First Attempt At Writing A Quest For A Gm App - Looking For Feedback

Alright, while exploring Llevigar I found the courtrooms above the prison and that gave me an idea for a quest (I'm 100% sure the prison and courtrooms will be used in a future quest, but that's beside the point). The whole idea came from when I thought about what court would be like if we had the ability to use magic. And from there, this mess was born.

** Please read: Disclaimer-y thing**
1)While the courtrooms exist, I took liberties with the part of Llevigar above them (this being a hypothetical quest and all)
2) Grammar issues and awkward dialogue (especially with the judge) will be eventually weeded out in future variations, please point them out for me.
3) PLOT HOLES WILL BE EVERYWHERE, I know. read the above text.
4)Key: Dialogue
Omnipresent text stuff (no idea what the proper name is)
Quest explanation parts
| represents an obfuscated symbol

Quest: Echoes Of Murder
Difficulty: Hard
Level: 45

(Quest Stage-Thing Pending)

Lakaro: Ah, a warrior from across the pond!

Lakaro: Ye look like ya got a good head on those shoulders, how ‘bout you help me if I replace some of the empty space in those pockets of yours?

Lakaro: Win-win situation, right?

Lakaro: …

Lakaro: Glad to have ye on the team! Now, what I need is for you to act as a witness in court.

Lakaro: This all started in a mess of unfortunate events when I mur- Hey! Don’t you roll those eyes at me, it’s not as boring as the drivel that goes on where you come from.

Lakaro: No, here those suited monsters decided it would be easier just to wave a fancy-stick-thing around and go into the past to see for themselves!

Lakaro: That might seem like a good idea to some people, but once ye get caught you will see the problem; they can see right through yer lies.

Lakaro: Anyway, it’s almost time for the case to begin. Go and have a chat with the receptionist in the court house above the prison, they’ll give you a kick in the right direction

[Quest started: Echo Murder]

Court Receptionist: Hello, how can I help?

Court receptionist: …

Court receptionist: Ah, up the stairs behind you and to the left. They’ll be waiting for you in room 3.

Court Receptionist: Do you mind if I ask you why you wish to defend that beast?

Court Receptionist: Especially when knowing who the judge is.

Court Receptionist: Anyway, you should hurry up, you might be late!

[Quest book updated]

When you enter the courtroom you are teleported into a seating area next to Larako

Judge Prentiss: All must be seated, we will begin now.

Judge Prentiss: We are gathered here in an attempt to solve the case of the murder of my wife, Mrs Prentiss

Judge Prentiss: The convicted; Mr Larako is considered to be responsible by three witnesses.

Judge Prentiss: the first saw him retrieving the murder weapon from his house

Judge Prentiss: The next observed him breaking the curfew to reach the location of the murder

Judge Prentiss: The third and final, witnessed the murder from the rooftop of their house

Judge Prentiss: The first Witnesses’ experience will now be revisited once the time warp is prepared.

Mage: Rift open, Time warp activation in 3… 2… 1…

The player will then be teleported to another courtroom, supposedly in the past

Judge Prentiss: We are now in the past

Judge Prentiss: in several moments we will prove the first witnesses piece of evidence, that there is a secret room within Mr Lakaro’s house containing the murder weapon

Lakaro whispers to you in barely audible voice.

Lakaro: Hey! This is where you come in. What I |||||| you ||| do is |||||||||| the axe ||||| room |||| purple ||||| at the back ||||||.

Lakaro: Got it? ||||||| Good.

Lakaro: Oh yeah, keep those eyes peeled and watch out for ||||||||. My house be just up the stairs and along the main path.

The judge seems to be very engrossed droning on about the possible motivations for the murder; you could probably slip out without him noticing.

[Quest book updated]

The player will then be required to follow the directions to the house, avoid the guard dog standing outside the entrance and drop items onto all the purple carpets inside. Once they do this, a secret room at the back of the house will open up at the rear. When entered the player will receive the axe and will get an update to say that they need to return to Lakaro.

Lakaro: Ye got the axe? Good job kid, now stuff it down yer shirt before someone sees it.

Judge Prentiss: As you now understand the possible motivations we will proceed to open the secret room at the back of the suspect’s house and bring back the murder weapon.

Judge Prentiss: My men will retrieve it any second.

Judge Prentiss: …

Court Guard: Ay boss, the room is as empty!

Judge Prentiss: What? That’s… impossible!

Judge Prentiss: It seems someone has moved the axe prior to our arrival.

Judge Prentiss: No matter, though. We will simply travel to the point where the second witness saw Mr Lakaro leave his house and deliberately avoid the guards that upheld the curfew

Mage: Warp commencing now.

[Quest book updated]

The player is once again affected by blindness and nausea and teleported to the next copy of the map. Outside it is night and there are sentinels who need to be avoided or the player will get teleported back to the courtroom.

Lakaro whispers to you once again.

Lakaro: Alright, next up I need you to trap the past-me inside of my house.

Lakaro: look before you leap though, the sky is looking a little black.

Lakaro: This means the city is under the blasted curfew, getting caught will mean the guards will kick you right back to where you came from.

Lakaro: Once you reach my house, jump up on the roof and know about a few of the loose tiles so they barricade my door and I can’t get out.

Lakaro: Oh yeah, another thing: I think it might be smart to grab some stuff for the big finale of this all.

Lakaro: once you’ve trapped me, run a little further down the road ‘til you come to this tiny disguise shop.

Lakaro: Bust open a couple of windows and borrow a blank mask. Y’never know when it might come in handy

Lakaro: Jump to it! The gallows don’t have all day!

[Quest book updated]

The guards will have light sources emanating from them. The player needs to avoid these by hiding behind things and climbing on house. Once they reach Lakaru’s house there will be a short parkour segment leading to the top. There will be a pressure plate up there that once pressed will drop overhanging blocks in front of the entrance to the house. He player will then get a quest book update telling them to go over to the disguise shop.

The player will then come over to the disguise shop in a similar manner to before. Once they reach this there will be a button to shatter the windows. Inside the player will be able to collect the mask after completing a small puzzle. There will be a quest update that tells the player to return to Lakaro.

Lakaro: nicely done, I bet you could make a tidy profit easily if you got involved with this kinda stuff more often.

Lakaro: Give me the mask and enjoy the show; I can’t wait to see Prentiss’ face when he can’t observe me out for a walk!

Judge Prentiss: Any second now, we should see the criminal walk right in front of us, then it will be blatantly obvious it was him that is the killer.

Judge Prentiss: Any second now

Judge Prentiss: Any… Second… now….

Judge Prentis: I SAID, ‘ANY SECOND NOW’

Judge Prentiss: What? He should be here. Right here. Right where he should be.

Judge Prentiss: But no, someone decide it would be funny to just send him round another route. He’s still murdering my wife; I know he will, I JUST NEED PROOF.

Secondary Judge Luchwin: Prentiss, Calm down and breathe; we’ll get to the bottom of this.

Judge Prentiss: Okay, continuing on.

Judge Prentiss: If we can’t find any evidence of the suspect committing the crime, we will simply have to watch the murder ourselves; there is no proof that could be more damning than that.

For the last time the player receives nausea and blindness, and then is teleported to another copy of the courtroom.

Judge Prentiss: To witness the murder first hand we must move up to the rooftop where the third witness saw the murder take place.

As the player leaves the room a small piece of speech is said to draw the player over to Lakaro:

Lakaro: Psst. Kid, get over here!


Lakaro: Alright, show time.

Lakaro: Mrs Prentiss still needs to die, but unfortunately someone locked me inside of a house. I can’t do it, so someone else needs to.

Lakaro: I want you to go over and finish ‘er off right in front of everyone.

Lakaro: …

Lakaro: No! Course not, I wouldn’t make you just go out there like you are now.

Lakaro: That would be suicide!

Lakaro: I have something much smarter; remember that mask you gave me?

Lakaro: I made some changes... Y’know a moustache here, some hair there, the whole lot!

Lakaro: Do you see where I’m going with this?

Lakaro: Hehe. The judge won’t know what hit him.

[Quest book updated]

The player receives [1 Mask of Judge Prentiss] and is required wear it to enter the street where they will need to kill Mrs Prentiss . While fighting her speech by some of the other characters will be added for effect.

Jury member Tansil: What? How is this possible?

Secondary Judge Luchwin: Is that… Judge Prentiss?

Judge Prentiss: Impossible! I never did this, IT WAS THAT MAN. HE DID IT. JUST KILL HIM, I WASN’T INVOLVED IN THIS. NO! IT WAS HIM. JUST HIM, NO ONE ELSE HAD PART IN THIS.

Secondary Judge Luchwin: Prentiss, I suggest you shut up for a while, some explaining needs to be done.

You then need to return to Lakaro with [1 Mrs Prentiss’ Heart]

Lakaro: You did it?

Lakaro: Well done!

Lakaro: I suggest you hop back into the courtroom, it should take you back to the present. The others have already gone back

Lakaro: If you hurry ye might even see Prentiss get sentenced!

Lakaro: I’ll catch ye up in a moment.

[Quest book updated]

Once the player has walked into the courtroom they will be teleported to the original copy of the courtroom. When they arrive the sentence or Judge Prentiss is Just being completed.

Judge Luchwin: It is on this day Mr Prentiss has been charged with murder

Judge Luchwin: The victim, his wife: Mrs Prentiss will be honoured as is standard tradition, with the execution of the culprit.

Judge Luchwin: It is therefore, my duty to sentence Mr Prentiss to be hung by the neck until dead.

[quest book Updated]

The player is then required to return to Lakaro to claim his reward.

Likaro: We did it!

Likaro I’m a free man, able to roam the streets!

Likaro: And it’s all thanks to youself!

Likaro: Actually, I should say that I’m a free man… atleast for the moment!


[Quest complete: Echoes of Murder]

Rewards:

+45,000 XP

+3500 Emeralds

+Mask of Judge Prentiss (Stats pending)

 

This should be one of those quests with multiple endings:
1. Kill the wife with the mask on to get the mask and emeralds as a reward.
2. Don't kill the wife, causing her to no longer be dead in the present, receive no emeralds, same xp, and a different armour peice or something. The mask will be useless at that point.

 

Y'know, this is actually a rather well thought-out quest.
Aside from the occasional errors with grammar/dialogue, the way you did it was pretty cool.
Can't wait to see what else you come up with. +1

 

I've gotta agree with Hax(Aeon) on this, it's surprisingly good. It's nice to see a quest where you're not being the good guy.

 

Hey, I really like this idea, so you should submit it as an app!

 

A good idea and hedgehog profile pic....
SIGN ME UP

 

I like it, but dear god, no neon green

 

Huh, looks like this got moved to GS.

That's what comes of staying up later than I should to finish it ._.