Serious A Friend Of Mine...

I’ve never asked for personal advice before online (especially not on a Minecraft forum), but I want to know if anyone else has gone through this. I just simply don’t know what to do and I fear what I do won’t matter or make it worse either way.

A close friend of mine got arrested the Friday before last Friday for sexually assaulting his cousin. At first I thought my other friends were screwing with me when I heard about it, but when they showed me the article I was shocked.

He was in Honors, a semi-finalist for the national Merit scholarship, never smoked or drinked, and never made any sexual comments or advances towards women. I’ve known him since middle school and we’ve had multiple classes together and hung out during the summer with other our friends. He got accepted to Purdue’s high ranked engineering school...

And now he’s probably going to jail and I won’t see him at Purdue. I haven’t seen him since I heard about it on Friday, and I don’t if he will even graduate. I just don’t know why in God’s name he would ever do this.

I’m so conflicted because he was my friend and I genuinely care about him. But what he did was disgusting and I wouldn’t give a second thought to anyone that did what he did. Even if I didn’t talk to him about it it would still be awkward because it’s just too obvious. So I don’t want to see him at all because I have nothing to say that could help him.

However, he’ll never have a good life after prison. His parents are divorced and after this they’ll probably disown him. None of his friends will talk to him and by the time he gets out, he will be long forgotten by everyone he knew. And then what? He might not even have a high school diploma, let alone a college degree.

So idk what I should do. No matter what, he was my friend and I will care about him. But at the same time I feel there’s helpful nothing I can do and there’s no way to defend him. I just hate everything about this situation. If anyone has ever gone through this, I’d appreciate any advice.

 

A seemingly law-abiding citizen who just sexually assaults his cousin is pretty strange. You should probably hear his side of the story. Like you said, you've known him since middle school, so there is a small chance that he would tell you what happened.

 

Idk. He probably won’t want to talk about it.

 

Seems like a very hard situation. I certainly haven't gone through something like this. But, now i'm curious and i don't want to intrude or anything if its not my place. I also want to help if i somehow could. Do you have any more details you would be cool with sharing? like, do you know anything about the past relationship with him and his cousin? Do you know what kind of sexual assault? I mean could it have been confused for something its not is what i'm getting at.. There is, after all, a big difference between them maybe getting drunk & him slapping her ass, and him actually sticking his [CENSORED BY SALTED] in her [CENSORED BY SALTED]. do you... idk.. idk what else to ask this is so confusing.. could his whole personality be an elaborate hoax!?!? (because that's pretty much the only explanation i can come up with rn)

 

No, all the details I got came from a news article. It just says sexual assault, and given that she was taken to the hospital I assume it was the later. He also did it in her sleep so it wasn’t with her consent. I don’t know the cousin, and I extremely doubt it was faked. Maybe if it was one of his ex’s and it was a month later I could see it, but not this.

 

Update: He’s pleading non-guilty and has a set court date.

 

When is the court taking place?
I wanna hear his side of a story and what happens.

 

April 30th. I’m still debating if I should talk to him b4 or after. If I do I’ll do it with my other friends that were close to him.

 

what a fucked up world we live in, eh?
so, how did everything go with the court case and such?

 

Here’s the thing, I haven’t heard about the court case anywhere, so I have no idea if he’s guilty or not. The only way to know for sure is to ask him, which would be extremely awkward. I’ve checked everywhere online and in the newspaper and there’s no mention of the verdict.

 

Try to be as friendly as you can... Thats all I can think of. Because, you don't know what could happen if you don't and better safe than sorry... Also try to ignore the incident I think it'll make it WAY easier for them to overcome the guilt.

I think try to guide them, after this incident nobody will try to talk to them or help them or even interact with them... Imagine how would that feel being completely alone in this crazy and evil world, nobody would like to feel that.

nobody.

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For god's sake find him and comfort him.

 

I just don’t know how. It would have to be outside of school, and if we surprised him then he wouldn’t talk. He’s already made it clear to my other friends that he doesn’t want to talk about it, so I don’t know how I would make him agree to talk about it.

Plus there might be something else going on. I find it suspicious that nothing has been said about the trial, so maybe they ruled guilty and they are just waiting to release the verdict after he finishes high school. He also still claims to still be going to college, so maybe he’s just lying about it to avoid the shame? Or maybe he got off and he really is going?

I haven’t and I’m not going to try to mistreat or anything, but if I ever want to hang out or talk to him again, I simply have to know what happened. I want to help him, but I can’t overlook what he did nor help him if he doesn’t agree. As much as I’m hurt about what he did, it’s not my place to forgive him; it’s his cousin’s. So if he gets off or doesn’t reach out to his cousin, then I simply can’t talk to him anymore.

Though despite what I said, I want to at least say goodbye to him and set the record straight (even though he’s supposedly going to the same college as me). I do appreciate the advice too, and I don’t really hate him. But even if I do find out about everything, nothing is going to ever be the same...

 

I highly recommend not letting the hypotheticals stir in your head. Especially thinking he's lying about going to college, and not wanting to talk about it. It's best to have a clear head in these situations.

To be truthful with you, if you have these doubts about their character and who they are, then you should close contact with them. Those kinds of feelings towards someone will stay with you for as long as you know them. There'll always be that nagging thought in the back of your head questioning everything, and if you can't get rid of that then you shouldn't subject yourself to that mental torture. It's not fair to your friend either for having to have a friend who can't move on past what they did.

Take what I say with a grain of salt, I'm not a psychiatrist lol. But be sure to be aware of how your attitude towards your friend has changed, and whether you want to think like that about them the rest of your life.

 

That was what I was afraid of. It just seems kinda hopeless at this point to talk to them. When I looked at others, I wanted to always be able to talk to my friends and never let anything get in the way. Especially since he’s supposedly going to Purdue’s engineering college.