Lore/Story Ren's Compendium Of Parables (vol. 1)

Hey, just gonna put some of my short stories here. Feel free to give critiques, or what you think each one means.
(Also, keep in mind some of the stuff is a bit placeholder, some of it is kinda rough as well. Also, this is all effectively set in the same world)

The Pillar of Autumn (No, this is not a reference to Halo, I might rename it at some point)

A Blind Idiot God (Ok, yeah, the name "Jamie" is placeholder, also, bonus points if you know where I got the title)

Unconditional Hatred

Helter And Skelter (How'd I do on the horror in this one?)

A Reckoning (This is prolly the worst one in this collection, but, oh well. How do y'all like the small fight scene?)

Alright, I'll most certainly make more of these. I'll prolly make another "volume" when I make the next five. Or I might move past writing myths, idk, anyways, here ya go

 

Hello!
So I’m reading your first story right now, and I thought I’d put together a list of critiques and whatnot as I read.

DISCLAIMER: All the stuff in quotes is just little variations that sounded better to me as an individual, you do not have to change it if you don’t like it, it’s your creation and your style of writing and I don’t want to infringe or ruin it in any way.
Basically: you can pick and choose what you like from my suggestions if you like any of them and if you don’t like any of them that’s totally ok :)

1. Pillar of Autumn
- “with plains of manicured grass that extended..”
-“This grand pinnacle of architecture was created with fine back veined marble, cut from the very mountains Zeir was known for. Rainbow veins crisscrossed the entire monolithic stretch of the pillar.”
- “Its art was in its size; the polished marble..”
-“polished and shaped to architectural perfection..”
- “so that it may become a shining pillar of human achievement.”
- If it’s “in this day..” would the phrase “there were even workers..” be in present tense? am I being dumb? (probably tbh)
-Devoted=cult? Hmmm requires further investigation
- “by polishing the inside” instead of interior blocks? Or “the interior marble.”
-is heaven capitalized? or is it communist (bad joke I’m sorry)
- rip to the workers who polished the interior tho
- “While some historians..”

In conclusion: I really liked it!!! It was so good!!! The mental image of the fallen pillar was amazing. Really awesome job!!!

if you’d like I can make little suggestions on the other ones, I know I was a little harsh and I am sorry about that, I really do think the story is great though!

Also, what I think it means...
We, as humans, build and create things, and perhaps grow attached to them; believe it perfect, polish it until it is, until we see something we think is better and discard our old creations in favor of new paths and new techniques and new creations. We move on, and maybe we forget, but our old creations always lie in the roots of our new ones, and we will always, deep down, have an appreciation for what we first made despite whatever flaws it may have, because it sparked our next creations .
Or something idk I’m probably wayyyy off.

Again, sorry for the long reply and again, I’m sorry if I’m too harsh I truly don’t mean to be.

 

No, not harsh at all! Thank you for the critiques c:

Wow, thank you for going through all the effort to polish some of my sentences. I’ll definitely take a look at those sentences. And I’d love suggestions on the other ones too (only if you feel like it though), your critiques aren’t harsh at all, don’t worry about it. I go to a weekly writer’s circle where my pieces are torn apart, so I’m no stranger to critique.

Thanks, I’m really glad you liked it!

And, that is a perfectly rational meaning for the work. I am hesitant to share the meaning I get from it, since I think an important aspect of artwork is that it is universal, and sharing what I think might make others less able to delve into the art themselves. I love the meaning you got from it, i love hearing different peoples perceptions of my stories. And I think that is a beautiful lesson to learn.

Nah, I enjoyed the long response, and it wasn’t harsh at all ;). Thank you so much!!!

 

Glad I wasn't too harsh! And yeah, I'm glad to, the stories are really good!
I totally get it, with the meaning stuff. Art is totally subjective and all that. :)

So again, I just want to say that all my critiques are purely subjective, so you can totally pick and chose which ones you like, or which ones you don't. (In which case I won't be offended, no worries :) ) You can take parts, or build off of what I said, whatever you wanna do with them basically!

Also the title does sound familiar but I don't know why...

2. The Blind Idiot God
-"His voice echoed that of a thousand voices, which somehow blended into a single, unified, commanding tone."
-"..as it moved; male, female..."
-"But all, all the faces, they all had...."
-"One of them, the fear of death: the other, fear of judgement. He knew, somehow, deep inside, that the waters of Narsithia would obliterate him. He also knew, that for some unknown reason, God held him in high regard, and despite never being a wholly religious man, he nevertheless wanted desperately to please this being before him."
-"...God nodded towards the pool, its face and its clothes shifting mesmerizingly as it moved."
-"His eyes wandered across the surface of the water, but before..."
-"of an alien God, one with a crown..."

This is was sooo good!!! I really liked it, especially the description of the stained blindfold. (Perhaps a metaphor to how it can be an omniscient God, have the face of many and the voice of all and still know nothing? Hmmmm.)
The burning shadow? Beautiful. The entire ending line? Amazing.

As for the meaning...
To me, the meaning feels like life is nothing without suffering, because without suffering how do we discern joy? Happiness? Without suffering or pain, how are we certain we are human?

I'd be happy to write out my suggestions on the other ones as well!

 

Alright! Sorry for the delay, but here goes!

As usual, feel free to take or disregard changes, it's all up to you, etc. :)

3. Unconditional Hatred

-"but this time she came with a purpose, ..."
- oh my god it's the alien God from the last one isn't it??

I really liked this one! I especially loved all the different answers from all the different gods, and how they were all true in their own way.

The meaning...
Love is subjective and comes in many different forms, I suppose is the meaning I found, although Moelech taking the crown and Crenellae's words before she did make me think another type is seeing all the bad things in something/someone and loving them despite that, or loving them despite the negative emotions you feel. Honestly not to sure about my last interpretation, but Crenellae's mention of understanding the true nature of love and how Moelech reacted to the crown made me think that. :)




4. Helter and Skelter

- "It looked weak, and he'd never heard of..."
- "He figured he could just kill the monster if he guessed wrong anyways, as he towered over the creature, even sitting down."
- "monsters could form in the thousands in a matter of days, and even entire worlds..."
- "For, it was only fair.." Here you could either take out 'for' entirely or remove the comma. If you take either suggestion I'd advise putting a comma after 'fair'.
- "You know, I used to be a creature..."

Wow, that was great! The descriptions were fantastic, and the story of the sisters was great!

The meaning, I suppose... for the sisters, don't let greed blind you, or dictate your motives because it never ends well. For Pelius, his story does sort of follow the same track: he wants loot, and takes a deal that he really, really shouldn't have.


5. A Reckoning

- "Oh you know nothing of that language, child."
- "You remember my first near-death experience, right?" You can also you, 'do you not?' in the place of 'right'.
- "Goodbye. I wish you luck in your rest."
- "I'm sorry brother. I'm truly sorry." You can also say for the second part, 'I am truly sorry.' or 'I'm truly, truly sorry.'

That was so good! The revelation at the end was amazingly done, good job!

The meaning could be you only live once, and you should live for yourself because life could be over before you have the chance to enjoy it.

Thank you for sharing the stories, I really liked reading them! :)

 

i'll read this at some point just posting for lulz

 

Pillars of Autumn: That moment when the update comes and suddenly levels are ten times easier to get. You: spends 2000 hours to reach lvl 100 earlier and then after the update people reach lvl 100 in 200 hours. RIP

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SPOILER:
Also A Reckoning is totally about Siegfried and Qira. (not that that's a spoiler)

 

Thanks for all the critiques and stuff!!!

HMTN already guessed the reference, here's a hint

Spoiler

It's lovecraftian

Honestly, one of the cool things about art is that nothing is unintentional. To me, writing the blindfold part, I did not have any specific meaning in mind, but it probably became symbolic just because of the way I was thinking about the god.

Thank ya very much :)

That's a really cool meaning. I love the idea of accepting the harsh truths of the universe (in fact, that's what inspired me to write most of these parables). But yeah, suffering indeed needs more credit than it gets. Suffering is the brutal knife that cuts humans apart so that they may be made into more than just the sum of their parts.

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I apologize for the delay as well, lol

Maaaaybe, depending on the god you're talking about c:

Yeah, I enjoyed writing all the responses from the gods

Very cool :)
The idea of unconditional hatred is perhaps my favorite concept in all of my writing so far. This idea will definitely be expanded on later. Also, I wouldn't take the comments of each god at face value (not saying you have), they are representation of ideas, their words do not always reflect what is true, just a form of truth

Thanks for your insights!

I loved writing both the story and the meta story. And that's a cool meaning you got from it!
My favorite part of writing that story were the descriptions of the creature, lol

Thanks! I had a hard time writing it without revealing anything xD

This is a lesson I am glad I have learned, from my English teacher. He taught me that your life is either a statement or an apology, and you don't want it to be an apology

I'm glad!!!
Your comments and stuff made me really happy, thank you so much!!!

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Lol, a fair interpretation of Pillar of Autumn

Uhhh, these stories aren't inherently wynn related, but don't let that stop you, lol

 

Ohhh I don't read much horror, I'll have to check out his work then!

I agree in the way that suffering does make us who we are, (very nicely put btw) but I don't want to give it too much credit. Suffering allows us to appreciate when we're happy, I think, and not take it for granted so much, but needless suffering is just, well, needless. People don't have to suffer to be happy, or to appreciate happiness, or become stronger, or better or whatever.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, suffering is something that is horrible, no doubt, but at the end of the day, at least for me, when you get through it, it makes you appreciate the peaceful and happy moments more.
i feel like I illustrated my thoughts poorly, ah well, that's the best way I can put them as of now

The one with the 'burden of horrors across his shoulders' (awesome quote btw) that one! At the end of the second story!

They were so good! I always have trouble with descriptions, I don't know how you do it.

I know what you mean, every time I write a story with a twist ending I either rush the story to the ending or end up telling someone out of excitement and never finish it. :)

That is a very good lesson, although unfortunately one easier said than done.

Of course! I meant it, they're really good!

Have an awesome day/night! :)

 

im late but i don't care

intriguing story, i enjoyed reading it. this story feels introductory but it also closes itself pretty nicely, so i imagine this to be a standalone passage (kinda like lore entries as opposed to novel chapters).

word choices are pretty grandiose (if this isn't your intention, then it's probably oversophisticated). some lines were pretty pog but you do occasionally fall back on stuff you've used before, so it's not as engaging on that front.

storywise it does a pretty poor job of orienting the reader correctly, since it assumes prior knowledge about the world being narrated. what is Content, for example? it's not nice to slap names that a reader would be unfamiliar with, like Faxlem (the other ones were integrated well though).

there's a lot of overrepetition so it has a big "Pillar this Pillar that" vibe to it. if you had the time/effort to address this you could try to reword some sentences so that they don't have to refer to the Pillar explicitly, even if they directly pertain to it.

lastly, i feel that it lacks that "show don't tell" factor to it. most stories convey key themes by demonstrating them so that the reader can infer them, but this one kind of asserts insights that the reader is expected to believe, like how the towers have meaning. this isn't really a big deal if the story is intended the way i imagined, but for a proper narrative it kind of defeats the significance of your ideas.

with that said, here's a rewrite that i made of your short story. i try to preserve the ideas of the original but i apologise if i killed off something important whilst running my edits.

sorry for pinging you but i think this is a really nice interpretation of the text.

extending from this interpretation, it's also poignant that by resembling our original creations, the successors of our creations inherently carry with them our ideas, and thus our legacies are eternally reincarnated through the characteristics of those that replace them. and as the ideas of each individual accumulate, the world seems to grow increasingly wise, increasingly complex, and thus increasingly revereable.

i didn't bother touching on the symbolic significance of the heavens yet so i'm probably missing the full picture but i think the conclusion i draw has enough gamer points for now.




i'll probably read/address the others on this thread eventually, i figured i'd do this one at a time.

 

Hey no prob, thank you! :)

 

Im glad you liked it!!!
And yeah, it was inspired by grimoire cards in Destiny, and KSBD lore

Thanks for the critique, and yeah, I’m fine with it being a little bit grandiose

Honestly I’m fine with Faxlem being poorly introduced, I don’t want to give too much away on her in that story necessarily. But yeah, I think I kinda slapped some names in there. Like Content, and The Devoted, thanks for critiquing ;)

Thankee sah

A lot of people have given me that critique actually. Also, for this particular story I think it also suffered from me not deciding who the Narrator was. It kinda flops between being an omniscient narrator, and the voice of a historian. Thanks very much, I intend to keep improving on this.

Wow, thank you so much!!! I didn’t think anyone would actually go through the trouble to do this, but that’s awesome. I read through it and it looks good, I’d prolly tweak one or two lines, but you cleaned up my writing very nicely :)

Enough gamer points indeed
I love seeing different people’s perspectives on my stories, and that is a beautiful interpretation.

Sounds great :)

(Also, sorry this is late too, lol, I wanted to put effort into a response, lol, thank ya very much for critiques and insights!)