Bullshit Your Way To Victory

All of the previous Bullshit Your Way To Victory threads seem to have fallen into the necropost realm, and I had a ton of fun doing this in the summer (was it really eight months ago???), so I'm remaking this my apologies for stealing your thunder hmtn .
I'm afraid I don't have the same... charisma in writing @hmtn has, so this first post will be less flashy, but here goes.

The rules

If this is your first time playing, the rules are pretty straightforward. It's essentially King of the Hill, but with a city. Also, your capture technique has to be complete bullshit, "making an art of dancing on the fine line between plausibility and complete and utter nonsense", as hmtn put it.

If you just yoink The City, no explanation, The City's Elite Anti-Anti-Bullshitter guards will be on you like the unkillable piranha monsters that they are.* You wouldn't want to test your luck, would you?

I certainly wouldn't.

Let's begin. I own the city.

*Note: due to previous attempts at destroying the piranha monsters, they aren't subject to any of the rules of this game, and therefore cannot be destroyed by any means.

**Note 2: due to previous . . . events . . . we've learned that just "It's Omnipotent" is not fun. So, henceforth, no omnipotent things are allowed.

***Note 3: No using the same method of taking the City twice

 

Hey, I've seen this one before!
I use my infinite supply of money that i have due to a glitch i found in the bank system and buy up every peice of land in tthe city, making it mine

 

I cause the owner of the city to play copious amounts of league of legends, causing him to become obese and be unable to move, allowing me to take the city in his stead. I then make this thread return to the 1980s, therefore making every post after this a necropost, so anyone who attempts to take the city will cause the thread to lock.

 

I use a time machine to go back in time to get this thread back to 2022, now I use an army of 100m bees to get the city

 

same!

unfortunately, travelling back to 2022, you picked up a stowaway from a eerily similar city: me from 2017, aka SCP-8244! (https://forums.wynncraft.com/posts/2488278)

btw, 2017 me has a fidget cube that they can reprogram to affect anything and everything
for example, 2017 me presses the marble thingy on one side to expell a metric fuckton of smoke, scattering the bees to the four corners of the earth

then present me strolls in and sits on a park bench or smth and takes a quick powernap

 

I, however, have the Bee Whistle, which calls all bees to myself when I blow it. Those bees then turn into dogs, which all chase their tails and spin in circles so fast, it creates 100 million hurricanes which fly the city to another planet, which I own.

 

I use death star to blow up your planet, now the city is floating in the space and I capture it with my space ship

 

Little did you know, your space ship was full of my spies, who take control of it and fly it into a pocket dimension that I control.

 

except that pocket dimension is sewn into my galactic pair of levi jeans, so you just gave the city to me thx

 

I escape from the pair of jeans with the city, and then I melt the city down and have my giant pet lizard drink it.

 

Unfortunately for your lizard, my goons loaded the city with severals tons of emetics beforehand. This causes your lizard to become violently sick, and barfs the liquified city into my bucket, which I then cryofreeze and store into vats in my gigantic defended fortress in Antarctica.

 

Due to global warming, Antarctica eventually entirely melts, and the city sinks to the bottom of the ocean. I then buy the piece of ocean the city's on.

 

I drain the ocean and buy the land with the thoughrally drenched city on it.

 

I ask politely to own the city as opposed to all the other barbarians on this post

 

I make a new, better city and trade it for the old one

 

After thousands of years, the old city crumbles into nothingness and all that is left is the new city. I then, with my army of 100 million dogs (from earlier), take the city by force. My 100 million dogs then patrol the outside of the city, letting no one go in or out.

 

good thing I have 100 million stereotypical cuts of meat (spawned by scp-8244), which lure the dogs off a conveniently placed cliff.
then I punch you in the face and take a nap on the asphalt

 

I kill you when you sleep and take back the city

 

I bring @pippi~ back using a Lazarus pit and then take control of them using my mind ray which I have now and together we take over the city and then they go back to sleep.

 

shame that SCP-8244 takes control of both of us, gives me back my own control (i go to sleep agane), and takes over the city using you as a puppet leader