Bullshit Your Way To Victory

I smash you with another Cosmically-Large Hammer

 

Unfortunately, this universe obeys cartoon laws, and all that smashing me does is make me go two-dimensional, and I still own the city

 

The Cosmically-Large Hammer creates a black hole that sucks you in. The goal was never to kill you with the smash, but to trap you.

 

Unfortunately, the black hole radiates me out perfectly as Hawking Radiation. Guess I'm just really lucky.
Also, I still own the city

 

this post started the immidiate and drastic decline of the people's collective IQ. Also I will smash you with a Cosmically-Large Hammer

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I own the city now!!!!!!!!

 

Aha, you fool, IQ isn't actually a good measure of intelligence! Now, what, I can't do arithmetic in my head anymore?
Anyway, as I'm already two-dimensional, smashing me again with the hammer does nothing. I walk past all your guards - assuming you've set them up - because I'm literally two-dimensional and they can't touch me, and I slice you in two with my now infinitely-sharp hands. I then grab a tire pump and reinflate myself into three dimensions.

 

i sit down on a rock and cry

 

I sit down on a rock and cry as well. You then stab me.
I now own the city.

For this unforgivable post in which I somehow usurp the city with no explanation, the City's Elite Anti-Anti-Bullshitter guards begin attacking me. However, I never really owned the city, and therefore me getting killed by Enderae and the Anti-Anti-Bullshitter guards causes a break in the universe because there are now 2 dead variants of me. (Watch Loki!) I end up in a version of the TVA run by @Mardeknius, then they accuse me of crimes against sacred timeline. But I steal their advance time tech and what I don't steal, I destroy. They then cry on rocks as I travel to the outermost snowglobe layer of the pocket dimension the City exists within. I kill the ethereal spirit who owns the layer, and now I own it. Which means I own the entire pocket dimension.
Thanks, Enderae!

 

Very nice, very nice indeed. You even have the paperwork to prove you own it - the deed to the pocket dimension. It's locked up in your safe, made by Egbert Industries.

. . . wait a damn minute. Egbert Industries only has one employee, and that's Egbert!
See, this new timeline didn't have Egbert die (I think he might've died earlier, but I'm not quite sure), so he's still around, doing things. Who knows how he isn't dead yet, but he's somehow stumbled his way into owning his own company. This safe, made by Egbert, turns itself inside out every twelve hours (because Egbert forgot to turn off that feature), and when it does, its contents are deposited straight into my office. Would you look at that, that's the deed to the pocket dimension.
I guess I own this place now.
Also, I go before a judge and request that the pocket dimension's ownership no longer correspond to the physical keeper of the deed, so stealing it will do nothing.

 

But the deed was actually for that broken magical world entrapment snowglobe, sorry! There is no deed. I coerced the spirit into legally making that snowglobe layer mine. Forever.

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I also hack into your forums account

 

Hey guys, it's me, Elytry, after hacking into Mardeknius' account. I give her full ownership of the city, and permanently lock myself in a prison deep deep underground, from which I cannot escape.

 

still own the snowglobe layer

 

owning the city requires owning the snowglobe; ergo, whoever owns the city owns the snowglobe

 

I un-hack into Mardeknius's forum account.

And now, I've decided to travel to the future with all my time tech.
Ash.
Everywhere.

I visit the world. You all are dead.

I go to the city and collect all its ash inside my giant vase. It is so big that it cannot be moved by anyone but me.

 

I shall invent time travel myself and smash the vase with a COSMICALLY LARGE HAMMER.

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I will then deprive you of 1 of your dimensions with aforementioned COSMICALLY LARGE HAMMER.

 

hah. I created the COSMICALLY LARGE HAMMER, and I added a convenient explosive charge in all of them that I can activate by twiddling my thumbs. I use my own time tech to mess with the past and make sure you never invent time travel.

 

Little did you know I have a relationship with your mother , and she told me about the explosive charge, so I defused it. She also told me about your plans to foil my plans so when you came to stop me I smash you with my COSMICALLY LARGE HAMMER. you are now 2 dimensional

 

My mother doesn't use social media. Like ever. Also, what makes you think I wanna go out with girls? And how does height even relate to that? The answer is: It doesn't.

 

( this is not part of the bullshit your way to victory thread: "And how does height even relate to that" a bit of an internet meme, but ( a meme reference) girls don't go out with guys beneath 6 feet .I have not cooped myself up in my room reading memes for the past 7 days btw)

 

it sounds like you have