Bullshit your way to victory

The previous Bullshit Your Way To Victory threads seem to have been locked due to necropost, which is sad cause I spent a lot of time playing there and it brought me a lot of laughter.

This is in no way plagiarized shamelessly word for word, bar for bar from Mardeknius. (it was)
The rules

If this is your first time playing, the rules are pretty straightforward. It's essentially King of the Hill, but with a city. Also, your capture technique has to be complete bullshit, "making an art of dancing on the fine line between plausibility and complete and utter nonsense", as hmtn put it.

If you just yoink The City, no explanation, The City's Elite Anti-Anti-Bullshitter guards will be on you like the unkillable piranha monsters that they are.* You wouldn't want to test your luck, would you?

I certainly wouldn't.

Let's begin. I own the city.

*Note: due to previous attempts at destroying the piranha monsters, they aren't subject to any of the rules of this game, and therefore cannot be destroyed by any means.

 

I show you a signed and notorized copy of the deed to the city with my name on it alongside your signature on the line officiating its transfer of ownership, as well as a news headline with a photograph of what seems to be you handing me the deed while shaking my hand.

How you may ask? Simple. I hired an expert in forgery to analyze your various legal documents and recreate your handwriting on an official and legally binding transfer of ownership, then paid an actor with your likeness to attest to the signature and pose for a photo in front of a local media outlet, who has now published and disseminated their new top headline: "Shocking! Now-former city owner transfers power to previously unknown party in what appears to be a shady underground deal!"

 

Too bad you had an affair 20 years ago and never paid child support to your bastard child. My mother sues, forcing you to give over the city as child support, and then she mysteriously falls ill leaving me with my inheritance.

 

(Wait we're doing this again? Let's go)

It turns out that, after the affair, your mother and I became very close friends, and after your birth I provided emotional support in a time of great stress. Because of this, it is revealed at the reading of the will that I inherited the city rather than you.

 

As our families are such good friends, I invite you to the shed that was my only inheritance to dine. I secretly poison the wine, and give you a cup that you drink. You were nervous at first, but after I took a big swig of the poisoned wine, you fears were quelled. Lucky for me though, I have been practicing Mithridatism and som am immune to the effects of the poision, unlike you who dies during dinner. I walk into the city, and now it is mine. I'll bribe the polices with their jobs to sweep my murder under the rug as "food poisoning".