Bullshit your way to victory

The previous Bullshit Your Way To Victory threads seem to have been locked due to necropost, which is sad cause I spent a lot of time playing there and it brought me a lot of laughter.

This is in no way plagiarized shamelessly word for word, bar for bar from Mardeknius. (it was)
The rules

If this is your first time playing, the rules are pretty straightforward. It's essentially King of the Hill, but with a city. Also, your capture technique has to be complete bullshit, "making an art of dancing on the fine line between plausibility and complete and utter nonsense", as hmtn put it.

If you just yoink The City, no explanation, The City's Elite Anti-Anti-Bullshitter guards will be on you like the unkillable piranha monsters that they are.* You wouldn't want to test your luck, would you?

I certainly wouldn't.

Let's begin. I own the city.

*Note: due to previous attempts at destroying the piranha monsters, they aren't subject to any of the rules of this game, and therefore cannot be destroyed by any means.

 

I show you a signed and notorized copy of the deed to the city with my name on it alongside your signature on the line officiating its transfer of ownership, as well as a news headline with a photograph of what seems to be you handing me the deed while shaking my hand.

How you may ask? Simple. I hired an expert in forgery to analyze your various legal documents and recreate your handwriting on an official and legally binding transfer of ownership, then paid an actor with your likeness to attest to the signature and pose for a photo in front of a local media outlet, who has now published and disseminated their new top headline: "Shocking! Now-former city owner transfers power to previously unknown party in what appears to be a shady underground deal!"

 

Too bad you had an affair 20 years ago and never paid child support to your bastard child. My mother sues, forcing you to give over the city as child support, and then she mysteriously falls ill leaving me with my inheritance.

 

(Wait we're doing this again? Let's go)

It turns out that, after the affair, your mother and I became very close friends, and after your birth I provided emotional support in a time of great stress. Because of this, it is revealed at the reading of the will that I inherited the city rather than you.

 

As our families are such good friends, I invite you to the shed that was my only inheritance to dine. I secretly poison the wine, and give you a cup that you drink. You were nervous at first, but after I took a big swig of the poisoned wine, you fears were quelled. Lucky for me though, I have been practicing Mithridatism and som am immune to the effects of the poision, unlike you who dies during dinner. I walk into the city, and now it is mine. I'll bribe the polices with their jobs to sweep my murder under the rug as "food poisoning".

 

Oh Hi. I remember you from the last post.

Anyways I make a lootrun camp inside of your house and players steal all your gear, thus making the citizens overthrow you since they think you're wasting their tax dollars on cheese wheels. Then I run for Mayor with my copious 10 LE bribery. (hey in wynncraft lore that's a lot)

 

I set out to learn the great magics of wynn. From Dr. Picard, I learn time magic, from the douguns Fire and Earth magic, from Alem spirit magic, from Theorick Ice Magic, from the mages of Mage Island Magical Magic, from the Bantisu people Air Magic, from Qira the power of Neutral Magic, Runic Magic from the forgery, and from the Wierds: Cosmic Magic. I stand atop Mount Wynn and call a ray of destruction upon you. To bad I went for quantity of magic over quality... I accidently cast the spell in complete reverse: rather than using my energy to smite you, it uses your energy to immortalize me. After realising nothing happend, I jump into the pit of lava and realised what had actually happend. I wait as your city grows old. As buildings crumble, I steal them for my new city. As people grow old and die, I steal their corpses and reanimate them into their old form, although now they are completly loyal to me. Even the waste you had in your dumps I take for mine. Eventually, you realise that all the buildings from your city have grown old and have been replaced. All the people too, have died and are now in my city- which has all the original buildings and people. Who really owns the city? You're mind begins to break as you try to answer the question and ask the universe, and the Anti-Anti-BS Gaurds to no avail. Your mind breaks under such contemplations causing you to go insane. I then enter your city and claim it: Which city is the real city? Who cares, I own 'em both. I merge the cities into one: luckily my city had the greater population, so my cronies will ensure I remain in power at the polls.

 

(it's back!)

(are we following the last one's rules where a player takes over a new character or are the players immortal?)

I sigh, looking down upon the warlords who would obliterate all in their path. For what, a city? Death, destruction, careless annihilation raining down on innocent lives... It looks so much fun! I turn to my right, where I see Egbert standing at the cliff face with me. Me and Egbert, we've been through a lot together. Mostly because of what he's failed at. And to be honest, I feel a little tired of the incompetence of this fumbling... what even is Egbert? Nevermind. While he stares in awe at the zombie horde, I push him off, and Egbert is no more.
His death reverberates through the universe, and I sense that there may be consequences... But this is a dreamworld, where I can make anything happen and undo repercussions as easily as I cause cascades of wanton destruction and violence. "Egbert, you'll be missed. By some," I say. Then I look upon this city, and I see a way forward. To totalitarian authority without meaningless death.

for anyone who's read the last one, you'll never guess what I'm about to do next
That's right.
I turn into a snail.
Bet you didn't see THAT coming.
But not just any snail... I turn myself and your city of corpses into Gigastropods. That's right. We're now immortal Fruman snails. And we all worship (and are in turn, protected) by the god Molluskus. Thanks to an appointment as Divine Leader or Something by said god, I now am the religious leader of the city.

 

I begin a campaign for citizens to seek proper hydration instead of gaming all day. Every citizen now drinks a healthy amount of water, which causes the great drying. Your snail god's protection expires because it only works under optimal moistness conditions (should have read the fine print). Then use my riftwalker to riftwalk into the previous "Bullshit your way to victory" thread to find some anti-snail salt and spread it all over the city. The snail cult dies, and I take over the city with 10 LE and 1 emerald bribes this time.

 

they can't game, they're snails!
the salt you spread all over the city kills 75% of the population, and the remaining 25% are convinced that Molluskus is personally responsible for their survival and I command them to refuse bribes on religious grounds.

 

Because everyone is suffering from loss right now, I become a grief counselor to make lots of money. To help them over come the loss, I convince them all to start the Infinite Tutorial, and when they reach step 56, I kill them all to progress to step 58. How did that work? You see, when I made a new city, I secretly mad it in Quebec and when the cities merged, I moved the old city to Quebec as well. With such a large population, the city made up more than half of Quebec, even reduced to a quarter of its population. The city has a population of 1 now? Never the matter! Using my magic, I create Golems from the salt. They're a little salty about the whole snail thing, so they make me their supreme leader, or as they call it Saltine Supreme.