Da Homeboi

I ain't no mind reader for cryin' out loud! Besides, now he's got a cute nickname- Torso Boy! So what's he complainin' about?

Then he gets all indignant on me! He said "Hey, man I was just bein' sarcastic!" Well that's just great, how was I supposed to know that?

And this guy, Marty, just rolllls his eyes and says "Noooo, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw." So I did.

When I see this guy Marty tryna' carry up a couch for 4 up 7 flights of stairs all by himself! I ask, "Hey, you need help with that?"

I was gettin' a lot of attitude! Ok, like this one time, I was out in an apartment complex parking lot cleaning out my earwax with a pencil.

I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire with my face! Yeah, everyone was pretty jealous of me after that!

That's right I got me a part-time j*b at my local Sizzler! (tw: empl*yment)

Anyway, I started picking up my life after that whole mishap. And I started by finally getting my dream career.

Albuquerque!

So we broke up and I never saw her again, but that's just the way things go in Albuquerque!

WOOAAAAHHHH! HOLD ON NOW BABY, I'M JUST NOT READY FOR THAT KIND OF A COMMITMENT!

But then one fateful night as we settled into bed, she asked "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you want to join the Columbia Record Club?"

The world was our burrito. So we got married and we bought us a house and we had 2 beautiful children: Nathaniel and Superfly! We were so

That's when I knew it was true love! We were inseparable after that. We ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of

I'll never forget the very first words she said to me at our fateful encounter. She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face."

Her name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of sunbleached nectarines.

And as luck would have it, that was the very moment I ran into the girl of my dreams.

I ran out into the street with those flesh-eating weasels on my face, wavin my limbs around all runnin', runnin', runnin' like a constipated

AH JESUS CHRIST GET OFF ME! HOLY SHIT GET OFF! AHHHGH AH AH AH! AHHHHH! OH GOD! NO NO NO NO! OHGASDGAIOSDHGIOAGHNISLVAHGILSA!!

And it was at that moment a burst of inspiration struck me. A little melody started goin' thru my head. It went a little smthn like this.