Lore/Story Bonfire Submission (Looking for Criticism)

Hello!


^
Here is the link to my submission for the Festival of the Bonfire contest. I am (desperately) looking for criticism on what to do better. I keep telling myself my writing is garbage and yet can't put me finger on it. Want to know if anyone else can pick it up and notice anything sub-par.

This doesn't really represent my best writing but it's the only Wynncraft-related writing I have to share. I might put the rest in Nemract's Bar or something.

Thank you! Enjoy reading this terrible work.

Edit: Link doesn't work brb let me figure it out.

Okay here it is:

Spoiler: Short Story

The Light of the Fire



The melodies came her way before she could be caressed by the warmth of the flames. Trumpets and flutes played loudly, most likely for a hyped crowd and with a desperate need to be heard over the people's ruckus. The sound of which failed to reach her.

Still, Lucia had a hard time focusing on the distant music, mainly because of the thunder that her cart created.

The open-roofed cart rumbled over the stones of the road, clattering and jittering all the way. One of the wooden wheels would hit a particularly large rock in the road and lurch, only to fall back down onto the solidity of the mostly flat road. This created the structure of her ride from Ragni. A place now so far away . . . definitely compared to the length between her and her destination.

In the distance, the great walls of Detlas stood proud, a symbol of strength and endurance. The city, a bastion for humans and villagers alike, fended against Corruption, hindering its expansion.

Lucia's heart beat fast and her limbs shook at the thought of the Corruption. Why did her mind have to bring it up? She snuck a glance eastward but only saw rolling hills of green. Those couldn't deceive her, however, she knew the sick disease of the land rested just beyond the humps of the hills.

The Corruption served as a place of fire. So vile and evil, not of calming warmth . . . but a place of scorching and death.

She shuddered.

That, plus all the spiders in Nivla . . . perhaps she shouldn't have embarked on her journey. What festival would be worth her pain and stress from traveling?

No attacks on us—yet. Hopefully none shall come our way.

Lucia and the driver of her cart made up only a small part of a large caravan from Ragni. Safety in numbers proved its worth yet again, as well as the added bonus of Ragni soldiers walking with them. Any Corrupted figure near the caravan would be met with opposition from the soldiers, leaving the citizens safe.

The idea of safety that her current position barely registered. She couldn't help her chills caused by her thoughts of the Corruption. How could she know to depend on these soldiers, what if they got overwhelmed by a horde of Corrupted monsters?

She tried to clear her thoughts and focus on something else.

Lucia looked up and gaped as Detlas drew ever closer. At least all of her dreadful thinking helped pass the time of the journey.

She traced the fortified buttresses of the towering stone walls with her finger, following them up to the battlements, then to the refined peaks of the towers' roofs. With her vision now towards the sky, she watched the fluffy white clouds slowly inch along the vast blue sky—a wonderful day for a nice festival.

The music from the festival invoked a sense of courage within her. A perseverance to see this journey to its end, and to enjoy the festival.

The gate stood so close anyway . . . no good point could be made to go back home now.

The massive bonfires at the western gate to Deltas lit the entryway so well that shadows ceased to exist. Did the sun itself burn within the usually dim passage? Detlas must've had one extravagant budget to have captured the sun.

She nodded to herself in satisfaction of what she had seen so far. Detlas, so beautiful and strong, put Ragni to shame.

What would there be within? Too many people? Boring attractions and a waste of time?

No! Of course not! She reviewed the festival's options.

Corkian Firecrackers! Oooh. Lucia imagined the flaming stick pop in her hand, a marvel of Corkian technology, safely being able to hold a bit of chaos. Hmm, perhaps a bit much.

She could do the Battle of the Bonfire if she wanted, a low stakes team game of using a magic staff to inhibit opponents while going to their side of the field to capture wood from them. Plus a second phase of lighting the other team's flag with a bonfire provided in the middle of the arena.

Playing enough of it would let her access to a multitude of rewards, although most of them killed things or would protect her from things that wanted to kill her . . . weapons and armor. Only useful for a warrior, which she made a poor excuse of, considering the beams of her wand only so much as tickled the practice dummies in Ragnia, and she failed to cast a basic spell like Meteor.

She'd heard that one of the rewards healed wounds in an aura around it, a magic staff that placed a bonfire. It had been specially enchanted for the event.

Lots of snacks and consumable goodies would be sold too, without need to participate in any events.

Lucia's cart rolled into the city, leaving the west entrance behind her. Magnificent buildings of detailed architecture lined the spacious street. People gathered off to the sides, talking, playing, and gathering by the bonfires to watch the mesmerizing flames.

Nearby chatter filled her ears, and the music somewhere in the city drowned out because of the closer noise. She twitched to get out of the cart and find that sound again.

Her heart fluttered. That sound wouldn't be the only thing she could find again.

Many old friends would've arrived at Detlas too, so that they could also enjoy the festival. Perhaps she could meet them again?

So much to do! Where would she ever start?

She grabbed her bags, bringing them close and ready to hop from the cart.

Someone in the group of people to her right waved a Corkian Firecracker in their right hand. Lucia's gaze followed the firecracker's tip as it sent sparks flying in every possible direction. No one around the device seemed not to care, as if they did not see the spitting sparks, or they did nothing to harm the passersby.

Many individuals in the crowd wore a fun sun hat, either made of straw or some other material and with a bow tied around it. A few people wore bunny ears, and others had skulls on top of their own noggins.

Lucia reached for her unadorned head, and frowned. She felt only stray, rebellious hair that did not want to flow down her head, contrary to the rest of the strands. Maybe she could get one of those nice hats somewhere?

The caravan kept on its way along the road, heading for the very center of Detlas. It served as a place for gathering, where the largest bonfire in the city blazed, and where all the guides would be—or perhaps, just guide, singular.

Detlas's roads created a stark difference between the ones outside its walls. Lucia did not notice a single bump on the road, nor extreme jostling of the cart.

The buildings around her appeared flawless too, made from the best stone for foundations, the perfect wood for a frame, and with walls of tudor so clean it might as well have been new. Lucia could almost bet that the tudor could reflect the sun's light like a polished mirror if it just looked slightly whiter. Some buildings had blue tudor, looking made from a pristine lapis or something.

Lucia looked to her front, down the road. The flames from the bonfire reached for the sky and then beyond that as they rose from yellow to orange to red.

She nearly jumped from her place in the cart to run to the fire, but she would soon make it there anyway.

To her left and right stood a multitude of shops, from a weaponsmith on her right, to potions and armorsmithing to her left. They surrounded the open plaza, which in turn enveloped the grand bonfire.

The first cart in the caravan stopped. Each cart in the row stopped until Lucia's own could go no further.

"Looks like this is it, missy," the driver said, resting his hands close to his legs and setting the reins to his side. He finally got to relax his arms after the long ride from Ragni.

Thank you," Lucia nodded. "Enjoy the festival."

He tipped his hat, "you make sure to have a good time too."

"I will."

Lucia curtsied and hopped from the cart with her bags in hand, promptly swinging them over her shoulder and around her opposite arm, letting them hang like that by a strap. That way, she could carry items without having to hold anything—convenient!

She noticed the Corkian Firecracker vendor to her right, with a big sign on it that read "SOLD OUT."

Lucia sighed with shoulders hunched, and continued down the road on foot. From the edge of the plaza, the soothing flames sent pulses of warmth through her body.

The crowd however, continued to cause her stress. People walked this way and that, so many bodies stuffed together. She tried her best to sift through the mob, without accidentally hitting anyone, and did so with mostly success. If she continued to stare at the people around her though, her current streak of success may plummet.

All around her she saw competent warriors dressed in armor from gambeson to full-plate, many of them had swapped their helmets for hats and other head accessories.

She spotted bows of driftwood hanging from the shoulders of many of the warriors. Some of them held a mighty hammer made from the remnants of a bonfire as well.

How might she appear if she had a weapon of her own and durable armor? What kind of life did all those renowned soldiers live? A life of glory, adrenaline, and death? Yet also of adventure and sightseeing, being able to travel alone from Ragni to Detlas without fear of spiders or Corrupted enemies?

She would be able to experience the entire world . . . and all the wonders it had to offer. Perhaps more enjoyment would come to her, from not needing to fret so much about the safety of her own life and that of those around her.

Her heart beat faster, but from what? Excitement at the prospect?

Lucia made her way through the crowd patiently, slowly making progress to the bonfire. There, a guide stood, offering suggestions of what to do and information wherever someone needed it. He also went by the title of "Bonfire Keeper."

"Excuse me," Lucia said as she walked through the horde of people. "Pardon me."

The Bonfire Keeper finally stood in front of her, dressed in garb to match the bonfire and a . . . bucket on his head.

"H-hello," Lucia greeted.

"Ah!" The guide exclaimed. "What would you like to know about?"

"I. . . ."

"Mmh, I see your expression, is the bucket too much? Can you hear me all right?" He removed the bucket and instead produced a pirate hat from his tunic and put that on.

What did she want to spend her time doing? What about the festival called to her?

She glanced around her, specifically, at all the proud soldiers that enjoyed the festival, leisuring and doing all the activities, as well as socializing by the flames.

"How may I become a warrior?" She asked.

"Hmm," the Keeper thought. "Not the typical guidance I give out indeed. . . ."

Lucia narrowed her eyes, "well, can you help me?"

"That's a tall order for me, young lass. Yet I'll tell you this: my brother and his crew came along with me this year, and they're umm . . . odd, of sorts.

She tapped her left foot against the stones below her, "odd, of sorts?"

"You may see for yourself," the Keeper said. "They parked their wagon to the northwest of here, by the wall. They definitely will provide the help you seek."

"They can help teach me to fight?"

"If you so desire to hone your skills in combat, they will be a worthwhile conversation," the Keeper responded.

"Well," Lucia said. "Thank you."

"My pleasure."

She left the guide and proceeded to sift through the chaos of people again. The festival needed a bigger city!

She left the open plaza and walked upon the northern street. She promptly headed down its way.

On her walk to the northwestern section of the city, she came upon a roofed cart parked by the side of the street. A man in a cow suit called to the crowd from the driving seat of the wagon. People pooled around him, not unlike flies to a bright light. Something about the man certainly . . . drew her towards him.

"Three free Bonfire Festival items!" The man called. "Get your three free Bonfire-themed cosmetics here!"

Lucia squinted up at the man and tried to see what he held in that cart of his. She saw the bunny ears and skulls that some people wore, as well as weapons and some other items she couldn't discern.

The man put his hand into the cart without looking and produced three items to hand to someone who stood close to the cart.

"Would you perhaps care for some experience bombs? Would you like to take a fiery dragon with you on your adventures? How about daily monster totems and the ability for everyone to see what you name your pets?"

"I-I'm good," the person said. "Thank you though."

The man in the cart continued on like this, handing out items to the crowd and then advertising his priced goods. Some people did walk away with funky potions or bombs in their hands. W-was that not a public safety hazard?

Soon, nobody waited between the cow man and Lucia.

"The three items, please."

The man nodded, "of course of course! Here you go!" He reached into the wagon and retrieved three items, handing them to Lucia.

She took them, "thank you for this."

Smiling, the man said, "You're welcome. Now, would you like some—"

"I'm in a bit of a time crunch, perhaps sometime later. Thank you." Lucia bowed her head and continued on.

In her arms, she carried a cute sun hat with a ribbon tied around it, a wand made out of a type of white wood, and a bottle of something.

Could she drink it? She put the hat on and stuffed the wand into one of her bags, leaving her to hold the mysterious bottle.

No . . . it looked like some kind of dust. Something to snort, perhaps? She smiled mischievously at her own thoughts. No—that couldn't be its purpose.

She took the cork off the bottle and poured some of the dust onto her free hand.

Hmm? She inspected the dust, pushing it around in her hand. It quickly dissolved.

She jumped, hitting someone behind her, "sorry, sorry!"

The person behind her chuckled.

"What?"

She turned around, as she did, black particles like tendrils turned to follow her by the back. She looked over her shoulder to see those particles creating tentacles in the color of the abyss at her back.

"Eek!" She cried.

"Particle effect," the person informed her. "Neat, aren't they? And infinite." They wore chainmail armor and held an overstuffed pack at their back. Oooh, she talked to a soldier!

Lucia glanced at the bottle, still full, as if she hadn't poured any of the dust onto her hand.

"Strange," she remarked.

The soldier agreed, "indeed."

Lucia continued on her way, with the creepy tendrils following in her wake. She mulled over the particles, shifting her weight slightly. Could they go away? She didn't know quite how to feel about them. What would others think when they saw her with them?

"You don't happen to be a 'Lucia', do you?" The soldier asked.

Lucia turned around again, "y-yes?"

The soldier pulled down their chainmail coif, perhaps in hopes she would recognize them.

"Who—?"

"It's me!" They exclaimed. "Augustus."

"Ah!" Lucia said. She stuffed the bottle of particles into one of her bags and then jumped into an embrace with Augustus.

He returned the hug by wrapping his arms around Lucia, "it's so good to see you!"

"You too," replied Lucia.

He jogged up to her and walked by her side, "are you going to see the Envoy?"

"The who?"

"The Bonfire Keeper's brother."

An envoy? An envoy for whom? "Oh, yes."

"I'm going there too," Augustus informed.

"Really?" Lucia asked. "You don't seem like the warrior who needs improvement."

"Huh?"

"The Keeper said that his family might help me start working on my skills."

Augustus patted Lucia's shoulder, only after making a perplexed expression, "going to become an adventurer?"

She nodded, "I think it's finally time."

They turned left off the north street into a bit of a garden area. A place of dirt and gravel floors, and of undefined roads. Plants bloomed to its edges, and a warm bonfire danced in the middle of it all, creating an open and welcoming space. Perhaps if the creepy decay in the rightmost corner of the space ceased to exist.

A cart sat in that corner. Someone stood on the cart, while another person stood off to its side.

She glanced away from the various bones dotted around the cart.

Oh? Lucia's steps slowed, until she stopped multiple meters away from the cart. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Should she turn around and go someplace else? She should almost definitely turn around and go find something else to do.

"It's fine," Augustus said. "The skulls and stuff are just decoration."

"Wh—"

He took her hand and urged her to come with him. She reluctantly followed.

"Hello, hello!" The man on the cart exclaimed, throwing out his arms. Was he the Envoy? "You must be the heroes the Seer has been telling me all about! A pleasure to finally—"

"You're scaring them off," the person next to him replied. The Seer, perhaps?

"I am not!"

"You don't have to do this every time."

The Envoy frowned, "oh, but where's the fun in that? Aren't I allowed to be a little dramatic? It is such a rarity for us to visit the mortal realm."

" . . . Fine, do what you will," he sighed. "Just remember that I told you so when the heroes stop wanting to talk to us."

"Alright, alright. I understand."

"Good," the Seer gave a brief nod.

"Well, hello there, heroes! Like I was saying earlier: it's good to meet you!"

Lucia poked Augustus's shoulder, "you're a hero!"

The Envoy produced a warm smile, "I believe you too, are our hero."

Lucia gave him a confused look. Why would I be anyone's hero?

"Have you met my brother yet?" The Envoy asked.

"Yes."

"He's the one who put together this entire festival. Though . . . if it were up to me, I'd have made it a bit more, hmm, spooky, shall we say?"

The Seer cleared his throat, "well, regardless of 'spookiness', we're here to enjoy the festivities, and—well—find some help too."

Lucia and Augustus shared a glance.

"What do you need help with?" Lucia asked.

"We have something of a . . . predicament. There are fragments of spirits scattered across the land, and—"

"And there's not much we can do about it," the Seer interrupted. "Normally we would have our Guide handle it, but. . . . Well, let's say that isn't an option."

"Oh?" Lucia said. "What happened to your Guide?"

"A matter for another time."

"Not relevant—you're here!" The Envoy cheered at the same time. "And you can help us out!"

"You want us to travel the land to find these spirits?" inquired Lucia.

The Envoy picked up a lantern from the cart, "yes. The Guide left us this lantern, which you'll be able to use to track these specters down."

"Intriguing." Traveling the land may let her sightsee, as well as develop the skills needed to become an able warrior.

"Every spirit you track down, I can offer you a sum of emeralds, too!" The Envoy said.

Lucia remained unmoved by that statement.

"In addition: we have several old trinkets of ours lying down. For every seven spirits you disperse, I'll give you one of them."

"These spirits are . . ." The Seer added. "Unpredictable. They will make themselves known over time. I suspect one will be able to be tracked down every day."

The Envoy handed Lucia the lantern, "with all that said—here's the lantern! Please take care not to lose it, would you?"

Lucia nodded with confidence, "I will not lose it!"

"Happy hunting!"

"Thank you!" Lucia curtsied.

Augustus bowed, "good talking with you."

The two of them walked away from the cart, but lingered in the garden. Lucia glanced back at the Envoy and Seer, who chatted quietly.

Lucia held up the lantern, "where do you think the first spirit is?"

"I have no idea," Augustus confessed. "Don't you want to enjoy the festival first anyway?"

"Yes, I do."

"Want to do anything in particular?"

Lucia opened the bag with the wand in it and pulled it out, she grinned, "I think I want to gear up here, maybe see what the festival has to offer on the way to the armorsmith."

Something inside the lantern bonked against the glass casing, causing Lucia to lurch forward, as well as the lantern to sway to the east.

"Hmm," Lucia said. "I think I know in what direction the first spirit is."

 

Have some more faith in yourself! It's really good!

This is the only thing that really stood out as "incorrect" to me (and it's just a minor grammar error). "deceive her, however, she knew" -> "deceive her, however. She knew"

In the beginning, you mention the sound of melodies - I think these paragraphs could be moved to somewhere closer to the paragraph where she first sees Detlas. It'd make it flow better, in my opinion, since she is first riding in the cart, and then hearing the melodies. Also, you tend to see things before you hear them (unless they're somehow obstructed from your view), so it'd make sense she first see Detlas and then hear the melodies.

When she gets to Detlas, she has doubts about how fun it will be. This bit isn't really elaborated on later, and it kind of distracts the reader from the other concern (Corruption, spiders) which is actually further added to later on in the story. Nor is it that she was forced to go (probably), so she'd probably have already made up her mind by then. It's not a lot anyways, so removing that one bit won't really affect the meatiness of the intro, in my opinion.

The part about the Battle of the Bonfire is cool, but I think you could take a lot more artistic liberty in describing it. It doesn't have to be just like how it is in game. Also, "Capturing wood" doesn't sound as fun as say, "seizing wood to fuel a spectacular bonfire on their own side of the field."