rank the dungeon bosses based on dateability

what it says on the tin. rank all the wynncraft dungeon bosses based on how dateable you think they are. you do not need to explain your choices if you do not want to. feel free to be as unhinged as you want in your placements and make people as concerned as possible. this isn't a ranking of the dungeons themselves or the boss battles, only the bosses.

please bear in mind this doesn't have to mean you actually want to date the bosses simply just who would be the least horrible to date in your opinion if you had to date any of them.

 

I have sex'd bobs mum

 

I would be Arakadicus' little slut for free TODAY

 

the eye

 

what...

 

Eye is an easy s tier

 

i am fortunately aro

 

oh yeah no same thats why i phrased the question like that

 

Have you HEARD her voice actor?

 

Stand aside, peons. It would seem as though some edification is in order.

Decrepit Sewers
This dungeon's main boss is Witherhead, the charred remains of a woman who died in the Ragni Sewers, later becoming corrupted and being granted new life. It is slightly implied that Witherhead also happens to be Bob's mother (possible milf?), seeing as how her empty tomb is also located within the Ragni Sewers, implying that after a point in time her corpse rose from the grave.
Due to her withering condition it is safe to say that certain activities would be a bit more troublesome to execute, such as:
-Hand-holding: you wouldn't feel any sort of "warmth", and good luck cleaning all the ash left after
-Kissing: a skeleton does not possess lips, your mouth would meet with the scorched osseous matter.
-[???]: she has no organs, how would that even work?
Witherhead would probably have trust issues, seeing how she was left to die. I doubt she gets too much social interaction down in the Decrepit Sewers, so she might also be a bit socially awkward.
We, as the player, have technically freed her from her dungeon during that quest. If instead of going in and murdering her we asked her out on a date there might be hope for a successful pairing.


Infested Pit
Arakadicus is a spider milf. Unlike Witherhead however, she is constantly birthing children, so dating her might be a bit out of limits for some folks.
She has murdered some adventurers in cold blood before, as evidenced by their corpses lying in her nest (possible tsundere?)
Some of her dialogue also implies she might be a bit thirsty: "You look so good, I think I'll have a taste of you myself!"
It is, however, important to note that she says "However, my babies think you look delicious... hehehe..."
So, it would seem like she expresses the act of "eating the player" without any sexual emphasis.
Considering the amount of birthing Arakadicus does it's possible that she'd use you as her sex slave (guess that's where the "Arachne" mobs came from)
You'd be absolutely dry after a few minutes
(oh and btw, Arakadicus may have been only affected by the corruption, not actually corrupted. basically like how the people in the Corrupted Village have not become corrupted, only enraged)


Lost Sanctuary
Garoth was a scientist from Elkurn who walked into the Portal and got corrupted. He now does experiments on different species of mobs.
He's probably mentally ill tbh, might be a bit of a "don't stick your dick in crazy" situation
"Well, looks like I get to finally find out what humans are made of." could also refer to sex if you think hard enough
Garoth is probably pretty smart since y'know, he's a scientist and stuff
he's probably the kinda guy to be a competitive player in a children's game
mentally unstable gamer bf? take that as you will


Underworld Crypt
Charon... we know that he has basically a realm of his own (the one we see in The Dark Descent), and in the end of that quest he ends up "inviting" us to go meet him in his dungeon.
Could he be making the first move??

• ???: So I invite you to continue. I encourage it, even. For if you should foray into my domain...
• ???: There would be simply no chance for you to survive. And then, I will be free to string you up like a lifeless little puppet.
• ???: So take the gem, my little soldier. I eagerly await our next meeting, keheheh...

If this "???" figure is Charon himself there's no way that little conversation isn't referring to hot, intense gay sex
like bro, "little soldier"???, "string you up like a lifeless little puppet."???
Perhaps he'd be the goofy kind of character to invite us into his private little realm for some "netflix and chill"

Sand-Swept Tomb
Hashr was the son of the Desert Empire's Emperor (like a sigma male), who after adventuring through wynn (like a sigma male) and discovering that the world was actually colourful and magic realized he had been lied to by his father. Therefore, he decided to murder him (like a sigma male) and take his scepter (like a sigma male) to try and free the people of the empire (like a sigma male). The scepter was however cursed and basically the whole empire got covered in sand.
The Sand-Swept Tomb is technically Hashr's prison, where he was sealed by the Empire's people.
Interestingly, it would seem as though Hashr is actually a good guy. Through his dialogue he sounds like he's afraid of us, and that he thinks we are there just to slaughter him
I mean... why did we go into that dungeon in the first place, though? (at least lore wise)
I took a quick look at the "Kingdom of Sand" quest and the only reason we try to get into the dungeon is to get some treasure or see the emperor:

• Lanu: Untold treasures are inside the emperor's tomb. But without his weapon, there is no hope of entering.
• Lanu: If you could get it, we could enter the dungeon and seek out the emperor for ourselves.

But after the quest ends the final dialogue literally doesn't say anything about entering the tomb, "Lanu" literally just goes away.
So yeah, we literally just venture into the Sand-Swept Tomb cuz we can and after Hashr sees us slaughter everything he just kinda thinks we're there to kill him

• ???: Why do you take arms against me? I only tried to save my people from my father!
• and after that:
• Hashr: If you insist on ending me, then I'll dispose of you like I did that wretched emperor!

I'll just let you lot form your own opinions about Hashr.

Ice Barrows
Ah yes, after so many contenders we finally reach Theorick.
His character is quite complex, far from one dimensional as one would've initially thought.
He fiercely protected Neesak from the corruption, although he was quite greedy in the aspect that he expected compensation for his actions.
Regardless, he still treated his duty with utmost importance. He was cocky but he ultimately could back it up.
His most impressive stunt was when he tried to freeze the Portal, to try and end the corruption once and for all.
He did end up failing, perhaps because he misjudged his abilities, and began becoming corrupted.
During his last slivers of sanity he decided to completely freeze over Neesak, in an attempt to halt the corruption (which actually worked). After that he locked himself away within the Ice Barrows, hoping that he would never escape and therefore be unable to harm anyone.
Just like Theorick asked you during that vision of the past, you adventure into the dungeon to try and end his suffering. Present day Theorick will warn you to turn back, and assume that you are there to try and cure/set him free. Knowing the chaos he would cause if he were to be let out, Theorick decides to fight you.

I have refrained from talking about any specific "dating" traits because... well... canonically we cannot date Theorick.
As in, even if we didn't kill him after Ice Barrows, the corruption would already be rooted inside his mind for him to still have free will.
Although you could technically just kill Theorick and ""date"" him by the power of necrophilia
Theorick pre-corruption would probably be pretty cool tho
The kind of goofy goober to beat his wife tho
and then legitimately apologise to her and seek therapy

Undergrowth Ruins

• ???: I can sense your life force... it is very powerful. I shall take pleasure in draining it from your body!

Galleon's Graveyard
(crazy stuff but I actually haven't done this dungeon after 2.0, so I'll be talking about the legacy version)
Captain Redbeard is a dead pirate who has a lot of booty, what else can you ask for? You have to shoot him down using cannons, therefore we can assume that he is american (gun violence)
He would probably be a sugar daddy tbh, considering he has a lot of treasure, plus he's apparently also famous. He also seems to have a tendency for innuendos:

• ???: Well shiver me timbers! Some swashbuckler has come to plunder me treasure. But ye'll have to get through me crew and I if you want me booty!
• ???: But if yer really fixin' to get me booty. ye'll have to face me in combat!
• ???: Another filthy Landlubber come to steal 'ma booty?

Fallen Factory
Oh my. Antikythera is the textbook definition of a "tsundere". That though exterior is just a facade for its cute anime girl kawaii personality. That computer definitely uses uwu and owo on a daily basis.
Every time Antikythera tried to brutally slaughter me I couldn't help but blush. "Oh, Antikythera-chan, why must you hurt me this way?"
All its dialogue being in uppercase just screams assertive dommy mommy. Either that or verbal abuse. I cannot tell which is hotter.
Also, I'm pretty sure Antikythera has no gender, but since it's a computer I'm pretty sure it could be whatever you like. Male, female, egg sandwich, freddy fazbear, you name it.
I'll admit, killing Wynnston was a bummer, but if it meant I could get closer to the sexually stimulating computer then I would do anything.
Btw I just realized its entire personality is basically just GLaDOS from Portal.

Eldritch Outlook
This dungeon's boss is The Eye, which technically includes the Dern Beast by extension.
The Dern Beast is probably just another tsundere. Think about it, an all omnipotent god of darkness who tries so hard to hide its feelings from you. Is that not the perfect love story?
The fact that the Dern Beast ripped its eye out shows that it might be into BDSM. Kinky, huh?
If you do end up in a relationship with it just be aware that there's no going back. You cannot break up or else your entire existence will be annihilated.
The Dern Beast might also be affectionate and want a lot of attention, seeing how The Eye constantly requires you to multitask and pay heed to everything else you're dead in 2 seconds.


My job here is done. It may be a thankless service, but I have at least brought enlightenment to the nations.

 

I want to die

 

I am writing this with tears flowing out of my eyes. Tears of joy, that is. This- in all of my time on this planet, this is the best piece of literature that I have ever read. I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for this post has changed me, and it has done so for the better.

I was lost before I read this post on the forums of Wynncraft: The Minecraft MMORPG, but now I have found myself. I have been enlightened. I used to be bitter, hostile, and judgmental to others, but eight minutes ago, when I finished reading this post, I changed my ways. I now see the good in everyone, even those who have wronged me. Life is better now. It is as if everything was in grayscale before that moment and color had just revealed itself to me.

When I turn thirty-five, I want to run for the noble role of President of the United States. I do not want to do this for any moral or political reason, but rather to give you, Epic_Chonker, every award a president can bestow upon someone, for you have truly shaped me as a person more than anyone else has ever shaped me.

Once again, thank you. I can never repay you for how you have helped me in life.

 

hashr has daddy issues CANON.

also garoth is a big lizard man which if my time on the internet tells me anything is probably really attractive to some people *cough cough* scalies *cough cough*

 

I'm sorry
why the hell is Slykaar in D tier

 

I aint tryna get all slimy yk what I mean

 

fair fair

 

I need to make an important distinction here. This tierlist is not "rank the dungeon bosses based on how much you want to have sex with them", it's "based on dateability"
I'll make that tierlist next.

I'm a Slykaar simp; always have been and always will be, what can I say? He loses his shit really easily which I would probably just find endearing were I to be in a relationship with him (woah Mardek cursing no way).

I don't need to defend Antikythera being in S.

Charon just tries to be grandiose and scary and fails miserably which I would just find cute.

Hashr has good dialogue which essentially puts him up there just because he actually sounds vaguely like a person

Witherhead is a sad dead lady why did I put here here

Arakadius . . . just seems toxic. Like, sure, having sex with her would be cool and all I guess, but I don't want to be in a relationship with her.

The Eye is here for one reason and one reason alone
vore

Garoth is just an old angry guy what can I say

Theorick is just emo Dumbledore

Redbeard is an old man

________________________________

I will neither explain nor defend my choices.