Lore/Story Moldavite's Stories

Hi, i'm Moldavite. I just recently applied for GM and so far have been very confident that i may find myself in the CT once i get my app results. But here, i just got bored of waiting, and decided to write some stories so you guys can know how well I do at creating stories. I think my stories are good. But maybe not...? I still need constructive criticism on how to make them better. That's my job! Anyway, here are my stories.

Spoiler: Story 1 - Origins of Dern

A long time ago, there was a vast, kingdom of magic, named Lighera (pronounced "lee-her-a") the first settlement the Light has created right after the Earth's creation. The people of Lighera were very nice people; they were mindful of other light people around them, showed kindness, and most of all, were generous. But were they all? The Royal Family that helped sustain such a great kingdom were very, very generous and kind! They would even gather around with the peasants and have a kingly feast in the castle's dining room. If you were a citizen of Lighera, and caught a glimpse of one of the members of the royal family, your in for a treat with them. All except one. Eyzer "Watchen" Lighthelm was born with no magical prowess whatsoever. All citizens and royal family members wield magic at their disposal, except for Eyzer. One day, young Eyzer asked to his father, the King, "Do I have any magical prowess, Papa?" But he would always respond: "I'm afraid you don't, but you have a special kind of magic. Generosity." Eyzer was so eager to learn magic, but he was still nice to fellow citizens. But as time passes, Eyzer became a man full of bruises because he can't protect himself with magic. He always had to go to the Queen to get even the tiniest wounds healed. This prevented him from exploring, something he loved doing. He got really frustrated, and when he was out in the open, he would no longer wave to the peasants. He was really angered. But one day, the Queen told her: "There is nothing to be mad about. We should always be happy, no matter what! Thats because there is a prophecy that one day our kingdom will fall into ruin by a terrible beast; so we must savour every last moment our kingdom stands." But one day, he burst: "Why?! Why can't I wield magic to even protect myself?! I would be exploring more of the kingdom gardens if I had magic to protect me from getting pricked by thorns!" The King replied calmly: "Now now, its not time to start a ruckus again. Remember, if someone was being rude, our kingdom would have never been around in the first pla-" "It's because your proud you have magical prowess, and I don't?" Eyzer let out a scream. Eyzer's eyes lost the purity he had. He was going mad and breaking vases. The Queen said:"Eyzer! Stop at once!" But Eyzer kept thrashing at decorations. But suddenly, when his fist approached the chandelier, a spark of purple and black energy shot through his hands, destroying the chandelier, and leaving spikes of corrupted magic. "Could it be?" Eyzer thought. He calmed down. But it was too late to do so. The corrupted magic took hold of his heart, and was screaming in pain. Soon, Eyzer realized he has finally gained magical prowess. The power, to not only wield corrupted magic, but to fulfill the prophecy his mom, the Queen told her. Then, Eyzer took the form of a large, gigantic eye. The King said in total shock: "Eyzer, what are you doing?" Then, IT spoke: "Eyzer? Pah! I'm not that useless, pathetic prince anymore. And thanks to him, I can have this place all to myself." The Queen said: "Then who are you?!" Then IT replied:

"I'm The Eye now."

 

psst... you copied and pasted the intro two times in a row.

As for the stories, I'll take a look later.

 

Thanks for pointing that out. Fixed it.

 

Sorry but you make a lot of beginner mistakes and from this piece of text I don't think you qualify to be in the ct. Fist of "you're" means you are and "your" means
"1.
(a form of the possessive case of you used as an attributive adjective):
Your jacket is in that closet. I like your idea."
Source: http://www.dictionary.com/browse/your

Here you say "your" when you're supposed to say "you're".

Same thing here.

Also simple things like you use Eysers name all the time try to change it up, it get's really repetitive. "Suddenly" is a word you should never use. It just ruins the flow of the story plus there are so many better ways to describe things happening. You also use "but" and "then" far too often. Some spelling mistakes and a few lines that don't make that much sense as well. (I don't have time to quote them all but if you have yourself or someone else read through your text they can probably point these out).

One of the cardinal sins of writing is changing tense. Which is something you do. For example:

This is present tense but almost everything else (might be one more I didnt see) is in past tense.

Also the story is boring. Sorry but it is true. There is no conflict except at the very end but it is very forced. There is not much logic involved and it doesn't help that there's no descriptions of anything. It just kind of happens.

This is something I said to someone else who was also writing. This is just an example on how to add drama and flavour to your stories. What I wrote isn't perfect of course but an improvement.

If there's something else I find I'll post a comment. Good luck with your writing :)