2019-2020 Nfl Playoffs

"Ah fuck. This idoits back again."

Ah yes, indeed I am. This time with the No Fun League! I'm still and recovering from watching that last 49ers game, so bear with me here.

As always we will start off with a look at the 11 teams that will fail and be laughed at and the 1 team that will go all the way and recieve no recognition because I'm a dick and being sadistic is more fun.

AFC
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Spoiler: AFC Contestants

1st seed, Baltimore Ravens 14-2
I was one of the many people to severely doubt Lamar Jackson coming into the season, but he kept his promise to improve as a passer (and not losing his step as a runner) and blew away the entire NFL likely on his way to MVP honors. That combined with a solid running game outside of Lamar and a solid defense leads to the best record in the NFL and Superbowl picks from many.

2nd seed, Kansas City Chiefs 12-4
After a shaky start to the season the Chiefs did... something to suddenly not suck? After starting the season 6-4 and looking mediocre at best their defense decided to play like a half respectable unit and ride a 6 game win streak to end the year as a result. Also Patty Mahomes has been on and off hurt all year, keep and eye on that.

3rd seed, New England Patriots 12-4
The Patriots have looked like shit offensively all year, so at week 16 I decided to do a stupid thing and "officially" count them out of Superbowl contention; which as a result meant we where stricken with the Patriots Curse and they looked like a real team for the firdt time since week 1. So after all of that I decided to rescind my claim and hail them as the Superbowl frontrunners and..... they lost to the Dolphins. Yes. The fucking Dolphins. Losing a 1st round bye (for the first time this decade btw) in the process. Pray they don't decide to show up again

4th seed, Houston Texans 10-6
A team loaded with talented players held back by a rather inept secondary and a certain shitty headcoach leaves them as a go-to pick for an easy one-and-done, but wait fuck that JJ Watt is coming back to kick ass for the next month, all is well in Houston.

5th seed, Buffalo Bills 10-6
The Bills have made it back to the playoffs for the 2nd time in 3 years... or 2 decades depending on how you want to look at it. They've made it here on a suffocating defense and an offense that is very effective at getting getting their usually shitty play bailed out by said suffocating defense.

6th seed, Tennessee Titans 9-7
Huh, who knew Ryan Tannahill would be so good once he stopped getting injured and got the fuck out of Miami. After an ugly 2-4 start the Titans finally decided to bench Marcus Mariota in favor of their new savior. Along the way they proceeded to not play like shit, finish 7-3 and complement Derrick Henry being a fucking beast.

NFC
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Spoiler: NFC Contestants

1st seed, San Francisco 49ers 13-3
Fucking yes. After five brutal years of bad coach hirings, trading away stars for no reason, abrupt retirements from the other star players and horrible injuries my boys have finally decided to end my pain. Riding a suffocating defense that was among the best early on, a very solid running game and an equally solid passing game later down the line my 9ers shocked the NFL in a year noone saw coming. Seriously, find one person on this planet that expected SF to get No.1 seed. The problem of injuries still looms large however, as they filled the IR, which may have to be extended a few thousand slots to account for all the fands they gave cardiac arrest this week, with player, after player, after player. Not to mention a bunch of others missing time causing our defense to regress throughout the year, but we should get most of them back thanks to the first round bye.

2nd seed, Green Bay Packers 13-3
The Fraud Bay Packers enter the postseason with a bye gifted to them from tiebreaker bullshit. This team is... interesting. On the outside that 13-3 looks hot, but as you dig deeper... you find problems. Aaron Rodgers regressing, a team that cant close out games for the life of them and can't even stay competitive in games against real teams, See losing to the 49ers 37-8.

3rd Seed, New Orleans Saints 13-3
That feeling when you're 13-3 and you don't even get a bye ):. RIP. Thanks to tiebreaker bs the Saints don't get a 2nd seed that... let's be real they totally deserve. All in all it probs won't matter as the Saints will probs steamroll to the NFC Championship regardless.

4th seed, Philadelphia Eagles 9-7
Easily the worst team in the playoffs not to mention the NFC, they have the worst record in the conference but get a free 4th seed because they won a shit division. Maybe one day the NFL will fix this bullshit, but probably not. As for the actual Iggles... these guys are fucked. Injured to shit in a way do bad the 49ers would want no part in it, they showed spirit through that last 4 game stretch which makes me think that if they where healthy they made be able to do something here.

5th seed, Seattle Seahawks 11-5
The Seacocks are kinda like the Packers, aa in they can't just shut down shitty teams *cough 21-20 vs the 2-14 Bengals* but the differense between tham and Green Bay is they can actually compete with real teams. But their afformentioned innability to take controll of a game will likely end up costing them.

6th seed, Minnesota Vikings 10-6
Earlier in the year I thought the Vikings had a legitamate chance at competing for a Superbowl, Kirk Cousins was playing like a Pro Bowler, Dalvin Cook was a beast and all around they where just a solid team. And then in week 16 they played the Packers and got absolutely smoked, and I immediatly lost all confidence.

Well now that all of that bullshit is out of the way let's get into some predictions

AFC Wildcard Round
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6 Tennessee Titans
@
3 New England Patriots
Because of my jinxing of the Pats over the past 2 weeks I have decided to pick them in this game, heres the plan:
Step one: Pick the Patriots to win.
Step two: They lose as a result.
Step three: You're welcome America.

Prediction: New England

5 Buffalo Bills
@
4 Houston Texans

JJ Watts return will mean little, as Houston as all of it's flaws exposed by a young and eager Bills team ready to show everyone what they can do and stamp them selves as a contender.... next year atleast.

Prediction: Buffalo

NFC Wildcard Round
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6 Minnesota Vikings
@
3 New Orleans Saints

"Kirk Cousins having a Pro Bowl season" Pfft. Drew Brees scoffs at this false idol as he rips the Viking defense to shreds with 4+ TD passes while Kirk Cousins gets beat around by a solid Saints D for 60 minutes, a landslide in the making.

Prediction: New Orleans

5 Seattle Seacocks
@
4 Philadelphia Eagles

Games between lower seeded Wildcard teams and higher seeded, yet far inferior, Division winners has happened before, and it has historically gone the 4th seeds way.
2010: the 7-9 (yes, 7-9) 4th seed Seacocks beat the 11-5 5th seed Saints.
2011: the 8-8 4th seed Broncos beat the 12-4 5th seed Steelers.
2014: the 7-8-1 4th seed Panthers beat the 11-5 5th seed Cardinals
2019: ???
All of these teams lost in the divisional round. It shows how important home field is in this game, and it also shows how bullshit the current seeding system is. The Seahawks don't seem like the team to reverse the trend, but the Eagles don't seem like the team to keep it up. So....?

Prediction: Seattle

AFC Divisional Round
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5 Buffalo Bills
@
1 Baltimore Ravens

The Bills deepest postseason run since the 1990s ends here. Wow that hurts. The Ravens potent dual threat offense will be enough to counter Buffalo's powerful defense, and the Ravens D will dominate the Bills O.

Prediction: Baltimore

3 New England Patriots
@
2 Kansas City is in Missouri not Kansas

Because of my genius the Patriots won't actually be in this game which makes this pick pretty easy.

Prediction: Kansas City

NFC Divisional Round
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5 Seattle Seahawks
@
1 San Francisco 49ers

In two weeks it will be the first time I'll be able to watch my team play in a playoff game in an eterinity. And it will be against... Aw fuck, this is the last team I wanna play rn. 49ers Seahawks part 3 should be a hell of a game, but with a much more healthy defense and beinf played in Santa Clara, I see no logical reason to pick against San Francsico.

Prediction: San Francisco

3 New Orleans Saints
@
2 Green Bay Packers

The divisional round isn't kind to Green Bay, *cough going 15-1 and getting rekt immediatly cough* and that trend continues as the red-hot Saints smoke these fuckers on their way to the NFC title game.

Prediction: New Orleans

AFC Championship
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2 Kanas City Chiefs
@
1 Baltimore Ravens

There's one thing that stands between KC and the Superbowl, Andy Reid. Ah, yes, the Andy Reid curse. A curse that does not allow any team lead by the walrus to ever hoist the Lombardi Trophy.

Oh yeah, I guess Lamar Jackson makes that difficult too.

Prediction: Baltimore

NFC Championship
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3 New Orleans Saints
@
1 San Francisco 49ers

Our dream run ends here... Beating a team twice in a season is tough (especially Drew Brees or unless you play that team 3 times) and despite being healthier this time around and being in Santa Clara, I just don't see this team, that is filled with players that have little playoff experience, being the one to topple Drew Brees and company. It was a nice run and hopefully a precursor to the future.

Prediction: New Orleans

SUPERBOWL LIV

New Orleans Saints
Vs.
Baltmore Ravens
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A battle of 2 heavyweights, an upstart Ravens team looking to wins multiple Superbowls in the near future, and a giant that has been around for some time trying to send Drew Brees out with another ring. This game would be fucking legit despite not having the 49ers in it and I would expect it to come down to the last second. Unfortunatly for the Ravens, Drew Brees and the Saints prevail, likely sending Brees off on the highest possible note and spoling Lamar Jacksons Superbowl debut. But no worries Baltimore, you will have plenty of chances to win it all in the furtue.

SUPERBOWL LIV CHAMPIONS
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
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Why do I always write these at night knowing they take like an hour and a half+ to get done help.

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10 minutes and I just realised I have the title wrong and I cant remember how to change it. aaaaah

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Fixed, crisis has ben averted
Fixed SB number

 

RIPerboat Ron

 

The Baltimore Ravens will win, their name is better
I don't know sports

 

And yet theres a solid chance you're right.

 

Was just reading the ESPN Staff's wildcard round predictions and the NFL officiating has gotten so bad that theres an "officiating nugget" section under each prediction lmao.

 

Fun stat for all football fans Brady haters.

Tom Brady career passer rating: 97.0
Jimmy Jesus career passer rating: 100.0

 

AKA Tom Brady's former backup is better than he is.

 

Mostly satiracle, but this year Jimmy G was definitely better

 

Buffalo'd a 16-0 lead

 

Ninja Watson and this game is probs over.

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Aaaand the Bills still havent won a playoff since the Texans became a team.

 

Man, that sucks for Jayon Brown.

 

Derrick Henry is a beast.

 

Help us Derrick Henry, you are our only hope.

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Not sure I like this from Vrabel, I would leave all of the time on the clock so if the Pats score I would have more time. But... idk man.

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I thought I was gonna get a break from heart attacks when the 9ers got the bye....

 

Well that's done
(Titans win)- that was a slap in the face lmao they were already going to win

 

YES

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Should have slid down though.

 

Your jinx worked it seems

 

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

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YOU DID IT TIG HAHAHAHAHA

 

Lets fuckin go.

 

The Terry Bradshaw half time preview skits never get old.

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Watch me go 0-4 in the first round.