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Serious I Don't Know Where To Go

Discussion in 'Nemract's Bar' started by Red-Eyed Knight, Sep 12, 2019.

  1. Red-Eyed Knight

    Red-Eyed Knight Custom Title VIP+

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    Hi. I wanted to write some stuff, get some things off my chest. I know this community is a good and kind one, so I trust everyone here to take this seriously, behave in an appropriate manner, and I want to ask everyone not to copy, cite or in any other way share these writings with anyone outside the Wynncraft community. Thank you.

    I'm about half a year away from turning 18, and about a week ago, I went back to school. I'm currently starting my fourth and final year, and I couldn't have less hope for it. Throughout my life, I have gone to five different schools: three primary schools and two secondary / high schools. Twice I've changed schools due to personal problems. You see, I'm autistic. I can't stand loud or excessive noise, I don't like being part of a big group, I've got unusual eating habits, I'm socially unparticipative, and most importantly: school doesn't work for me. Everything I learned, I learned by myself, watching YouTube videos, playing video games and whatnot. I taught myself Katakana, the Russian alphabet and a bunch of other scripts in less than a week, all combined, while I barely managed to learn the Greek alphabet during half a year, to give some perspective. After a very long time, my parents and I fully know that school, simply put, isn't for me. But now I've got to spend another year doing nothing of use, just waiting for my exams, which I know I can beat with my eyes closed. I don't need to explain how that can make a person feel useless.

    Since about a year ago, some projects to help me have been set in motion. I've been attending group training sessions every week, I got a custom schedule for the latter half of last school year, and there's about half a dozen teachers and psychologists trying to get me closer to my exams. But my parents and I are closing in on the decision that exams are of no point to me. I'd have to wait a year, sitting in a classroom full of loud, immature kids, just to get a certificate that I finished the lowest grade of school (vmbo, for those wondering). I don't know how it works in the rest of the world, but in the Netherlands, there are three 'profiles' you can choose in school. The first two being 'bèta' profiles, which are the exact sciences like physics and biology, and the other being less exact, which is civics, society studies and history and such (the 'alpha' subjects). None of these fit me. I've gone over it dozens of times, what I want to do in the future, and the only answer is writing and linguistics. I don't care about any other subjects, nor am I good at them. But none of the profiles fit such a description. I could potentially study languages at university, but I'd have to get a vwo diploma for that, which I know I cannot get because my brain doesn't learn things from books or classroom lessons. In other words, the desirable jobs and studies are locked behind a wall that I can't ever scale.

    Add to that the bad luck I had with this year's classmates and mentor. The other kids are... I don't know. Imagine three people that constantly respond to every impulse they receive, who try to fill any silence with their incessant ramblings, asking any questions they come up with, constantly seeking attention and approval. It's not possible to get anything done or to do anything worthwile at all when they're around. Then my mentor is completely oblivious to everything I've been typing out the last half hour. Right now there are three group trainers, a coordinator, one or two psychologists, a principal and two parents scratching their head on a daily basis to try further my education, among other things. I've barely got a say in these things. Part of my autism is a lack of self-perspective and self-knowledge. I only have a vague idea about what my dream job is, I've got barely a clue on what my social skills are, and I rarely know how I'm feeling at any time. So I'm not actually capable of participating in these discussions about my own future. Honestly, it's maddening. I mean the title of this thread very literally: I don't know where to go right now. I could stay in school, but that'd be wasting my time, and it would drive me mad. The other option is dropping out, after which I've got nothing to show at any job or school application. I could do something called an mbo training, which prepares you for labour jobs like baker, bricklayer and whatnot, but like I said before, I couldn't care less about such opportunities.

    During lunch break, I was browsing Reddit, and I found a post on r/askreddit about small and often overlooked symptoms of depression. Some examples given are being tired all the time, going to bed extremely late, lack of motivation and a bunch of other habbits that I recognised about myself. I'm writing this at 2 AM, for instance. So should I tell my parents? Obviously, yes. But it would only add to the pile of problems and distress that the aforementioned team has to deal with. I'd only be asked more questions that I can't answer. I'd only have more talks with teachers and psyhologists. It would tire me out, even more so than now.

    I've barely got any idea how to summarize this, it's such a mess. But it's nice to be able to say a bunch of things that people will have forgotten later.

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  2. H0Y0Y0Y0Y0Y0B0Y

    H0Y0Y0Y0Y0Y0B0Y A H0Y0Y0Y0Y0B0Y IMPROVED

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    I think you should tell them about your potential depression and get it checked on. That problem, won’t go away normally on your own. Although telling them might cause problems now, it will be less than the problems that the said depression may cause in the future if it worsens. However, I am just some idiot like all the other idiots on the internet, so take my information the way you want. However this idiot wants to help the way he can, and I bet a bunch others. I hope you can find meaning in your life.

    @Bayonetta I think you could help him
     
    Bart (MC) and Red-Eyed Knight like this.
  3. LASAGNA IS GOOD

    LASAGNA IS GOOD A LASAGNA Addict

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    This is a pretty complicated situation. I believe the walls are closing in and it seems you might want to check on that potential depression. Go to a therapist (That doesn't know you, so they can see you in another way and won't get overwhelmed by your situation). It will go a long way.

    My best suggestion is to be optimistic and put up a smile. Even though it might be a fake one, it will go a long way.
     
    Red-Eyed Knight likes this.
  4. ActualAnthonino

    ActualAnthonino A big ol' dumbie

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    I ain't an expert mate, but lemme tell you this,

    When my parents were getting divorced, I gained depression myself and told my mother about it.
    I started going to a therapist to talk with weekly and it really, really helped.
    Haven't felt like I've needed to seek help since.

    I get this is an entire different situation from you, but what I'm saying is that therapists are professionals and can 100% help you.

    Other than that, have some happy to music to hopefully help you:
     
    Red-Eyed Knight likes this.