Bullshit Your Way To Victory

Unfortunately, the wizard’s identity is revealed to be one Egbert, who, even after Ether’s erasure, is still affected by the previous incident and fiercely dedicated to preventing any further seizure of the city. Thus, Bethra is sent back to the reign of the corgi, who, due to all the previous few bouts of timeline-screwing, has become an almighty and unstoppable god-emperor unchecked by moral restraints. After it’s killed, the corgi simply revives itself with its unlimited font of divine power and smites Bethra, reducing her to a pile of inanimate cinders.

 

I pet the corgi and remind him our past to calm him down and revive Bethra. I then call armies of other birds to give Egbert a chpice to either let her take her rightful place or die. If he chooses to live, I also give him the payment she couldn't afford.

Then I become Bethra's royal guard.

 

Egbert, while you were talking to him, accidentally tripped in your direction, and a knife that he was holding stabbed you. It didn't kill you, but you were hospitalized, and, as such, fired from Bethra's royal guard (no union here! this is the olden days). Egbert talks to Bethra about taking your place, but sneezes too hard in her direction, causing her to fall into a bottomless pit I had set up a while back (dont look through the previous posts you wont find anything i did it offscreen ok). Because Egbert was the person who resulted in Bethra's death, he is now legally mandated to take the throne.

great, NOW look what you did. EGBERT is leader! gah, this couldn't possibly be going more wrong

 

After returning from hospital after two hours (because as an expert doctor I stitched the wound myself) I thrown an endless rope with a small rocket at the end into the pit and rescue Bethra.

Considering she is not actually dead, I order the regiment of pelicans to exile Egbert and protect the throne until Bethra returns. For this she immediately gives me my position back with promise that I would never be fired or otherwise disposed of without my approval.

 

The so-called bottomless pit was constructed by Egbert. He cut a few corners in its creation, and, in so doing, made it follow Gravity Falls’ bottomless pit’s rules: namely, after about half an hour, the endless rope begins coming back out of the bottomless pit. Due to its acceleration during its time falling through the pit, it shoots an endless stream of rope out toward the city, destroying the royal palace, and killing Bethra. In her stead rises Egbert, and he has a wooden half-tube through which he can direct the rope, and can use it to attack people.

 

I hide the remains of Bethra. Then I cut the rope with my sword and tie both strands around Egbert's neck. Then I take his rope-controlling device and direct it down. After than I throw Egbert into the pit, where he gets entagled in the rope and dies.

I go to the throne room with my armies and Bethra a good funeral.

 

Unfortunately for all of you, the corgi, is still alive-and the panic you all have thrown the city into has caused it to come back from its place of exilement. Due to the law mandating the killer of the previous ruler to take the throne-the corgi is technically Bethra's heir, and it will not let any more senseless violence take place. Swiftly and brutally, it, having no morals and instead only a sense of duty, kills you and causes your army to scatter in fear, taking the throne and continuing its reign as invincible god-emperor once more.

 

Except when he tries to kill me, I remind him of our old days, when I served him and the city. Due to having a feeling of obligation, he decides to spare me, but strips me of the guardian rank for the killing. I gather my few remaining birds and sit outside the city, being finally happy and in peace.

 

From the water rises the fabled Salmonius, god of the fish. He drowns the corgi and it dies and then he eats its soul before it can escape to the afterlife and then jumps into a black hole from which nothing can escape. The black hole then radiates all of what was the energy composing the corgi and Salmonius as hawking radiation, and winks out of existence. Bill Jones then appears and decanonizes the hawking radiation, erasing the corgi’s remains and the remains of its soul from existence.

I JUST WANT TO GET RID OF THE DAMN CORGI

 

Alas, by decanonizing the corgi’s remains, Bill Jones has created a domino effect leading up to the very first split in the timeline where the corgi was killed. Now, the corgi is not only still alive, but has never experienced any of these events in the first place. The corgi now, seeing the possible results of the divergent timeline, clads itself in a suit of impenetrable plot armor left behind by yourself and takes measure to kill the fetuses of both Bill Jones and Bethra in their wombs before they get a chance to act further.

 

That's fun! Luckily, this timeline doesn't have the city in it.
The timeline that does have the city still doesn't have the corgi.

 

Unfortunately, the corgi’s ambition transcends reality, and so it begins mustering its armies in preparation to conquer the unfortunate timelines without its presence to guide them for the greater good. In five posts, it will arrive, and due to the power it’s accumulated, you cannot stop it.

 

That's true, I can't stop it.
But neither can you.
Nobody can.
The corgi approaches.

In other news, I poison whomever the fuck currently owns the city by putting the "lethal shellfish allergy" gene into their next COVID shot, and so, when they get that, they also get a lethal shellfish allergy. I then feed them shellfish and they die. I then take the city and brainwash all of its residents using UZB-brand™ cookies to be loyal to me and only me.

 

2.

Moments later, you blink out of existence-as like me, every instance of you has been fated ever since our last confrontation to be instantly terminated from being. The city now is without leadership once more.

 

oh right whoops
ok
Bill Jones poisons whomever the fuck currently owns the city by putting the "lethal shellfish allergy" gene into their next COVID shot, and so, when they get that, they also get a lethal shellfish allergy. Bill Jones then feeds them shellfish and they die. Bill Jones then takes the city and brainwashes all of its residents using UZB-brand™ cookies to be loyal to Bill Jones and only Bill Jones.

3

 

you both are here
intruiging

 

Bill Jones retcons the death of the corgi in this timeline.
The corgi is now alive again.
5.




. . . hey, would you look at that
it's the corgi
wait a minute there are two of those here now

The two corgis meet one another, and, upon touching, cause a paradox which irreversibly deletes every instance of the corgi from every possible timeline, lest the fabric of spacetime itself completely unravel.

________________________________

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW ETHER

 

No.

Unfortunately, the corgi has been so integral to every single timeline that deleting it still causes spacetime to fully unravel-causing damage so terrible that reality collapses upon itself and all is wiped away. The universe rewinds itself, leaving the cycle of creation to begin once again and with it, a city that would be completely empty if it wasn’t for a single inhabitant.
One poodle, to which the following applies.

 

if something isn't observed, it is impossible to determine if it exists or not.
I simply do not look at the hill, so now no one can win.

 

but
we're not trying to capture a hill
we're trying to capture a city-

ok, this one is looking away from a hill rn

the poodle has tb and dies ):