Salted X Me Fanfic

Hey guys, just to clarify this is all just a fanfiction that I made because I really appreciate Salted and all the good things he has done for this community :3 Please don’t think any less of me because of this ;-;

It was a day like any other, Salted had left work late again and to unwind he decided to go to the usual bar. Upon entering through the door he saw me, and once we made eye contact I just waved at him. Shortly after he made his way into the one empty stool near me.

“Sup, nice to see you here.” He said. Oh, poor Salted. You could tell the fatigue in his voice. There was no need to ask him how his day had gone, I knew I would get the same old “it was alright“.

“When are you going to stop overworking yourself, uh? You know it’s bad for your health”

“Oh, it is what it is… someone has to keep the ship afloat, if I don’t do my part then, well… I’ll just sink”

“Don’t be like that, if you’re exhausted you’ll just sink even faster, you have to realize that! Sometimes I wish I could just take that weight off your shoulders and be the one to do your work…”

“Aw, how thoughtful of you, but it’s still my job, so the responsibilities are also mine.”

To bring the mood up a little I ordered some drinks for the both of us. I knew he wouldn’t refuse having some good old booze after a long day. I always want to be the one to pay, but he never lets me.

“Hey, I know that you’ve been busy and all lately, but don’t think I’m letting slip the promise you made me.” I said, trying to strike up a conversation.

You could tell by his face that he was confused, he clearly must’ve forgotten.

“You silly cow… the promise you made weeks ago about helping me move the furniture in my house? Doesn’t that ring a bell?”

“Oh yeah, that… Uh…” Salted was blushing. He may have been speechless, but that didn’t stop him from making some sort of comeback.

“How about this… we go out for dinner tonight and then we deal with that furniture stuff tomorrow, sounds good?”

“You know I was just teasing you, right? But yeah, I guess I could go for a bite… or more than just that, if you know what I mean~” I replied

“You really like to tease, don’t you?”

Soon after we went to a restaurant just down the road. Salted knew it was my favourite. The food there was delicious like always, but I couldn’t keep my face off of Salted the entire time. His gleaming eyes, his meaty lips, that succulent expression he had on his face… I have been trying to get closer to Salted for a long while, but despite my countless attempts at showing him affection I’ve gotten nothing in return. But today it could be different, today I could make my move. Just as I was dreaming all about Salted the man himself noticed my abstracted expression

“What’s with that look on your face, were you thinking about something?”

“Me? Oh, y’know, I was just thinking about life, that kinda stuff”

“Oh seriously? I myself think about life and “that kinda stuff” regularly too” he replied with a cheeky grin on his face.

“C’mon don’t be like that. If you really wanna know then, I was just thinking about all the unwatched movies that I have just laying around in my house, too bad I never have anyone to watch them with~”

“Uh, what could you possibly be suggesting? I mean, scratch that, I know well what you’re saying, but you already know how Grian gets when I come back home late.”

“Aw, don’t be a party pooper! Tomorrow’s your one day off, and you’re gonna tell me that you can’t even spend a few hours with me? You’re breaking my heart, you know that?”

Although I just said what I felt I still didn’t want to make Salted feel worse, so I made it clear that I was just teasing. He seemed to understand, but that didn’t stop him from feeling bad.

“Well, ok… I do owe you one for forgetting to help you move your appliances, just don’t expect me to do any of that stuff now, alright??” Salted said, his frowning expression had just changed to a smile.

We split the bill 50/50 and we headed to my house. Salted complimented how clean it looked, but that was partly because it was mostly empty. I grabbed some drinks from my refrigerator and gave them to Salted, after that we just had chit-chat for a while. Despite being noticeably tired he was still incredibly charismatic in his responses, oh Salted, how lovely you are…

“Hey, so, where are these movies you were talking about, I might just fall asleep any second now from the boredom…” Salted teased, but he was indeed getting sleepy.

“C’mon now, don’t fall asleep in my kitchen! Come here, I’ll show you where you can rest.” I said, shortly before guiding him to where my bedroom was.

“Sit down, we can watch the films in here!” was all I had to say for Salted to sit down on my bed.

It was rather dark in the room, so before he had any time to react I jumped onto his lap, embracing him with my arms.

“WOW, what are you doing? You already know how jealous Grian get-” Salted spoke, but I interrupted him

“Think for yourself for once! Are you seriously going to let someone dictate how you want to live your life? You told me that your job was your responsibility, so why can’t your life be your choice?”

Salted didn’t have much to say, in a situation like this it must be hard to even have straight thoughts. But anyway, I reassured him

“Besides, we can just take it slow, don’t worry, it’ll be alright”

And just like that, Salted had finally let his guard down.

At first I did all those lovey dovey things that you in moments like this, but you know how it is, that gets boring quickly. It needs some spice for it to work.

I directed my attention at Salted’s neck and I took a playful bite.

He quickly took notice and simply said:

“hey… I’m not too sure about this… sorry, but I don’t think I’m quite ready yet…”

Oh no, I think I screwed things up! I can’t believe it, I’m so dumb, I just wanted to make things right. Oh, poor me!! If Salted reacts like this to just a playful bite, then how would he even react to a… real one?

“HEY, what are you doing!?? You’re hurting me!” he squirmed…

“”You’re hurting me””… he said, but I knew that. I kept biting, deeper and deeper. The flesh eventually started coming off.

He was screaming, but I didn’t mind it, really. If anything, it was just about the perfect symphony for an occasion like this. A delicious buffet, served only for me, while having the pleasure of being under the most beautiful symphony the human vocal cords can produce, is truly too good to be true.

The human brain is pretty funny though. Why was he screaming? What I mean is, who was he screaming for? It was the middle of the night, and he knew that where I live it’s mostly deserted. He knew this, he knew that I had no neighbours, he knew that the chances of anybody coming to his rescue would be close to none, yet he screamed.

He kept struggling for freedom, but my grasp was far too strong. I had spiked his drinks, he never stood a chance.

As his consciousness slowly faded away his muscles relaxed, it became much easier to consume the flesh. By now you could feel the effect of the adrenaline and all the cortisol he produced during his state of panic. It affected the flavour of the meat, and even soured it, but although it may have affected the taste I can guarantee that it didn’t affect the overall experience, if anything, I enjoyed knowing I had instilled so much fear into him during his final moments.

After a while of scavenging the flesh I took one good look at the body. Unrecognizable, just as I had thought. However, that is not enough. To occult any possible evidence there cannot be any flesh at all. Granted, I could have used some chemical to get rid of it, but you do not simply throw away your meal before it’s finished. You do not simply throw away such tasty meat. You do not simply throw away your prey after a successful hunt.

After I got done with the flesh I did the usual business and all the bones and whatnot were gone. With that taken care of I could finally do what I wanted to do for so long, my true plan.

The next day Salted woke up, went to his “job” (if you can even call interacting with a bunch of unpaid volunteers that) and he greeted his fellow colleagues. Nothing wrong here.

As a matter of fact, the people who worked with Salted started noticing his improved work rate, efficiency and much better overall attitude.

He should be the one thanking me, really. Once I consumed him he became a part of me, and now I get to be the best Salted that the world could ever know, much better than what he could have ever been.

I fooled everyone, although I must admit it was quite easy. Just a few jokes here and there, a few quips and you’ve got the whole entire community entranced just by your mere existence. He was always like that, and replicating him was of no challenge. It has been years, but no one has noticed anything wrong, because they have no reason to. I’m Salted after all. The one and only.

They all praised him, his friends, his colleagues, the community… they all acted like he was some deity… but now I get to be acclaimed the saviour that I am. Now is finally my time to have influence, to have power, to let my presence be know. It may not be much, but now… now I get to have a taste of what it’s like to be God.

But I mean guys, it’s just a silly fanfic XD, nothing here is real :33

 

what the fuck is this post

 

Has this become the new copypasta

 

lovely story

wholesome

 

If I were Salted, I would be uncomfortable.

 

How did this shit get out of vip forums

 

Bruh, you have an interesting mind

 

When I posted the thread I was expecting it to be removed shortly after... I knew that the world simply would not be ready for the true muse that are my many works. I'm sure that you read through it all, that's most a moderators' job after all, and yet instead it merely gets moved to the Your Work section, the one section where I'm sure to lure in unsuspecting victims to witness the true prowess of my posts.
So for that, thank you, thank you for being based and red pilled. I hope you get a promotion for your hard work (or a salary at least)

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I have this funny feeling that between the two of us I'm the one who knows how Salted feels best.
Just a hunch though.

 

i love wynncraft...

 

13. Do not necropost.
Posting on a thread that has been untouched for more than around 30 days or has no discussion is called a necropost and is not allowed unless your post starts a new discussion. The poster of a thread can request for an unlock by sending a private message to a moderator or reporting the thread with the message “please unlock”.

Thread locked.

 

I LOVE BIGFOOT JINX!!!!

 

Salted still didnt reply

 

me when the when the when

 

Hay salted what do you think about this?

 

now this is what i call quality shitposting

 

Someone should alert salted abut this.


I’m gonna do it.

 

Im gonna do it, I’m going to give this to salted,

________________________________

@Salted wat are your thoughts on this?