Bullshit Your Way To Victory

OH NO WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
WRITERS SEIZE THIS INFIDEL IN THE NAME OF THE HOLY INQUISITION

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I begrudgingly reverse fate so that Mardek does not die. I also retcon the timeline (with the power of “plot-backed excuses”) to erase the City from the Uz universe.

 

imagine not having an extremely convenient retcon device
anyway

I set a charismatic leader up who promises that he can make the peoples' lives better if they revolt with him.
anyway while the fascist dictatorship is being set up . . .

The corgi.
More powerful than Toucanus, than Craig, than anyone who has ever set foot in this thread.

Meet Chet*.

This is Chet. Chet is a total jackass. He shoplifts or whatever.
More importantly, he's a puppy-kicker. He goes up to the Corgi, and gently taps it with his foot.

The Corgi goes flying off into space, never to be seen by anyone ever again with no exceptions.


*Any semblance to any other characters from any famous TV shows is a complete coincidence

 

This is because Joseph gains true invisibility for exposure to the cosmos.
The Corgi returns instantaneously to destroy Chet entirely.

 

AHA!
The Corgi returns IN ORDER to destroy Chet, but NOTHING IN THAT MESSAGE says that the Corgi ACTUALLY destroyed Chet.
Because Chet shot first.
with his foot.
at the Corgi.
which explodes.
and dies.
permenantly.

 

However, as the Corgi was instantaneous, so was the action. Chet no longer exists.
The Corgi has plot armor you cannot comprehend.
The Corgi has plot weapons I cannot comprehend.
The Corgi transcends the thread.
Having transcended the thread, the Corgi is no longer here.
GG

 

Pretty sure that the corgi's dead at this point, so as nothing came up changing that, all corgi related events following this are retroactively nullified as the universe catches up with events.

Also @DesolateDiscord is our blood pact still active?

 

But all is not well just yet. As to transcend, you leave all earthly possessions behind for a higher state of being, the corgi leaves its physical power in the mortal world as it ascends to the spiritual realm. I now take this opportunity to seize the corgi’s power myself, absorbing it into my form. And as the corgi’s innate good clashes with my innate evil, the two opposites meet at a stalemate, leaving me to throw off all moral chains and follow a greater pursuit-the salvation of all through the conquest of the city, at whatever cost it takes.

 

Yes

 

Also while everyone's fighting over the city, I quickly create a fake city and switch it with the city (Notifying DesolateDiscord of course), allowing me to easily take the city with no resistance.

 

Unfortunately for you, the power granted me allows me omniscience. Not deceived, I wipe away your forces with a single bat of my hand, reducing your nanobots to dust and forcing you to flee. The city is now mine.

 

...
The corgi was already dead, so you can't get it's power, so you don't notice my plan.

 

I mean, it did die, but it transcended to a higher plane upon doing so. And besides, even if it died without ascending, I still took its power nonetheless as it had no body to attach itself to.

 

I mean, Desolate's already done that...

 

In the High Realms, the corgi walks towards an iridescent, quivering pool, the only disruption in a smooth, clean, white crystal floor. He looks down at it, and an infinite multitude of visions begin to swirl, each clashing for primacy. A desolate world, gray and dim, a bleary red sun shining through a thick, dirty layer of clouds, thin, leafless stalks with burnt ends stretching halfheartedly. A massive, flickering violet flame in the shape of a wavering city, blue, burning humanoids walking through it. A world with shining crystal towers, a bright yellow sun, green grass, laughter and play, the skies a jigsaw of color.

The corgi barks once, and all these visions flee, to be replaced by the image of a burning city.

This city.

Forces and armies founder about it, fires rage unchecked through the dirty slums of the city, starving children cower from war as their deathly ill mothers shield them with their bodies. And the Warlords, each attempting to hold it in their iron fists, and each iron fist being pried apart by the next. And a champion, who had stolen his latent powers, as he ascended.

The corgi stares down. Was this what he intended? No...

All he had tried to do was to give everyone a better, happier life. But he couldn't. Every attempt he had made, to calm the raging tides, to quench the fires of war, to tame the whirlwinds, had failed. The utter selfishness... the greed... the arrogance in all of these warlords sickened Joseph. Why couldn't they just... understand? Lay down their arms... let peace rule... let the people of the city finally feel joy, feel the stability they had lacked their entire lives, lost, stolen, ransacked by these power-hungry men.

He had tried.

First, he tried to rule the city. But that... that only led to death, to plague, to slaughter, to betrayal, to manipulation. Then he tried to create a new city, a city where people could flee to to have a life. A life free of chaos. Of war. Of destruction. But the city collapsed, destroyed by the sadistic brutes that couldn't even let one person have peace, that couldn't let a neutral city be, its people slaughtered by the tens of thousands in the streets.

He had tried.

The corgi stepped away from the pool, walking towards an empty, blank wall, made of white crystal. The corgi took a deep breath through his wet nose, staring at it, guilt filling his heart. What had he done? He had given his power away to another greed-infested brute, and ascended selfishly, seeking joy for himself while everyone else suffered endlessly under the remorseless, sadistic rage of these warlords.

The corgi looked down at his paws. He couldn't let this happen. If a new city wasn't enough to shield the people of the City of War from death and destruction, maybe a new plane would be able to.

He looked up, back at the wall, determination filling his eyes. He had to change this.

The corgi took another deep breath, stared up at the towering roof of the chamber in which he stood, staring through the skylight, directly at the prismatic suns that blazed over this new realm, and howled once, the great sound filling the room. Immediately, the fabric of reality tore, a rift slicing its way through space. The corgi steps through.

The rift appears atop a mountain, and the corgi steps through, taking what we call a "physical form" once more, but really, just assuming one of its many shapes. He had arrived at dawn, and just as he stepped through, the sun rose above the mountains, the herald of a new age. The corgi barks once, and the armies quiet, their spears and shields lowered, bloody swords falling to the ground, arrows splintering in midair. Men's hearts quail, for Joseph the Corgi, King of all Dogs, had come back.

Etherweaver suddenly clutches at his heart, stumbling and falling to the ground, all strength removed from him. Something had left him... the magical power he had stolen from Joseph had vanished from him, the magical prowess he had once achieved swept away utterly, as if it had never existed at all. Taking the ethereal form of a prismatic wind, the magic swirls back unto Joseph, and his fur turns into a gold-and-silver blaze. Stepping forward, he taps the mountain with his paw once, and it sinks into the earth, the rift now on flat ground. The corgi walks forward into the city, a platinum path forming under his very paws. He walks through the gate, and no man raises a hand to assault him. Once Joseph arrives at the city square, he flings his head upwards, and exhales slightly. A great mound erupts under his paws, lifting him into the air. He howls once, long and great, and a message is imprinted into the minds of every single living being.

If you tire of war, of the shifting sands, if you tire of plague and starvation, if you tire of being pawns under the hands of the great, then follow me. I... I will give you peace.

The corgi barks, and everyone's sicknesses, hurts, and hunger are cured. Those who died in the Siege of the City of Peace are raised once more to life. Joseph the Corgi turns around, walking back towards the rift. At first, no one follows him.

Then two burly soldiers, whose knives were at the other's throats just minutes before, drop them, following the corgi, and apologizing to one another. A family, stepping out from the burning ruins of their house, walk behind them. An old woman, cowering in an alley, stands up tall and straight, mouth wide open, follows the corgi. As if a spell had been broken, thousands, nay, tens of thousands, begin to flock behind the corgi. Soldiers, generals, peasants, nobles, animals, follow him alike. Others stay back, unsure, trembling. But most flood behind the corgi, running behind him towards the rift. The corgi reaches the rift, and then turns around. He barks once again.

The rift will remain open, forever, until the worlds are remade. All who wish to enter it may, but if you do, be forewarned. Your weapons will crumble into nothingness, your magic will become naught, and any instruments of malice will be instantly destroyed. This rift and the realm beyond it cannot be destroyed, blocked, or stopped in any way save by that power which you will all never wield until the Judgments. Yet all those who tire of blade and bone, follow me.

With that, the corgi steps through the rift, and vanishes. With much talking and laughter, everyone steps through the rift, except a few who have stayed behind.

As the first person enters the realms beyond the rift, the realm immediately changes and warps into a chamber filled with almost everything that person could desire. As each person steps through, the realm changes subjectively, being the neo-Paradise subjective to each person and yet all appearances equally real. The rift stays open, and any who wish to leave may go back through it.

As the corgi steps atop a pedestal, he smiles.

Finally.

Peace.

 

"No he didn't," says Bill Jones.

With the Ultimate Powers of Retcon, granted to him by Greknal, God of Plot, Bill Jones undoes everything that the Corgi just did. Furthermore, he locks the Corgi in Toucanus' Prison, which is completely inescapable.

 

Joseph's sheer innocence grants him unbelievable powers, and in terms of power scaling, he is strongerl than both Greknal and Bill Jones due to the power of the pure innocence of a corgi. He strips Greknal and Bill Jones of all their power, retcons their retcon, and everything goes back to happiness. Oh, yeah, and Joseph is best friends with Toucanus, and they both realize it was just a misunderstanding, and Toucanus lets Joseph go.

 

As you have apparently resurrected the corgi with no explanation, you have annoyed the piranha guards, who set things right by once again killing the corgi

 

sorry I don't think you understand the words "completely inescapable"
the piranha guards ctrl+z everything you just said
also
"No he isn't," says Bill Jones.

 

as the corgi resurrected himself by descending from the spiritual plane, what you have just said is invalid. this class of demigod may resurrect themselves at any point after death

sorry i don't think you understand the words "corgi"
your crtl + z is crtl + z'd by the corgi's innocence

 

I think I understand it quite well.
Also, because the Corgi is gone, its innocence can have no effect on events, so your ctrl + z is invalid.
MORE IMPORTANTLY, you didn't even DO a ctrl + z
you did a crtl + z
which is very different
and locks you in a small box guarded by invisible gun-wielding florida men
and gives me control of the city