Bullshit Your Way To Victory

I blackmail Salted to set the weather to a month of rain. A month later, the city is flooded, drowning everyone. I then just waltz in and use Mardeknius 's cloning machine to repopulate the city

 

During my brief time as leader of the city, I installed rocket engines on the underside of the city. I now activate them, launching the city into space, where all of your clones suffocate due to lack of oxygen. I then repopulate the city using the cloning machines, after checking to make sure none of them were tampered with, and ensure none of the clones need oxygen using the power of genetic engineering.

 

(spot the two/three book references)

A hooded figure walks into the city. Twin magenta lights flash beneath its hood. It strides towards the center of the city, the dragon symbol flapping in artificial wind. It looks up at the bright, glittering stars, its hood falling off. Cold, alien light bathes his face, and a wry smile splits it in two. Then it flips the hood back on its head and continues walking. At the exact geometric center of the city is a single hair, fluttering and floating in an invisible wind none but itself can feel. The figure reaches out a slender hand, and grasps the auburn hair - no, strand of fur - between its thumb and forefinger. Instantly, it stills. The figure strokes it lightly with its other finger, then pockets it.

He turns around, and walks out the way he came. No imprints are made on the soft moon dust he glides upon. He ascends a steep hill outside the city, carried by Doomed's rocket engines. As the slice of Earth hurtles wildly around the Earth it was once a part of, a terrible shaft of gold burns through the gloom, outshining with a single blaze all the hysteric electric lights, he holds up the strand of fur to the Sun, and it wraps it all round with golden rays, embracing it, accepting it. A small corgi puppy, barking slightly, forms from that single hair, suspended by gilded flames, then drops into the figure's welcoming arms. The corgi gives the figure a slobbering kiss, and he smiles, petting the corgi's head.

Then, suddenly, a great wind, spurred on by who-knows-what, ghosts through the city-plate, sending moon dust a-whirling into the shapes of angel-wraiths, and as a head of dust glides past, siloheutted in beautiful detail by the blazing rays of the sun, the figure and corgi vanish from view, carried amid the detritus of stars to the fate of the Muses.

 

literally what?


I drink a water breathing potion. Unlike the name would convince you to think, it would allow me to breath in the empty vacuum of space. I then proceed to brib- I mean convince one of your clones to betray you. Since they all look the same you have no idea who it is.

 

*takes out shotgun*
It's hunting season.

While your little thaumaturgical stunt is poetic, it, unfortunately, fails to take one key detail into account.
The Muses are all locked in little jars in my basement.
That was their true fate.
The Corgi and this figure find themselves in small, impenetrable glass jars. Unfortunately, due to a small flaw in the Complete Reset resulting from the Corgi's absurd power, this particular room is trapped in a time loop. If the corgi were to leave the room, or utilize any of its powers within the room - OR, due to this Corgi now being in this room, if ANY Corgi, any COPY of any Corgi, any CLONE or anything of that nature utilizes any power, it would create a paradox which would destroy Everything.




and also interfere with canon uzbrpg lore



Due to this existential threat, Toucanus and I - saviours that we are - wipe out all remaining Corgis from the face of the planet. There are now no Corgis in existence, and Corgis as a whole have gone extinct.

*this room that the Corgi is in is metaspatial. Any method by which the Corgi leaves the room - even if it is through transporting itself to some heavenly plane, or transporting just its soul - is considered "leaving", and will make some Very Bad Things happen.

With that FINALLY out of the way, I sell all my newly-acquired corgi meat. I convert the money that I got from that into coins, which leads to the entire world being completely drained of all metal, due to my owning it. I then build a really big space station thing, and move the City there. I own the space station; I own the city.

 

I, after years of waiting, finally shapeshift OUT of my disguise, a rock that is indestructible and causes random explosions whenever contacted, and Into my TRUE FORM as a guy in a green jumper and jorts, I request an audience with the emperor Mardeknius, and tell him that not only Have I been the rock unwittingly planted by etherweaver, this is only a small fraction of my true power, and I have been working for millenia to resurrect the Corgi race, genetically modified and cybernetically enhanced, and completely and utterly loyal to ME

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Cede the city or we attack and end you, trapping you in the very same hyperspatial paradox box you trapped them in all these years, and with you will be everyone you ever hurt, holding devices of torture.

 

Hah! You fool! The emperor resists capture, and is tossed in a box, but she was not the real Mardeknius - she was but a clone of mine.
Unfortunately, when you call upon your Corgi army, you realize something.
You made that army hundreds of years ago, and the Total Reset of Everything was but a week ago.
Your army was completely decanonized, along with all other relics from that forgotten time.
I summon an army of twitter users, furious at you for accidentally misgendering me, and they cart you off to an island surrounded by sharks. These sharks are my pets, and do as I say. I then reclaim the city.

 

I am the master of relative time distortion. It is millenia from my perspective but only a week from yours. Unfortunately, you made one quite FATAL mistake. Your army, upon hearing what you just said, turns on you, screaming "ITS CALLED X" You have deadnamed your own allies. They feed you to the sharks and bring out the clone. After a experienced 20 millenia in slowtime in my box, being tortured, Markcloneius is brainwashed and completely loyal to me. I reinstall markcloneius as emperor, and nobody knows anything changed, thinking it is you, but actually it is a puppet government. EZ dubs

 

(

)

I'm fed to the sharks, but, unfortunately, this doesn't really do anything, as I've separated my brain into little chunks and scattered them throughout my body. When I get eaten by sharks, there are now numerous still-fully-alive bits of me inside various sharks. I then move around in particular ways to make the sharks ram into one another, which they do so hard that they vomit out my chunks and I reassemble myself. I destroy X and all its users (probably for the best, anyway), and I march in with my army of clouds. The clouds drown any guard that they want to by just going on them and then they can't breathe because clouds are mostly water or something I think, and we kill Markcloneius and I take the throne.

 

Unbeknownst to you, 1/100000 of the worlds coffers are now being siphoned to me constantly. I resign to live in the town in a life of luxury, and build a skysraper with a penthouse overlooking your throne. You are still in charge or whatever, but I stand over you superiorily and act like I am better than you. I do not try to take the city, just stand over you haughtily.

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Also Relative SlowTime means that I can escape Total Reset with all things happening since then

 

your relative slow time thing was also decanonized, alongside the rest of the events of this thread. it did not happen.

anyway, I continue on, pretending not to care even if a do a tiny bit

 

I mean I have never posted since yesterday so my "slow time" thing is new and completely canon, by dint of my currently establishing it. I NEVER had this power BEFORE the reset but I got it in an accident involving a desktop particle accelerator and a baboon, 3 days ago, and have been training and honing my skills in slowtime since, leading to complete mastery, while this being since the reset. Anyway every so often my messenger pigeons poop on your head during important meetings. Nobody says anything about it but they are surely laughing behind your back. You should probably stop trusting them...

 

Huh, turns out mutated turtle shells work quite well at protecting people. At the cost of being knocked out for 10 days.

What did I miss?

Well, I go to the north pole (as a polar bear, obviously) to hide from something -- I don't remember what at this point -- and a conveniently large mushroom grows in the city, upending buildings and and injuring many.

 

one thing you missed is that I was the exploding rock. Now i am trying to passive aggressively annoy Mardeknius By casually oneupping them

 

You mean the one that would have blown me to smithereens if I hadn't had a handy-dandy mutated turtle shell?

I mentioned that in the post.

 

why are you doing this
I still have the city but my reputation is ruined and the city is slowly collapsing in on itself
whispers of revolution fill the streets, and the incompetent bumbling leader is mocked to no end

 

hi, station here. just have a question for you.
what.

 

I sit atop my ivory tower. I play Wynncraft all day, while you have to do politics. Don't you wish you could just stop all the labour and rest? I hear they are adding Fruma tomorrow, but you have better things to do...

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my psychological torment is getting to mardeknius, thats what

 

station. psychological warfare is normally illegal, but okay.
(this is my role now. i comment on people's actions)

 

Can’t wait to go criticize them for their violation of the law right after I throw away another universe’s worth of innocent civilians trying to resurrect a single dog