Serious Everything Wrong With Me

Hey.

This is Robin and Reflet, Bob and temmie, or whatever regrettable name you know me by. My real name is Kathryn, and I have four siblings.

So this is going to be one of those threads. I find myself wishing there was an easier way out of everything more times than should be healthy. So I'm going to put everything out there, as well as why I keep becoming "ded."

How to begin? When I was in first grade, my father left, my dog died, and I realized how much of a horrible person I really was after my teacher forced me to draw a card in front of the class for yelling at someone. That's when my depression began, and all of my friends left me. I became the laughing stock of my grade. Want to insult someone who either didn't know what you were talking about or wouldn't respond anyway? I'm your girl.

My family also hated- and still hates- me. I felt like all the genes just made a silent agreement to dump all the bad ones into one cell. I'm arguably ugly no matter what I try, the least smart (still always with a 4.0 and commended by teachers, but my older sister and brother were Valedictorian so...). I'm second best at everything in school- second fastest in track, my friend's second pick to be with, heck I'm second in the alphabet by last name most of the time.

My siblings though- they're angels. I see all their flaws, of course (my younger brother has the personality of a box and wouldn't stand up if he was going to be falsely hanged, my older sister lies just to get me grounded, and my older brother is lazy and uncaring). But no one else sees them. To my parents, friends (if I can call them that... getting to it) and distant relatives, they're all just rays of sunshine. "Sweet William helped grandmother down the steps while Kathryn was holed up in my room playing games on her phone!" Mother'd announce to everyone. (I was working on Pre-AP projects...). "Kathryn made us late again!" "You didn't even tell me we were going anywhere." "SHUT UP AND STOP MUTTERING. YOU SHOULD KEEP TRACK OF YOUR OWN SCHEDULE," she'd yell at me in front of others.

Fast forward to middle school. I got better, ish...- my temper was completely gone, replaced with only sadness. I never spoke in class. I knew what bleach and nooses were, and when the train drove by every morning. But I couldn't answer a single question in health class. I didn't like boys like every other girl. They would talk about how Harry Styles or whoever was so hot, and I would just look and go "k." I didn't see it. My "role models" as I let myself believe were always girls. Hermione Granger, Lucina, Daenerys Targaryen, some of my peers at school- and god, I was awkward around them.

I didn't even consider I might be lesbian until my sister came out. Mom, of course, was mad. Being heavily religious, she called sis a sinner and said she was going to go to hell. Said she had given into Satan's temptation and it was her own choice when I asked why. I wonder what she would do if her least favorite daughter- the one she'd kicked out to sleep in construction zones at least once- came out?

Seventh grade. I met a girl I loved with everything I had. Smart, funny, beautiful, kind and real... I couldn't compare. She tried to talk to me a few times and I froze up and went red. Eventually she stopped trying. I don't blame her.

Two years later and present day, high school. I still love her and she still walks the halls. A living reminder of what I can never have both because I'm not good enough and because God messed up two letters in my chromosomes.

My friends. On the summer trip to Washington D.C., they "forgot" to add me as an inn roommate. As a result I got stuck with one of the popular girls and it was the most awkward thing ever. Every time I try to say anything, they shut me down because "that's dumb," "no, Katie." Or you know, just ignoring me. But I have no one else to go to so... friends for life? And there's the other people I sometimes hang out with, also with depression and constantly dropping "I have no friends that are girls."

As to why I leave? Honestly, it's because I screw up. I post something I should never have posted. I suddenly remember something awful I did. I lock my door and hide in my room until mother breaks it down because "it's my house and I should be able to go where I want." And before I know it, it's five weeks later and I don't even remember Wynncraft exists. I think it's happened three times now.

Yes, I've talked to therapists and counselors. They don't understand. They ask me why. What do you mean why? I can't explain why I hate myself and have you understand. You're a therapist, you wouldn't be here if you were depressed. Mother knows I want to kill myself- I told her. You know what she asked? Why. I can't come out to her, and whenever I name all my character flaws, she just says "no, that's wrong. You're beautiful and sweet," and will close it at that. A day later she'll be yelling at me for having no compassion. I like most of you more than I like my friends. You deserve to know. I just wish I wasn't so messed up in the head.

 

You have paragraphs upon paragraphs worth of hardships, hardships that anything I've gone through in my life wouldn't compare to. There are times when everyone will break into tears, times when fears and failures carve holes in their lives.
However, for every one of these terrible moments in someone's life history i will not doubt there are 10 times more good moments that we all take for granted. Optimism is the best solution to everything. If it somehow turns out not to be, that's something flawed with society on a deep level and you can stop blaming yourself. I don't think we've reached that moment. Optimism is seeing what you've taken for granted and seeing how it's actually been good for your life. I'm not actually a therapist, in case you couldn't tell, but I know a thing or two about low moments when you want to just stop. Sad things and bad things are going to happen. Every single one of us is going to have to deal with it.
They are going to happen to everybody and there's nothing we can do except look past them and see the fact that we're still living, see the fact that we're making good memories and that we will continue to make them for a long time.

I hope I helped.
I mean I know I just probably spiraled you into further depression but I'm not good at these things ok

Final Argument
if you're in second, someones in third. You're nowhere near the worst person you know, because it sounds like you know a lot of assholes. (subjective, of course, I know people who are in a whole other class of asshole than ANYONE you know)
You seem nice.

final final note.
so much edit i'm a panicking mess right now

 

My advice is to ask questions. The people around you seem to either have sticks up their asses or thick walls in front of them. Ask them why they're like that. Why does mom choose hatred? It'd be so much easier for her to make her own opinions then let some deity make them for her, and it'd be so much easier just to be nice to her daughter. Do the friends with the D.C. incident actually like having you around? I know it's a hard question to ask, and you may not get an honest answer, but it's worth asking. And should you care? These people that are around you, should you care about them at all? In a few years you'll probably be out of there, you seem to be doing pretty well academically. Just live through it for now. Seriously, ask questions.

That's my advice, anyways. Is it sound advice? I'm not sure.
Either way, good luck with your situation.

 

Think of it this way: if you can't please someone, you don't have to. Just do what you want in this life, as you only get one, and don't give a shit about society's feelings, as society has been wrong many times and will be many more. And most importantly, don't believe in a god who doesn't believe in you. When you say he messed up with your chromosomes, maybe he just wanted to challenge you, and have you end up stronger than your family in the end? After all, that's how life evolves and improves; rising up to the occasion presented, and taking it on. Don't be afraid to fail, either. The fear of failure is often worse than failure itself.

But that's just my two cents as an autistic insomniac athiest up at 3:30 AM so take it with a grain of salt if it doesn't help

 

uhhh ok wait hold up. you have bad friends? anyone who calls them selves TEMMIE and knows FREAKING HARRY POTTER deserves a cookie. just sayin

 

Now I get your username. Always a pair of twins as far as I can remember. Two sides of the same colin.

 

I feel you life sucks

 

I'll try my best to give some helpful advice or something here:

Things will always get better, no matter how low you feel at any point. If you're feeling down, then that will just mean the next good thing to happen will only be made better. From my experiences with you on the forums, you seem like a really great person to be around and really fun to be with. When people are shouting at you, trying to make you feel bad, or just being horrible, ignore them. Just cut them out completely, because people like that aren't going to change and suddenly be all sunshine and rainbows toward you. If someone says that you're stupid, or you lack something, just say 'Yeah, alright.' and carry on, don't actually take notice of them. You shouldn't leave the forums for long periods of time because you think you've posted something you shouldn't have. I've had moments where I've been indecisive on whether or not something I plan to post is relevant, or achieves the goal I want it to, but then I just hit the post button and think nothing more of it. In the end, it's just words on a screen; binary numbers stored in a large server somewhere.

To finish this off, don't ever kill yourself. It might seem like it'll stop things from getting worse, but all it does is it prevents them from getting better. You only get one life, and as much as things may seem bad now, you can always turn it around and make things better, as long as you don't give up hope of a better life; a life where the feelings you felt in your happiest memories are a common, daily occurrence. No matter how dark things get, how depressed you feel, there will always be a light to guide you. It might not be obvious, and it comes in many different forms, but it'll always be there, and it'll illuminate the path to your happiness.

I suggest you try and speak to the girl you love. You don't have to confess your feelings for her, just try to become friends at first, get to know each other better. It doesn't matter that you and she are both girls, because if you love each other, it shouldn't stop you. Who knows, maybe she's that light in your darkness to guide you?

 

Let me make it quicker for everyone else
"Dab on the hatters"
Now realy dont give a shit about what pepole say about you they say it cuz they lack in iq and wanna be good as you most likely maybe its easy for me to say this since I know Im a genius but try that

 

I relate to almost all of your problems.
I felt the same way a lot, too.
When you grow up and get away from all your problems and hardships, you will be an amazing person.

 

Please don't sum up my long-winded and heartfelt message with a shitty meme that doesn't even relate at all to what I was trying to say.

 

But Im retarded

 

What if the haters dab back?

 

Than you dab stronger

 

Hey, we all get depressed at somepoint in our life. This basically describes me last year. I relate a lot to the super religious mom thing, and when I try to talk to her she would tell it would get better but it never felt like it would get better. The conversation some hiw ended with her trying to convince me to go back to church (for the billionth time) but I talked my way out of it. I tried to ask her for advice, but it just came bqck to the church thing so I just stopped going to her for my problems. I felt stress during class. I would break into tears and randomly experience panic attacks (drove my dad insane once because I had one while I was mowing the lawn). I generally felt like ending my life. I went to a school social worker who I vented towards and and ended up at the hospital for suicidal ideation. I know that that's supposed to be a good thing that I was getting the help I needed, but it just made feel miserably. And I lied to the doctors and everyone else that I felt better, even do I didn't, just so I can go home and get the day over with. They say when a suicidal person jumps off a bridge/building, half way through the fall that they don't to die; they just wanted the pain to end. I guess my hospital visit made me realize this. And I slowly but surely got better.

When I first started typing this, I was kust gonna give some advice and just say "trust me, I've been through what you've been through", but then it turned into me telling my life story. And it felt GOOD! So if you ever need someone to talk to, you can always talk to me or anyone else on here. In my opinion, making this thread was a really good decision for your well-being.

 

You are still young life is shit we get it no reason to be depressed in 9 or 10th grade it happens your future will be the best trust me trust god trust yourself

 

One way to raise happiness is to get into a hobby like a sport or something like reading, coding etc. Hopefully I helped

 

If nothing in this thread will help you and you will continue on your path to depression and you'll choose suicide, then know few things:
If you're christian or any other religion that belives in afterlife, then at least you can have a thing that you'll hope of getting to after you die.
If you're an atheist then after you'll die you know you won't be able to feel sad, angry, lonely, or any emetion really, becouse you'll stop exsisting.
And if you choose to end your life, do it the least painful way possible. Don't drink bleach, don't hang yourself from a short height, I would say don't even cut your wrists or OD, and if you're going to jump, jump from far enough distance to die or you're going to have slow and agonising death, and even then I wouldn't recommend jumping as most people regret it after they jump. Possible the best way of suicide is shooting yourself, or having your neck snapped by a rope.
Also do not take revenge on others, they might have hurt you but, you hurting them will make you the exact same people that drove you to killing them. I'm not saying you're some psychopath like Elliot Rodgers but I thought I'd better say it just to be sure.
This post isn't meant to be encourgment for suicide. It's meant to be help if there are no more options.
But hey maybe reading all this will make you stay away from suicide.

 

Like I said, most suicidal people don't want to die. They just want the pain to stop.