Bullshit Your Way To Victory

I wonder who made your mind-ray(tm)

. . .

(no, it was trained professionals, because using the same 'strategy' to solve every problem is irritating)

Well! It turns out that Eggbert is real, and very very mad at you for not believing in him. Unfortunately, he's . . . not actually that powerful, and all he can do is throw eggs at people. He eggs your house, and then eggs the houses of all of the residents of the city (all five districts). Well, these are actually MAGIC eggs, eggs that make people infuriated, and the entire city is so mad that it unites to destroy Eggbert, and, in so doing, realizes that they have more in common with one another than they previously thought. They work together to make one unified district after killing Eggbert, and name me (who led the charge against Eggbert, of course), the queen of the city, and I now own it.


Also, in an unrelated note,
what is the deal with everyone making posts where they intentionally do not take the city but just make my life hard?! why can't you be normal and summon a corgi or something?? that I know how to deal with


(disclaimer. if you summon a corgi, the entire universe resets, so, like, don't do that. but you can do something similar, that's what I meant. I guess you folks are just too good at being CREATIVE and don't just use one band-aid solution to everything like SOME ̶e̶t̶h̶e̶r̶w̶e̶a̶v̶e̶r̶s̶ people)

 

SO obviously my post is valid, given that eggbert is real! anyway Im just trying to be a good standup guy! its not MY fault if everyone laughs at you behind your back, or if all your advisers are conspiring against you! I am just trying to help! Even the other day I turned the arms of a homeless guy into mech arms with 250 horsepower so he could easily get a job in construction! I am just helping people and making them happy!

 

i summon a corgi, resetting the universe

 

corgi is turned to sand by me and @Mardeknius Before it can do anything

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come on do something about this mardek i dont know if i handled the crisis correctly and i need backup

 

(don't worry, I'm on it)

let me clarify Tzelofachad's point a tad

You pick up your Corgi Summoner:tm:, the long thin wand clenched between your fingertips.
You've looked at all the evidence; you're ready to make your decision. This is the right move. An alliance between Mardeknius and Tzelofachad cannot be permitted to stand, not in any reasonable universe, and this one must be terminated.
The vial, plucked from the shelf. The salts for the summoning ritual, contained in their little urn, snatched hurriedly from the table. You gather the ingredients, one after another, faster and faster until you're not even doing it anymore and it's as though the corgi is summoning itself
Finally, it is ready.
You speak the words, flick the Corgi Summoner:tm: wand, and-
wait
wait what does that label say
does that say "Made by Egbert Productions"?
Yes, I do believe it does.
But it is too late; you've already completed the ritual
rather than a corgi this summons, it summons a hulking pile of sand. The sand swarms around you, wriggling, streaming, beginning to cloud your vision and it becomes hard to breath and you're choking on the sand and collapse to the floor
and it all
fades
to black

You are dead; moreover, you were killed by the Egbert Sand.
There is no saving those killed by the Egbert Sand.
Their souls are decimated, ripped to a million pieces, and then absorbed into the Sand.
The Sand grows.
It vanishes back to its pocket dimension, inaccessible through any forums post made by anyone other than myself.

Do not mess with me.
Especially if the "mess" involves a Corgi.
We do not treat Corgoers kindly here.

 

Thank you, thats better.

 

Alas, it turns out that your all of your various public services and contributions were designed by a certain engineer named Egbert. The man with the mechanical arms suddenly finds them rusting, a soup kitchen discovers arsenic within several of their mixtures, and a bridge abruptly collapses after being found out to be built on foam foundations. Various other incidents happen, often being exceedingly dangerous, and the people of the city rise up and overthrow you, turning to me as their new leader.

 

Unfortunately, the way Egbert Sand works is that once it kills someone, egbert is removed from the timeline in all ways that do not cause the person who was killed by it to not have been killed, and replaced by Eggbert, so now all my stuff WAS made by eggbert and is safe to use

 

Oh boy, you have no idea what you just did.
By forcibly decanonizing Egbert, you completely upheave the laws of all pataphysics. Everything is thrown into disarray, and the fundamental laws governing reality are cast away.
From the blank beyond, a single sound echoes.
A woof.
A terrible resounding woof.
Reality splits as a corgi is born of sheer cosmic willpower. Reality shatters as it, upon seeing a friend of the one who consigned it and all its people to this wretched fate of nonexistence, strikes forth.
Driven by pure, unfiltered rage, it rips you from the very fabric of existence - no, further still, tearing you from the narrative entirely. You are erased on threefold levels, from the past, present, and future. For your crimes against the very fabric of the story, you are not, were not, and will not be. It is an action that simply cannot be altered, even with power far beyond the corgi’s own. Tzelofachad is gone. They never were.
Yet the narrative pays the corgi’s price in turn. Before the corgi can make Mardeknius suffer the same fate, reality collapses on the dog for its exertion of power, wipes it from the slate completely through time and space. Now, within mere moments, two beings, their existences now tied to each other, have vanished entirely from their former states of canonicity.

 

OK its been fun being on this thread @Mardeknius if you find a way to save me ping me on the discord byeeee

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im not gonna argue with the corgi lore lmao

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u dont need to save me but if you can without destruction try

 

Two down, four to go.

 

Wait, who's the second?

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Also I create a secret pocket dimension outside, and therefore unaffected by, events that occur in the rest of the universe, so I have it in case I need one later.

 

Enderae and Tzelofachad have both been eliminated

 

I attach a rocket onto a giant meteor and send it towards the city. Let's see what happens

 

I build a giant slingshot in the city. The meteor hits the slingshot, and gets launched back at you. It hits you, you explode, and die.

 

I send out an invisible, un-hearable, un-interactable-with-anyone-other-than-me, trained-by-not-Egbert assassin after Egbert.

 

[OUTOFNARRATIVE="Tzelofachad, post: 3644460, reason: Important notification] bro egbert was decanonized[/OUTOFNARRATIVE]

 

the assassin was also decannonized

 

just to clarify
the events of this post did not happen bc Egbert is no longer real

 

[OUTOFNARRATIVE="Tzelofachad, post: 3644460, reason: unnecesary posting]i just said that[/OUTOFNARRATIVE]