What Is Your Best Joke?

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think its raining", says the man.

"No, its snowing," replies the woman

"How about we ask this communist officer here? He is always right! exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definetely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
"
huehuehuehuehuehuehue

 

I actually have a really brilliant joke, but I feel like it won't be appreciated. It's pretty long, but trust me it's worth it.

Spoiler

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms surrounding a lake.
One of the kingdoms was very wealthy! Each citizen had huge homes
constructed from iron and jade. The floors of each household were layered
in a shining marble tile. Each little corner, column, and detail was
ornately patterned by the best artists in the land. The streets were literally
paved with gold.
The second kingdom was financially stable fortress. There will be no grand
description for this kingdom because there was nothing special about it.
there were a few rich people and a few poor people, but the majority of
the citizens were middle class.
The third kingdom was a mess. Everyone in the kingdom was very poor.
Disease spread quickly because no one knew about basic hygiene. Many citizens
had no homes and those who did, couldn't maintain them for long
However, each kingdom was fine with the way they were living because they all shared
the most beautiful lake in the world. This was all that mattered to them.

They all lived very peacefully until one day, the kingdoms began to notice that
the lake water was running out. Not wanting to lose control of the lake, each kingdom
declared war on each other. Each kingdom agreed to fight in one glorious battle in which
the winning side would keep the lake.

The first army did not want to lose their most important possession and so, they sent
out a massive army of 80,000 men. Each knight in the army was equipped
with the strongest steel armor, the sharpest swords, and the fastest horses.
Each knight also received a squire to aid them during battle.
The second army also wanted to maintain control of the lake so they sent out
their strongest army. Though they did not have as much strong weaponry as the first kingdom,
they were still able to assemble a few thousand knights for battle. Again,
each knight was given one squire to assist during battle.
The third kingdom struggled to find a knight who could fight in the battle.
They could only find one man in the whole kingdom who knew how to fight. But this
man was very old and far past his prime. The king figured that it was their only chance
so they sent him out to battle with 1 squire.

The night before the battle, the two kingdoms with large armies were feeling pretty confident.
They all figured:
"There's no way we could lose! Our army is stronger than those of the other kingdoms! We will prevail!"
So they all began to celebrate their expected victories. The knights all drank merrily while
the squires served them.
Meanwhile, in the third, poor kingdom, the old knight and his squire had begun to
prepare a stew for dinner. It was all they would have to eat the knight before the battle.
The squire grabbed a rope, swung it over a high branch of a tree, formed a noose at the end and tied
the pot to it to heat up the stew.
Our poor knight met his demise that night after he choked on stew (bless his soul).

On the day of the battle, all the knight were too drunk (or too dead) to fight.
In place of the knights, the squires from each kingdom decided to fight. The battle
lasted for three long days and by the end of it, there were no survivors. Everyone
was killed.

At the top of the huge castle in the first kingdom, the king asked his lookout what
had happened in the battleground below. The lookout turned to the king and said:
"It looks like the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of both sides"

 

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head

 

This is my first time using spoilers so... And I have two jokes :P

Spoiler

This story takes place in the Great Depression era.
A man walks into a bar, he sees a donkey crying in the corner with a bucket of quarters next to him. He walks up to the bartender and asks, '' What's wrong with the donkey? '' The bartender replies, '' He's been crying all week, I can't get him to stop. He's been driving away all of my customers. '' The man looks at the donkey and says, '' Can I be of help? '' The bartender looks up at the man with a very excited face. The bartender says, '' If you could do that, the bucket of quarters is yours! '' The man takes the donkey outside, then comes back in after a minute. The donkey is laughing. The bartender says, '' You did it! The bucket is all yours! '' The man takes the bucket and walks home. A week later the man comes back to the same bar. He sees the donkey laughing again, and another bucket of quarters next to him. He asks the bartender, '' What happened? There's nobody here! '' The bartender says, '' The donkey has been laughing all week, he won't stop. Please, if you could, do your magic again to help him. I need my business. '' The man takes the donkey outside, but this time, an hour passes, and he walks into the bar again. The donkey is crying. The bartender says, '' Incredible! You are truly magical! How on earth do you do it!? '' The man replies, '' Well, the first time I did it, I told him my dick was bigger than his. He started laughing. Then, the second time I proved it to him. '' A teacher tells the class if they can get the right answer to a question that will be asked every Friday, they can get the Monday off. The first Friday, she asks the class, "How many stars are in the universe?" No one can answer. The next Friday, she asks, "How many grains of sand are on Miami Beach?" Again, no one can answer. Finally, a boy gets a bag full of ping-pong balls painted black. The teacher on the 3rd Friday says, "Now for your question..." and the boys purposely spills the bag of ping pong balls everywhere. The teacher madly asks, "Who's the comedian with the black balls?" The boys replies, "Bill Cosby! See you Tuesday!"

:Edit: I did not make these!

 

Down there
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V

 

What do you call a skeleton in a closet?











World champion in Hide and Seek.... get it? GET IT???!

 

Considering the level of the jokes here, i think even mine would WIN(craft).




No it doesn't, right ?

 

i have a new age game boy although I do not have any g4mes m8. i still luv the HOME menu m8

 

The Mineplex community.

 

What has 100 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk?

My zipper.

 

Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

 

How does Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it