Bullshit Your Way To Victory

Uh-oh! That hammer was actually made by Egbert, so, unfortunately, it shatters on impact.
Silly Egbert, making hammers out of inadequate material.
The clone has been sent.

 

I use my telepathic powers to convince the clone to give the cassette to me, instead.

 

Luckily, I was actually using my super special version of the comically-large hammer made by Thor!

 

Thor? I think you mean Egbert. You see, Egbert actually ran a centuries-long con to convince the world that he was the god of thunder or whatever when in fact he wasn't
he killed the real Thor a while ago, and took his place as an impostor
so like
sorry about your hammer

my man the clone is in the future
there is no clone to give you the cassette
literally nothing happens

 

Thor is my code name.

 

yeah but my telepathy transcends time and space
and I can create time portals

 

You get the cassette tape, but . . . oh no! What's this? It's been heavily damaged! In fact, it's been rendered completely useless (I wonder by whom). Not just that, but when you hold it, it sucks up your time-warping powers, before combusting.

Egbert sues you for impersonating him (he's still the Thor that made the hammer, even if that also happens to be your name). You hire a really good lawyer, but the lawyer you hired was Egbert himself! He fumbles your case, and you are thrown in federal prison.

 

I use my power to transform myself into any animal (or hybrid of animals) that I want. I turn into a bat-chameleon. (Essentially a bat with color-changing.) Since I don't even need to keep my eyes open to see and I can fly, escape to outside the country. Joseph and Egbert get into a fight. (Remember I have Joseph on my side!) Joseph wins and its safe for me to come back and with Joseph's help I take the city.

 

i put you on the ground and glue you there so you can't move just before you enter the city

 

He wins, but he doesn’t kill Egbert. Also, who’s Joseph again??
Now that you’re stuck to the ground, Toucanus holds you hostage with an army of toucans, and, being such a good friend, Joseph relinquishes ownership of the city to me rather than see you die.

 

Joseph is the CORGI!
Joseph uses his good-boyness to zap Toucanus into thousands of pieces, on accounts of "being mean". Joseph helps me retake the city.

________________________________

I'm still invisible at the time of that.

 

*takes off glasses*
*massages temple*


. . . alright, fine.
I've, for as long as this damn thread has been going, avoided using anything "all-powerful". Toucanus is just some guy who makes toucans, Egbert is just a funny plot device that messes with everyones' plans, even the cassette can be stolen.
But this goddamn corgi is back
I thought I had gotten rid of it for good
but no
it's back
so Fine. Fine. fine fine FINE
if YOU'RE going to have an immortal, undefeatable, omnipotent terrible little space creature, THEN I AM TOO

FROM THE DEPTHS OF THE EARTH, THE TOMB IN WHICH IT WAS BURIED TWELVE THOUSAND YEARS AGO, A TREMOR OCCURS.
The ground shaking below you and the city violently - it must be an earthquake, for nothing else could cause this much rampant destruction. Buildings collapse on themselves, fall into crevasses; wounds torn straight through the earth itself. Finally, eventually, with a sound that makes the gods above tremble in fear, the Earth gives a terrible groan as it emits a single Humuhumunukunukuapua`a.
His name
is Jared.

Jared decanonizes Joseph, on account of "making the game unfun by effectively bypassing the 'you can't just say 'I take the city' rule'". Joseph is no more, Joseph can never be again, and Joseph never was.
He then turns all of the denizens of the city to stone with a single glance, and they all turn subsequently to dust.
Unfortunately, you were one of said denizens, and are now dead.
Joseph, finding his form as a Humuhumunukunukuapua`a rather inconvenient, decapitates Egbert and melds himself to where Egbert's head once was. He then, with a single flick of his wrist, shatters every artifact that has been created throughout the course of this thread - no physical objects that previously existed remain. He sews back the wounds in the earth with naught but a thought, and breaths life back into all the city's denizens, forming for them new bodies in his image (all the people now have fish heads) - these are all utterly loyal to him, and, as such, are loyal to me - his puppet.
I now have the city.
Your corgi is gone.

 

A few months ago, Egbert, having experience in hijacking time machines, messed up a particular wizard’s fate rewriting device. Notably, his fingers slipped on the keyboard and typed the name “Joseph,” who was bound to be erased out of existence, as “Jared.”
And thus,

Joseph decanonizes Jared. Jared is no more, Jared can never be again, and Jared never was.
He then turns all of the denizens of the city to beams of heavenly light with a single glance, and they all turn subsequently, having been enlightened, vanish from existence.
Unfortunately, you were one of said denizens, and are now technically dead.
He then, with a single flick of his paw, shatters every artifact that has been created throughout the course of this thread - no physical objects that previously existed remain, and in fact, after Egbert did a few more time shenanigans, ever existed. He sews back the wounds in the earth with naught but a thought, and breaths life back into all the city's denizens, forming for them new bodies in his image (all the people now have dog heads) - these are all utterly loyal to him, and, as such, are loyal to me - his puppet.
I now have the city.
Your Humuhumunukunukuapua is gone.

 

Egbert did time shenanigans, that he did.
Unfortunately, those time shenanigans involved the undoing of my previous post. Joseph never was decanonized - it can be shown right here. However, this means that we once again have two Josephs. They meet one another, and the entire universe is destroyed.

wait
what's that
there's a group of people in the distance
is that . . . the Time And Space S.W.A.T team from last bs-your-way-to-victory thread way back in 2021? It sure does look like it!

The Time And Space S.W.A.T team aren't too happy with your destroying the universe, as well as your blatant plagarism of my post. As such, they rewind time to back before Egbert made his typo, they then fix his typo, and imprison him in a prison of their own design built by them (that Egbert cannot and does not escape until the city collapses, at which point he is promptly decapitated by Jared). This results in the corgi being decanonized, and fate resumes its normal path. They then lock you in a time-warp prison THAT EGBERT HAD NO HAND IN BUILDING OR DESIGNING OR ANYTHING THAT WOULD AFFECT ITS CAPABILITIES, in which every attempt at escape just sends you back to where you were before.

 

After the Time and Space SWAT team capture Egbert and imprison him, they return to their metaphysical headquarters and take off their visors, revealing the faces of…Egbert.
As it turns out, Egbert additionally manipulated the fate rewriting device to clone himself infinitely and set up the creation of the Time and Space SWAT team itself, gaining control of it completely and eventually fix their predecessor’s mistakes that would lead to the corgi’s downfall. The Egberts now finish the job by manipulating the timeline and winding it back to the days of the first corgi god-emperor, when both you and I were trapped in a state of perpetual nonexistence. The squad of Egberts, blessed by the corgi’s reality-altering powers, now tear a hole in the fourth wall and prevent the Wynncraft Forums user Mardeknius from ever trying to do any sort of harm to the corgi again, whether indirectly or directly.

 

Egberts tear a hole in the fourth wall?

you fool you just sent Egberts to do your job for you
now you must suffer the consequences

Unfortunately, the Egberts fail utterly at their job - they tie spacetime itself in a knot, leaving themselves, you, and the corgi stuck in an infinite time loop. Anything you do is reverted immediately afterward, as time resets itself and you go back to where you were before.
Egbert is not very good at doing things now is he

Jared glances at the black hole that trapped us in a state of nonexistence, and it shrivels up in fear and implodes, releasing us both - unfortunately, we are released into the infinite-loop timeline, from which not even the Time and Space S.W.A.T. team can escape from. The corgi tries escaping every way possible, but every time he's sent back to the time loop. Anything he tries to do now is something he's already done, which has been shown to fail. Jared, however, being More Powerful Than The Corgi, simply fashions a universe of his own creation, and takes me and him to that universe. Together, we build a new city (the time loop accidentally destroyed the city in the time loop), and rule over it, together, with an army of immortal penguins transported in from the previous BS-your-way-to-victory thread
Since the Corgi's infinite escape plans involved numerous Egbert-related things, all Egberts possible are now also trapped in this inescapable time loop.

 

Unfortunately for you, objective is to take the city, not a city. The city is at a fixed place in spacetime, and even in ruin, the corgi rebuilds it. Though it and I, as its advisor, are trapped, at the time, we are still in power nonetheless, and thus have been controlling the city. Neither you nor Jared have any knowledge of this whatsoever.

 

I sign a pact with Etherweaver and the Corgi. If I fix everything, they will give me the city. I transform into a time sheep allowing me to control space-time itself, although I can only do so while in a time loop. I un-time loop the city, and transform myself into a Humuhumunukunukuapua, which allows me to destroy the other Humuhumunukunukuapua. However, since a creature known as the Humuhumunukunukuapua no longer exists, and I can only change myself into animals that do exist, my-self destruct button goes off automatically, and I cease to have a physical form. Being transcendent, I can now phase through all the snow globe layers of the universe. There I create the Cosmically-Large Hammer. Seeing as my new hammer is no longer rainbow, it WAS NOT made by Egbert. I use the power of the Cosmically-Large Hammer to create a new physical existence that is a carbon copy of my old one--minus the self-destruct button. Now I own the outermost snow globe layer of the universe.

 

Corgi already tried making a pact with you, that didn’t work
try again
this post has been voided, and the events therein retracted

 

Unfortunately, the Egberts accidentally revolt and split the city into three distinct provinces, dissolving it. My city is now the real city, even if yours is rebuilt