Joe Biden HATES Wynncraft?!?!?!?

Anywayzz I was just vibin in my room playing some wynn. Just normal stuff. Farming professions is boring but hey, didn’t really have much else to do. It was in the midst of my intense gaming session that I noticed something quite peculiar, a notification popped up on my computer. Weird, I thought. I don’t remember turning pop-ups on. Anyways, after clicking on the notification I found out it was an interview, in this case, about America’s president Joe Biden. I was like “ok I guess”, so I watched it…

What I found shocked me. This was no normal silly little interview. By looking at Joe Biden’s blink patterns I discovered morse code, which when translated revealed the message “wynncraft is cringe lol”.

I am sorry, what???? Was I dreaming? NO. A true gamer never sleeps, therefore I couldn’t possibly be dreaming. I had concrete evidence now. That’s right, Joe Biden was after wynncraft.

I started hyperventilating, as much as I wanted to think that this couldn’t possibly be true I had to face the truth. And most importantly, I had to do something about it. They took a notice to my agitated behaviour and entered my room to calm me down. Bad decision. I noticed the open door and quickly tried wrestling my way out of there. I was outnumbered 4 to 1, but let’s just say that I can solo Corrupter of Worlds, so they weren’t much trouble as you can probably imagine

As I left the premises I heard the sirens and the screams. “Call the police! Someone has broken out of the mental asylum!!”, “Stop the patient from running away!!”. Their calls for help were nothing but cries now, I was already far, far away. And as the cow laments the loss of its baby calf, so does the monkey run away red-handed. That’s right, I WAS THE MONKEY NOW! I don’t see nobody calling me “unfit for society” and “unable to interact with other human beings” now, do I?!

Enough with the prologue, time to get into the real JUICY, TENDER, DELICIOUS, SUCULENT meat of the story!!

First things first, if I wanted to confront Joe Biden I’d have to be prepared. The thing is, I’m a shaman main on wynn. So while I do have the benefit of being superior over everyone else, I can’t really use a “totem” as a weapon irl.

Unsure of what to do I started wandering the city, when I suddenly noticed a group of EVIL, DESPICABLE thugs.

Spoiler: The evildoers

My blood was boiling at this point. I knew just what had happened last time I talked to someone as a free man. The EVIL government people went after me, but even if they do it again I don’t care, I simply cannot let this attitude slide.

“Hey, you dumb animals. Whaddya think you’re doing, huh?” I said firmly.

“O-oh, us…? S-sir, we are just w-waiting for our mommies t-to c-come pick us u-up…” The cowards timidly replied, on the verge of tears.

“BULLCRAP! I know that ain’t just what a bunch of criminals like ya are doing this late a’ night” I clapped back (making sure I didn’t swear, because that’s mean)

I continued: “Tell me now, you freaks play Minecraft, don’t cha? Which servers do you play on?”

A certain commotion ensued, an amalgamation of voices was the only sound present. Yet, there was somethings that stood out. You could clearly make out a certain word, a name… one that started with H… oh that damned H letter… The pricks were talking about Hypixel, weren’t they?

Spoiler: the place where tortured souls go, deemed for those whose hell wasn't enough of a punishment

Rage filled my veins, my mind was about to break, almost as if the great flood gates were about to succumb to the rainfall’s pressure. And then someone said it. Someone dared to utter a single word, born from the fusion of another two. Skyblock. This was the single droplet that broke the gates down.

I immediately nabbed the malefactor who said the word (atleast I think it was him I mean idk it was pretty hard to hear) and took him to the only place I knew in the real world, my crush’s house.

Yeah the restraining order thingy that I had was pretty scary, but since I had been forgotten by literally everyone who walked into my life it was pretty easy to go unnoticed.

Now all I had to do was actually enter the house. I remembered that she kept spare keys inside of a garden gnome or smth, but I forgot which one from the 47 gnomes had it. I mean cmon, you expect me to smash each gnome until I find a key? The chances of that are like 1 in uhhh… 7.5 million? Or was it 7.5 billion? Idk something like that I’m bad at math. However, if I recalled correctly, there was some sort of puzzle that upon completion would show which one was the right gnome.

Spoiler: the gnome (he be swaggin)

Yeah I didn’t really know what to do so I basically asked the kid I brought with me to help me break the gnomes. Oh wait… Oh no. An alert went off inside of my head. A puzzle… I was cooperating with someone to find a solution… No. NO! This was just like the infamous “???” quest from wynncraft!!!!

I started going haywire from remembering all the PAIN!! All the GRIEF! And I basically caused irreparable property damage. I just used the hole I made in the walls to walk inside the house.

Spoiler: the hole I made (Im pretty strong)

Inside the house I chained the thug and started looking for weapons. I didn’t tell you this as to not ruin the surprise, but I already had an idea of what to do with the kid. Oh poor little soul… I, of course, couldn’t get one of those silly Wynncraft weapons, but I had found something in the kitchen that should suffice.

He shrieked in terror, he begged me to stop. But I simply couldn’t, it had to be done, for the good of Wynncraft as a whole.

That’s right… I had just forced the kid to send a message to Joe Biden, telling the old man to come get a cupcake. I’ll be honest, I felt bad for the child. No kid should ever have to be forced to talk to an 80 year old politician.

Spoiler: what I found in the kitchen (I used the phone to text biden)

Spoiler: the cupcake

Finally, my plan was being put into motion. Joe Biden responded to the message. He was able to sniff a ripe child through the screen and replied with obscenities that I cannot show here.

Spoiler: irl footage of joe in the act

Within seconds I heard knocking at my door. What?... I mean like seriously, how did he arrive in seconds I mean wtf how?? Anyway, I hastily freed the kid (the bait) from the shackles I placed on him and gave him a delicious cupcake I found in the fridge (the prop). I grabbed him and we went to the spacious basement, where I had the kid tell Joe to come after I hid.

Spoiler: basement (it is spacious)

Joe Biden had finally arrived, revealing his imposing presence.

“Hello, little one. I assume you have a cupcake for me, yes?”

The child nodded.

“Haha, great, great. I would have really enjoyed sharing a cupcake with you, too bad that we have… company.”

Oh crap! Biden must have found out that I was hiding. Well, he did… but that’s not what he was referring to…

Suddenly men burst from within the walls, these were Joe’s guards. Turns out, the “company” also included these guys. But how the hell did they even get inside the walls in the first place? Had I fallen into some kind of scripted trap??

Spoiler: joe's silly little guards (they were inside the walls)

“Foolish little rat, you think you can stand up to big J?” he said, looking me straight in the eyes.

“Men, get rid of our little intruder, I need to enjoy my cupcake.”

In a flash all the guards pointed their guns towards me. They started yelling “STAND BACK! We will shoot you!!”

I let out a mischievous grin, followed by words that would stun the guards.

“Cap”

The men were shocked, I had called them out. They could no longer draw their firearms.

“W-what? Y-you little… You’re n-not escaping o-out of this o-one alive!!”

“No u”

They looked at each other in some sort of amazement, almost as to ask ‘how could this be’. They were now terrified for their lives. I had just turned their bluff into a horrifying truth that they would have to deal with.

Joe Biden was livid “ENOUGH!! WORTHLESS RATS, YOU ALL!! NOBODY STANDS IN THE WAY OF ME AND LITTLE CHILDREN!!! AARRRRGHHH!!”

He lunged at me and I drew the knife I had perchance found in the kitchen. We then had an epic fight reminiscent of stronger than you director’s cut

Spoiler: (the actual knife that I found)

The battle


(yeah I know it looks like the dude with the knife ends up losing but cmon guys I swear I have a good explanation I mean cmon guys trust me pls)

Anyways I end up on the ground and Biden laughs at me.

Joe: “Finally. Prepare to meet your doom, fool!”

Me: “WAIT! what about the lore?”

J: “wat”

M: “ I mean yknow dude, why you were blinking “wynncraft is cringe lol” and even other stuff like the guards being magically inside the walls and you arriving here in seconds”

J: “wait I thought that the point was that you were schizophrenic or smth, I feel like that was pretty well emphasized.”

M: “well… no. ”

J: “oh alr”

J: “Allow me to enlighten your weak mind. You see, my great great grandfather was very devoted to his own arts. He made many discoveries that were way ahead of his time, however, one stood out, he had hypothesized a machine that could transmute elements from another reality into our own. They called him a madman, but he didn’t give a crap about what they thought. Through his research I have been given the power to alter this reality as I please. So I thought, why not add Minecraft to real life. That would be pretty cool. But where does Wynncraft play into this, you may ask. Well, you see, I’m not a big fan of that stupid server hogging all the players from my favourite game Hypixel Skyblock, it makes me PISSED. I can do whatever I want with reality, so you know what? I will delete Wynncraft from this world!!! Ha, and I bet you’re wondering: “Why the hell does this old man have such an obsession with Minecraft?” To which I reply… it runs in the family. Do you want to know what my great great great grandfather’s name was? THAT’S RIGHT, HEROBRINE!!!!!!!”

Spoiler: THE CREATURE!!

I was weak from the battle… I was seeing life flash from my eyes. But then I saw it… I saw the light. I saw a crack in Joe Biden’s plan.

I held myself together and got up from the ground. My face covered in the blood. Still, I made an effort to adjust my glasses. I gave good ol’ Joe a piece of my mind.

Spoiler: Me, in this moment of battle

“Um… achsually, saying words like “crap” and “hell” is very offensive, especially the latter, because it contains references to religion which some might not be comfortable with.”

The drool escaped from my mouth like I was some dumb geek, yet I remained, I had to be strong, I had one chance and I couldn’t waste it.

“Oh… and please don’t use capitalized letters, all-caps is often read as YELLING! And yelling at someone is usually not very nice.”

Spoiler: he is finaly defeated

The old man couldn’t believe what he had just witnessed. Making Minecraft real was a double-edged sword. He would now have to suffer the consequences of Minecraft’s weird new “moderation team” or whatever the fr*ck (please don’t ban me) that is.

Microsoft employees barged into the room. Everyone was there. I think that some off-duty employees even showed up. They didn’t have the Microsoft uniform but they said that they did work for Microsoft. Most of them were Indian tho, don’t know what that’s about.

But anyways, even big man Bill Gates himself was there. And he delivered the sentence.

Spoiler: big man bouta diss biden

Joe Biden, due to recent behaviour you have been revoked access to Microsoft’s products, and you shall now be banned from existing.

Joe: “BRUH I DIDI NOTTHIN WRNG I PLESEE NOO IU DON’T WANTA DIE”

Anyway that was it uhhhh he died. Idk what happened to the kid that I used as bait I think that bill gates took him or something idk.


THE END :DDDDD

________________________________

Definitely one of the longest texts I've written in here. Maybe I should have split it into 2 parts.
Funny how despite this it still feels like one of the worse ones :((
But hey, that's what criticism is for, ain't it :DDDD
(please c'mon I enjoy feedback)

 

I just lost so many braincells and I thoroughly enjoyed it

 

this is the funniest thing i've seen today

 

This is ridiculous on every possible level, but easily the funniest thing I've seen all day.

 

what the-

 

An absolute masterpiece the whole way through

 

This is one of the stories of all time

 

Finally, a thread truly worthy of “serious”

 

問候和我們中間的豆子可疑 Hello players of Wynncraft, we thank participation in 很酷很有趣 social experiment 在我們中間，可疑的狡猾舔中國的長城 + 20 social credit compensation 好的.

Thanks to our results (溫克拉夫特) Wynncraft will be acquired by Chinese Organisation of Children and Kids organization 我在電影院吃了一罐豆子 within a year 喬拜登鎮

我們中間吃了很多豆子不得不去醫院，不得不去醫院，這不是一次愉快的經歷 Joe Biden. 我們中間吃了很多豆子不得不去醫院，不得不去醫院，這不是一次愉快的經歷。吸了 belle delphine water 後我感冒了.

Long live Xi Jinping 唐納德特朗普很胖

 

I don’t know what I just read and maybe I don’t want to

 

yo biven huh

 

Finally someone who is brave enough to connect the dots

 

This is so sad it made me tear up..