Bullshit Your Way To Victory: The Revival

However, it turns out that the passscode is for making waffles, and that, to disable the machines, all you need to do is press a button, which I press.
Then I brutally murder you as the things are deactivated.
Mine.

 

Item #: SCP-8244

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-8244 is to be kept in a standard humanoid containment cell. However, no devices with any function of inputting logic information (i.e. a button, lever, keypad, etc) shall be present inside of the cell. Turrets loaded with needles designed to inject tranquilizing and amnestic chemicals shall be stationed on the roof, and furnishing must be designed to prevent access to these turrets. SCP-8244 must be constantly monitored and should be tranquilized if it begins fashions anything interpretable as a standard input device. If a possible input device is manipulated via direct contact by SCP-8244 (hereby referred to as SCP-8244-1), as many rounds as possible must be fired into SCP-8244 until it is sedated, and the SCP-8244-1 instance must be neutralized as soon as possible without activating the device. Failure to follow these procedures may result in a XK-Class End of the World Scenario.

Description: SCP-8244 is a human male who possesses the ability to change the function of an input device upon physical contact (hereby referred to as SCP-8244-1). No limitations to this ability have been found, and testing is discouraged due to the dangerous reality bending abilities of SCP-8244.
A secondary anomalous quality of SCP-8244 is the ability to (inefficiently) terminate any individual it can reach using it's fists. It's mechanisms for doing this are unknown- it displays very little physical strength compared to the average human and is considered out of shape by foundation employees.
SCP-8244 does not display a real need for nutrition, and has admitted to only eating fast food for the last 10 years due to it's addictive qualities.
SCP-8244 was discovered after manipulating a passcode device and a simple button in order to bypass a non-euclidean encryption technique. It gained the Foundation's attention after the discovery of an extremely disfigured body of a rogue Foundation researcher, seemingly beaten to death with anomalous strength. SCP-8244 was found in it's home using it's computer keyboard to gain a large amount dakimakura for it's sexual desires.

 

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
as you haven't claimed the city, i shall wait until someone does

 

Well you can't exactly claim the city anymore because it got leveled when Goku had a fight a few light years away. I rebuild the city and I'm made leader.
Mine.

 

i make the action of pulling my finger to cause you to give ownership of the city to me, then to explode.
i do so.
you explode.
mine.

 

I dump you in the cell of SCP-682.
also its implied that i take control of the city im not gonna say "mine" like a fucking sheep woman

 

oh.
I make the action of myself breathing equal to the deactivation of the turrets.
I breathe, and they deactivate.
Now, I make the action of myself not breathing equal to you falling into a coma, which is reversed when I breathe again.
As I have control over your life, you reluctantly give me control of the city.

 

you're also torn the fuck apart by SCP-682

 

I take the city with my mystical plot armor, borrowed from Ash Ketchum himself. I cannot be killed, and such tear apart everything with my literal bear arms because I have an uncontested right to those.

The city is now mine, and I personally kill everyone who tries to take it. Also my magical plot reconstruction has automatically repopulated and repaired everything with brand new, also bear armed and completely loyal subjects.

 

I send a helicopter with SCP-682 as cargo. It escapes and destroys the helicopter above you, and will now tear you apart with it's pure omnicidal rage.

 

as i was fucking torn apart, you drop into a coma due to my breathing being ceased, meaning that you cant send the helicopter, therefore it is a paradoxical situation.

you also forgot that

as i am SCP-8244, it is most likely that i completely obliterated SCP-682.
as i am not dead, you are able to do shit now

then, i make the action of sticking out my tongue equal to teleporting me to the city.
i do so, then i punch everyone who stands in my way to the ownership of the city
mine

damn that took some thinking

 

Unfortunately for you, 682's anomalous properties stem from the extreme adaptation it can undergo to make itself invulnerable to a threat.
It vibrates at a frequency that melts your entire body upon contact

________________________________

Also, 8244 can only anomalate objects with the specific purpose of input. Your tounge is not an input device.

 

so am I dead or what

 

ye

 

well fuck
i guess I'll get my clone who I keep forgetting about to use that death day from page 16 to obliterate you

then to resuscitate me through bullshit.
then to give 8244 me a fidget cube to anomalate the inputs of.
lol mine

ps would the fidget cube work as an input?

 

The fidget cube is sniped from miles away. Foundation agents are currently investigating the death ray and have disabled it for safery. 682 is still mangling both of you.

 

We both die, then respawn, along with a new fidget cube.
The cube is made to give all Foundation agents a seizure upon push of the bottom left button.
Then the lever is made equal to a large boulder falling on 682, each time it is flipped.
The bottom left button is pressed, and the lever is flipped twice per second by the second me.
Ours.

 

682 destroys the boulder and eats you both again. Furthermore, every fidget cube in the world is obliterated, and your respawn point is made Site-69, with the previous containment procedures with more powerful amnestics and tranquilizers.

 

Unfortunately I used my unlimited power over Bullshittery to take over the city.
Mine.

 

except that's not bullshit, that's just being dumb. bullshitting is pulling an explanation out of your ass, not just saying it's urs dude