E Big Gay

Dad, is Santa real?
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the ! ! sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousands tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Merry Christmas

 

What...what did Santa do to you?

 

I’m dead

 

Eww a Santa denier. Where else do you think all the presents come from? Santa can do all of this because he has the power the Christmas Spirit and science can’t do anything to stop him. Stop denying his existence by believing in your faulty science and math and accept the facts. Santa is real.

 

Were you abused as a child or something holy shit

 

Would this turn Santa into a black hole by any chance?

 

4 million pounds of force seems a bit low to turn someone into a black hole

 

All you need for a black hole is a huge density, so if the acceleration of the sleigh squishes Santa thin enough it might just be possible

 

Not entirely sure what response you guys expect but... I'm going to milk the cow whilst I can

As a figment of Western Culture, and the epitome of holiday spending, a human construct of time regarding to the absence of responsibility, I despise Santa. Now, I could say that it would be his throaty chuckle, but that would be too simplistic. It would have to be something to do with the mind. The ego. Perhaps specifically the overriding urge for a sense of superiority, stemming from long suppressed rage, in a man that shouldn't be man.

So anyways, to answer your questions.

It came as a product of free time and a deep loathing of all that is good and holy. And a little sprinkle of fermented sugar.

 

Do i have your permission to put this on r/copypasta?

 

So what's delivering the presents? Evolution??? Stop wasting your time trying to disprove Santa and just accept that he's real.

 

sure, can you just leave a link to this forum post at the bottom?

 

Alright, I'll do that. Thank you!

Edit: here it is https://www.reddit.com/r/copypasta/comments/igec9t/shitpost_on_a_forum_not_mine/