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I throw a hat, like Odd Job, at them

 

I halve a watermelon, and give it to Lothar. While he's distracted, I club in in the back of the head.

 

I throw a Spiny Shell at the assassins

 

i begin to charge the deathbeam

 

I drink all the tea I can to swallow items to use (item search)

 

"Rule 5: I decide the effect of your attacks. You can't say "I slit the boss's throat, cutting an artery and making him bleed and take 60 damage!!" Just for doing that, I'll probably make your attack fail miserably."
I use Counterargument on Rule 5!
The attacks I used, except one (Ik my bad), had effects without numbers. These effects numbers would be up to your interpretation. The way Rule 5 is worded feels like a brick wall on creatively. Yes it stops stupid op stuff, however certain other creative effects that others may describe that you would not of thought of won't be used.

 

The Punchy Plant sprouts into a strangely boxing glove-shaped flower.
Can-nibal attempts a twist, but can't get a grip on Vicura's head. She's slippery. Unbeknownst to the two of you, she slathered butter all over her head and neck before this Attack Turn.

Lothar is squashed and takes 60 damage!

The sun begins the process of collapsing. The natural process will take about 5 billion years. Check back then!

@LuckyPatch has a lot more explosives than you thought. It'll take until next Attack Turn to get everything set up.

You guys really like ripping apart space-time around Vicura.
80 damage!

You suck at Wii Sports Bowling. Every time you bowl, you accidentally chuck the Wii Remote in a random direction. Some of them hit the assassins, dealing 10 damage to Vicura and 5 to Lothar!

The hat sheews through the air, hitting Aliza for 30 damage!

Lothar accepts the watermelon gratefully. 'Maybe they're not so bad,' he thinks. Then you club him for 20 damage. Y'all are really playing with Lothar's emotions.

The shell skids along the ground, hitting Aliza in the legs and knocking her off her feet for 25 damage. She recovers quickly.

Is the deathbeam different from the death beam? Either way, it begins charging.

You drink. You drink. You drink and drink and drink until you're bloated and on the brink of bursting. Finally, at the bottom of the case of tea, you see a glint. A bottle with Russian writing.
Mule Vodka - When used, multiplies the user's attack damage by 2x, but their attack has a 50% chance to miss.
you could have just lifted up the tea.

Spoiler: BATTLE LOG

TOTAL DAMAGE: 230
Lothar: 85
Finlok: 0
Vicura: 90
Aliza: 55
ITEM USED - Punchy Plant
ITEM ACQUIRED - Mule Vodka
NOTES: I'm gonna start making an effort to make attacks deal damage more often. As a result, you'll all be incredibly lucky.

 

Host an omnious ritual at "a boy's sleep over" (targeted to Vicura)

 

Summon an advanced dragun with the animal summon coin

 

I shall throw thy Holy Hand-grenade

 

Up up down down left right left right B A on Aliza

 

:L

 

Alright.
Since the space-time fabric is ripped, something normal next.

Hmmm...

I jump to space, then drop a meteor on Vicura.

 

It's not the end of my best friend!

I now tell him to get his meat cleaver and chop some Vicura for his breakfast, with a side of rotten flesh shish kabobs

 

okie

 

This is why you don't steal my infinite supply of explosives

 

i lift up the tea to find more items

 

I use a COB CANNON

 

no its not, it continues charging

 

Buddy stop, this clearly isnt going to work