Serious Mental Health

So, hey. I'm back here with another serious post about my mental state. A few months ago I posted a thread here (which I won't bother linking because it's mostly irrelevant) about how I was losing the will to enjoy things. Making that thread and going public about those issues is what inevitably caused me to leave the content team a few days later.

The months between that post and this one have been... Not the greatest. At first it was fine, school was starting back up and there weren't any real issues. Soon, though, I began slipping back into the mindset I had in the summer.

My problem back then was more than I really talked about in my previous thread. Sure I was losing the motivation to do anything, but that was mainly caused by a bigger issue that's still plaguing me now.

Any time I'd go to try and be productive, I'd quickly start being overwhelmed with negative thoughts about how I couldn't do anything right, how I was useless, how I was just a waste of space. Those feelings were stockpiling up over the past couple of months, and the eventual crash is what led me to quit the content team.

These feelings are coming back in full force. It started in October and has gradually compounded into what I'm dealing with now. It's a serious problem I've known about for ages, but never did anything about.

I'm fully aware of what I'm suffering from. I know that this is Bipolar, even if I don't know what form. While these spots of negativity are a major part of my problems, I also have plenty of time where I just go through life, not thinking about any of this. There are others when I'm happy, completely ignoring all of this. I've seen the symptoms and I know what this is. And yet I haven't reached out to anybody.

It's honestly sad that I'm more comfortable making a forum thread about this than I am to talk to someone in real life. No matter what I try, or whenever I think of doing something, I psych myself out. For the past month I keep telling myself I need to do this, that I need to tell somebody, but I can't.

It's getting to the point where evety day is a struggle. While in the past these kinds of things would come up rarely during the day, or just happen while I'm in bed, now every day sonething like this happens. It's gotten to the point where I've begun turning to self harm.

I don't know why I'm writing this all. Maybe it's because I want to tell someone without actually doing it, or maybe it's because I just want to put this all out there. I don't know.

...I'm going to sleep now. We'll see how I'm feeling in the morning.

And to anyone who read through all this, thanks for dealing with my rant about my own issues. I appreciate it.

 

I've had big problems with my mental health for many years, so I guess you could say I'm experienced lol
Probably the most important thing to do is tell someone you trust. Its good and all to dump your feelings out on the forums, as talking about their problems helps most people to some extent.. But, A vast majority or none of us know you in real life, so we may not be able to really help you in any meaningful way. I really urge you to talk to someone about this in real life, your friends and/or family can help you the most in times like this.

Its also important to realize it always will get better. Sure, it takes different amounts of time for different people, but I always try to make myself see the light at the end of the tunnel regardless.
For now do your best to be social and do interesting things. Trying lots of new things would probably be good. Do your very best to not think about your mental state, because you will only dig yourself deeper. I find that when I focus on my mental health I feel like the negativity is swirling me down into a bottomless whirlpool, the more I focus on it the deeper I spin down.
It seems that this has been going on with you for a while now, and at this point I would strongly suggest trying different kinds of antidepressants. They really make a world of difference for me.

Here's some other thoughts about what made a big impact on me.
My mom used to tell me that when it comes to getting my grades higher, It all eventually comes down to me, I'm the only one who can fix my grades.
This sort of applies to my issues, and likely applies to yours too. What I'm getting at is in the end you have be the one to want to be happy, and you have to be the one to really make yourself happy.
When my aunt learned about how I was suffering so much with depression at one point, she had a conversation with me.
The conversation itself doesn't stand out, it's the two words she said near the end: Choose Happiness. (This is sort of her motto in life; she's definitely had her fair share of tragedy in her life, [story for a diff time] And yet she sticks to this motto and by the power of her mind and her will only she's the cheeriest, sweetest,and friendliest person I've ever met.)
I don't really know why those two words have stuck with me. I didn't want them to. I didnt even find them particularly interesting at the time, but for whatever reason, they've stuck with me for years.
This likely sounds ridiculous to you, being in the mindset that you are, and I can't force you to believe it, but it's true. (Just magically choosing to be happy sure sounded like complete bullshit to me at the time.)
It's all on you in the very end, and after all the smoke and mirrors are gone, it's all in your head.
I hope these words stick to and have as big an impact on you as they did to me:
Choose happiness.

Phatass, signing off


(boy, I started to rant a little there too didn't I? Sorry if I seemed to repeat the same point a lot in the 3rd "portion" :p)

 

I don't really know about your mental condition and since each is slightly unique I suggest that you get professional help. While we might be able to provide anecdotal reports, we won't be able to provide the professional and efficient help that a counselor might provide, and hence I strongly suggest that you reveal this to someone you trust and seek help. Mental conditions are nothing to be ashamed of, it's not your fault, and there are people who love you, even when it seems that everybody hates you. So don't let anyone let you feel that mental conditions are something to be afraid of, something to be ashamed of. You be you, and seek help so that you can deal with the symptoms sooner and feel better and more like yourself

 

Ive always never really been motivated too do stuff unless im listening to music, try downloading some music and listening too it regularly (like once a day). Incase you dont want too download music go and listen to the opening and ending songs for the anime ,"Made in Abyss", both songs are nice for listening too since they have a cheery lighthearted feel too them.