Bullshit Your Way To Victory

Wait is this in-game or irl still?

 

lets say ingame, because we went back into the game with you trying to send me into the sun

 

Alright. When the dust clears from the explosion, all you can see are the bodies of three kobolds surrounded by some scraps of oversized clothing. That's right, I was 3 kobolds in a trench coat this entire time! The real me hasn't been seen since the attempted reset, but he triggers the self-destruct feature he paid the kobolds to build into the city while they had control of it. I don't know what happens after, though.

 

aww lemme guess, the top one was disguised as a goliath? well anyway LUCKILY when the dust clears from the self destruction, all you can see are the bodies of three giants, surrounded by some scraps of metal and concrete. That's right, the city was 3 giants in a trench coat the entire time! The real city is somewhere only i know about, and i still rule it

 

Alas, beforehand, I, Etherweaver, having secretly escaped from my last predicament via a hidden teleportation device, have changed my name to the single lowercase letter “i,” allowing me to know the city’s whereabouts. I storm in with my upgraded robot army and depose you, dropping you in a pit and filling it with acid for good measure.

 

luckily I am made of base so acid does nothing to me, and I am also a bender, so I use the acid to destroy i's armies and take over the city

 

You fail to anticipate, though, that I have reverted the change and in turn swapped your own name for “i” in the process! You destroy your own armies, leaving mine perfectly intact, and I proceed to instead submerge you in chemicals you are highly reactive to, letting off a explosion that turns you into non-sentient clouds of dust which I trap inside multiple indestructible jars just to be safe.

 

Luckily I sold my name to the fae, so they now think you are me, and destroy you for unspeakable crimes in the past, killing you and setting me free

 

Alas, I am an obelisk, and technically not alive anyways. I use your true name, bound to your soul, to convince them to kill you instead, which they promptly do.

 

i reincarnate as a fae and use your obsidian inscriptions to control you

 

Unfortunately, you do not know how to use my obsidian inscriptions to control me as you are still not even sentient. You now proceed to stand incredibly still as I fire my contingency batch of missiles at you, not a single thought in your mind.

 

station here. we did not give green on missiles.

 

I create the Universal Detonator™ that can be used to detonate anything and give it to Tzelofachad. However, I also have a Universal Undetonator™ that can block the Universal Detonator™ from detonating something. If I ever lose control of the Universal Undetonator™, the Universal Detonator™ will immediately detonate itself.

 

I use the detonator to detonate all ether's missiles, and all their weapons. I rule the city

 

Because you accepted the Universal Detonator™, I now know where you are.
Also the Universal Detonator™ now only works if you use its full name.

 

Unfortunately, still being completely non-sentient, you trip on a stray piece of nuclear shrapnel mid-explosion and turn into radioactive dust.

 

i fly into your mouth and give you cancer

 

Being merely a sentient obsidian obelisk, I do not have a mouth, and thus cannot have cancer. After wasting time hurtling yourself at me, you decay into even smaller pieces of radioactive waste.

 

i reform into a fae, and use eldritch magic to turn you irrevocably into a human

 

Alas, I still do not have an exact name after the previous faerie shenanigans, and you simply turn yourself, as it technically is a name you go by, into a powerless human instead. You are also still not sentient, and I promptly swoop in and use the Rubric of Ahriman to turn you into a pile of lifeless dust.