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For every purchase, I'll find a dollar in the woods

for every purchase you get a free news gnome, wait what? oh sorry that offer ended a while ago my bad

For every 1000 purchases we will make a gnome after one person who buys one, and add it to my shelf, and make you a member of the totally real news teams

then keemstar himself will shake your hand (run its a bad deal trust me)

He'll dub over it two years later and say that it was a deal agreeing to give all your profits over two years to him

not to mention your soul