Bullshit Your Way To Victory

Seeing as I do like when people die, I start a cult and gradually convert your keys to power into puppets, becoming the hidden actual ruler.

 

i build a fake city in the Yucatan and populate it with robot servitors. by the time i'm finished, months have passed and you and your puppets have all become very used to your control of the city; i've had ample time to refine my behavioral model.

In the night, I strike. You wake up the next morning, by all appearances a normal morning, while thousands of kilometres away I, who look and behave almost exactly like you, get to work as the shadow overlord of my real city.

 

Unfortunately for you, I am not in either city, or in fact even close to them. After being driven out of it by the piranha guards and running as far away from it as humanly possible, I, not fooled by your shenanigans, now march two legions of the unstoppable robot army that I have secretly been creating all this time into both cities, taking control of them and leaving no room for error.

 

Knowing they are unstoppable, make them march so fast they get behind the cities before you notice. However, you cannot fix your mistake, as that would require stopping them, because I broke their turning circuits while you were uploading the blueprints into the factory.

 

You hired Egbert to write the code for the robots, and Egbert is very lazy. He forgot to put the part in where the robots don’t respond to my commands!
Because of this, the robots listen to me, and you and I end up in a shouting match trying to get the robots to listen to us both. The robots are confused and all self-destruct. One of them - your personal bodyguard - was close enough to launch you into space, and, with nobody left to stop me, I take the city.

 

Unfortunately, you underestimate just how many robots my army is made of. The simultaneous explosions completely destroy the city and with it, both you and me in turn.
However, I have one last trick up my sleeve. Before taking the city, I took the measures to implant my memories and consciousness within several different obsidian obelisks (don’t ask) outside the city, which I now withdraw from using a cloned body and rebuild the city as its owner. I scatter the rest of the obelisks across the world and hide them away.

 

That was certainly irresponsible of you - you hired Egbert to make your clone! Why would you go and do something silly like that? Due to faulty cloning processes, the clone starts acting uncontrollably, accidentally hurling itself off of a cliff. Now nobody knows where the obelisks are. That sucks.

With nobody there to stop Toucanus from taking the city, he marches in with SCP-682 (whom he befriended), and takes over the city, setting 682 up as the city's guard, alongside his army of toucans. Mardeknius is nowhere to be found.

 

Unfortunately, you underestimate me once again. One of the many obelisks, after detecting that my body is gone, immediately sends a signal to my cloning lab, allowing for the retrieval of the structure. My memories are implanted within a new clone, this time through an immaculate process, and I return to the city.

This time though, I change my plans. I summon the rather weary Kuranicamis and Al-Laegator, gods of alligators and crocodiles, and sic them on Toucanus with the promise of a meal and an end to their misery. The three, joined by SCP-682, engage in a violent divine battle, and I take this opportunity to drop all four into one of those conveniently placed black holes from earlier on. Now that all of them are trapped perpetually, I walk into the city with my army of now-perfected clones clad in suits of plot armor.

 

Egbert makes a volcano erupt on the city (purchased on Amazon, of course), and the entire thing fills with lava. The plot armour activates, and the only way that your clones can survive is by teleporting far away, which the plot armour forces them to do. Unfortunately, I was busy scheming in the afterlife, and I, after having a wizard cast Reincarnate on me, shoot spikes everywhere in the universe (with my Spike Gun (purchased on Amazon, of course)) except for the cloning lab, resulting in the location that the clones all teleport to being the lab itself, completely destroying it as it is overrun with clones and collapses under the weight.
I then, after having befriended Kirby, have Kirby eat all of the spikes and lava and obelisks (because hey neat you had the obelisks send a signal but unfortunately Egbert was the one to set that up so he set it up on my walkie’s frequency and I managed to track down the obelisks (all of them, because once I found one I could hack into it and find the rest)) and then kick Kirby into that black hole along with all of those things. I then walk up to you and shoot you point-blank in the head with my aforementioned spike gun, and take the city

 

Unfortunately, the clones, being fully clad in plot armor, survive unscratched. They rebuild the lab and all the obelisks (which they implant with my consciousness once more) from scratch, killing Egbert in the meantime. Meanwhile, quite unfortunately for you, the spikes you fired turn out to have been imbued with incredible amounts of stored allomantic power, which, having been fired directly into my eyes, not only just keep me alive but turn me into an Steel Inquisitor as well. With my newfound strength, I forcefully drop you into the black hole and take the city.

 

Unfortunately, your clones hired Egbert to kill Egbert, and the gun that Egbert made to kill Egbert with only shot eggs, so instead of dying, Egbert got a tasty meal.
You seriously need to stop hiring that guy.
Also, God was high today and forgot how black holes work, so the black hole, being overloaded with matter, combusts before I fall into it, launching me back toward the city. I then repeatedly stab you with a knife until you STOP SPOILING MISTBORN FOR ME and then shoot me and Egbert with that spike gun so we both become Steel Inquisitors. I then get a screwdriver and unscrew your screws until you are a pile of nuts and bolts and scrap, which I then melt down into its own spike which I then shoot at the sun and it makes contact and dissolves (rip).
Due to the fact that Egbert didn't actually die, he saw where all of the obelisks are. He collects them, grinds them up using Baba Yaga's Mortar and Pestle, and then makes them into a tasty stew which he then eats. When the obelisks were destroyed, your consciousness escaped them, and I caught it in my handy silver mirror.
It gets really hot in Plot Armour. Your clones hire an engineer to install cooling units on the suits, but, surprise surprise, the engineer was Egbert. Egbert accidentally installs a heating system into the Plot Armour (silly Egbert, messing everything up), and your clones all overheat and die (they die from the heat inside the Plot Armour, so it doesn't have its normal effect, because nothing was required to get past it to hurt them). Egbert then collects the Plot Armour and gives it all to me. I then put it on and do not take it off under any circumstances ever bar none. As a steel inquisitor, I, uh, have the ability to meld armour into my 'flesh' (because I'm, like, a robot, I think - look I just saw that they were from mistborn and stopped reading because I didn't want spoilers. If they can't do this, then I alter myself until I can), and make the plot armour a part of me, so now I can't die L
I then take the city, with Egbert also wearing plot armour under the same conditions as me.

 

Unfortunately, I am not in fact a robot (this isn't a spoiler, it's given very early on), which means that unscrewing my screws only serves to make me a bit more insane than I currently am. Though you fire the two spikes into the sun, I'm still quite alive, and thus immediately hire the infamous plot-armor-breaking character assassin George R.R Martin to go after you and Egbert. Naturally, the both of you are deprived of all your protection-and I now take this opportunity to buy a couple more hemalurgic spikes from Amazon to power myself up with. I kill you and Egbert, buy a full cloning lab and set of obelisks from Amazon, (apparently they really do sell everything) and take the city.

 

A business deal was made several days ago - one that flew mostly under the radar, due to our constantly destroying of everything being front-page news every day. This purchase was the one and only Egbert purchasing Amazon from Jeff Bozo. Your cloning lab, when you boot it up and start running it, begins to spit out clones of myself and Egbert, rather than you, due to Egbert’s faulty construction of it.
Little known fact: George R.R. Martin is actually Egbert’s pen name, under which he wrote several successful books. When you hire “Martin”, Egbert actually sends himself and me into hiding, and instead gives you a couple of our clones to kill.
There is also another issue with your plans.
You see, your consciousness is currently stuck inside my silver mirror, which means that your body is running on autopilot. Because of this, it listens to my commands, and hurls itself into the sun (for real this time), taking all of its worldly possessions with it. You are now broke, have no corporeal form, and are stuck in a silver mirror.
When the black hole exploded, everything inside it actually came out intact. I explain to all of those unfortunate souls that their being trapped in that horrible place was YOUR fault, and then, with a joint alliance of SCP-682, Toucanus, all your clones, Al, and everyone else who was in the black hole, I defend the city. I also set up all my and Egbert’s clones as a police force

 

Recounting that one time FreneticEntropy took control of a black hole by being absorbed into it, I follow in his footsteps and, with my essence amalgamated into the sun, become it as well. The silver mirror melts in the sheer heat of the star but my soul survives within. I now collapse myself violently and turn into a this time functional black hole myself, consuming the city, Toucanus, Egbert, you, your minions, and my clones, all assimilating them into myself under a single controlled hivemind. With the power I have now gained, I rebuild the city within the vortex, shaping it from my essence and thus making sure I perpetually hold it.
I take Egbert as my avatar to rule it, replacing his mind with mine and using his power over omnipresence to simultaneously end every instance of you and those loyal to you that will ever reappear in the future.

 

You UTTER FOOL!
You see, loyalty is a funny thing. The dictionary defines it as “giving or showing firm and constant support or allegiance to a person or institution”. As someone who’s been a very helpful and kind person, you yourself have been giving and showing me firm and constant support.
Due to this, you remove every copy of yourself from existence, alongside me.
So now we’re both gone.
I pray someone else finds this thread.

 

I, being confused what is going on or who is ruling the city, get up from the gate of the city along with my army of crows and more to the throne room. I shoot anyone and everyone trying to enter it and rule the city with a bow, pistol or minigun depending on my mood.

 

Unfortunately for you, both because the city is in the middle of a collapsing black hole and as a sort of cosmic punishment for ruining the heartfelt moment so quickly, the city, along with the rest of the black hole, implodes. You and your crow army are caught by ten metric tons of falling bricks, saving you, through a quick death, from the fate of being caught in a complete unravelment of space-time.

 

(A clarification of sorts: nobody currently owns the city, the city currently does not exist, ether and I have essentially banned each other from playing - we went too far in our quest for the city)

 

Luckily for me, as the city imploded it created a mini black hole which transported me to safety. Surrounded by my army, I sit on a nearby asteroid and wait for someone to fix this mess.

________________________________

I see, very nice of you. I lost my home though...

 

And someone there is! Bethra Mann, a gunslinger of some renown.
She grew up in a chaotic place - that place being the very city we fight over. Unfortunately, that city was destroyed and remade a dozen times over, and she moved out to Texas. When the news reached her that the city had been destroyed for good this time, she sought out an ancient wizard, capable of rewinding time. The wizard did so, at literal gunpoint (for Bethra could not afford his services, especially not one so costly), and rewound time until way back when the City was still intact. The wizard could not, however, best the eldritch magicks used to remove one Mardeknius and one Etherweaver from existence, so they’re still gone. Bethra then kills the king of the City, and, due to a law saying that the king’s killer can take his position, Bethra is now the ruler of the city.