Lore/Story The Family

Once upon a time, long, long ago. There once lived a boy with his mother, father, sister, and brother. Along with their two dogs. They lived upon a farm with a Fire-Red painted house and a lush sea of wheat. The wind blew through the sea and it answered back with a wave. The cows mooed to the pigs, the pigs snorted at the chickens, the chickens bawked at the cows, and the cows mooed at the chickens. With a bark, the sounds ceased.

The dog barked at the younger brother and begged him to let it outside as well as a race. The young boy smiled and let the dog loose with a running sprint, into the lush sea of wheat. They both raced through the sea, then evolved into walking, then soon swimming in the sea. The wheat cracked from each side causing them both to be confused. Before long they became lost to the sea.

The mother took her daughter into the kitchen and insisted to show her on how to cook. With the fresh ingredients laid upon the ash-black counter already in formed to begin. The daughter accepted her mother's offer on learning on how to cook. Soon enough, the house began to smell of smoke and the mother and daughter began to bake.

The father took his dog out for a hunting trip to gather more meat. They weaved through the woods in search for game that they could hunt. As the dog barked and chased the buck it laid its eyes on, the father ran after them both. He would allow his target to get away so easily. He aimed his rifle at his target and fired. Happy with this catch, he came home with his dog by his side.

The oldest son went to the town. His face dulled from the lack of sleep and his hands blackened. He stayed in a room that he was shown for him to stay in. Taking the offer, the son stayed in the room for the rest of his life as it became his new home.

The father came home from his hunt and soon painted the house from its red color to something more black.

Sometimes our eyes decieve us and makes us think images as what they may be. But the confirmation of what may happen or had happened will only put our minds at temporary ease. The truth of the answer will never be known... even if the answer was given, the question still remains unanswered...

 

Bump, I want to know if people can understand one of the many meanings in this story.

 

Bump because why not?

 

Bump 10 Char

 

Bump10char

 

Bump10 Char

 

needs more charles manson

too much symbolism and stuff i dont want to go back to skool :(((
[gud story tho]

 

Thanks, plus I made this in school during Physics.

 

Bump cause why not?

 

Okay so as a (filthy) casual reader, I'll provide my criticism for your piece here. Note, no matter what I say, I respect your ability as a writer and I do not mean to degrade your ability or character through this. Now with that foreshadowing to what I'll be saying out of the way, let's get into this.

First off the story has some glaring grammatical issues that send any flow that the narrative had out of the window. In the first line we have two instances of periods being used where commas should be. I'm not going to correct the entire piece, but if you decide to edit this writing, make sure to catch those errors. Now, if these are stylistic choices, I'll address that later on. The second issue is your misuse of the hyphen. You use it solely to join the words Fire and Red, creating Fire-Red- a distinct color. However, I feel that this detracts from the message that you are trying to convey in this story (That's a whole different beast that I'll also tackle later). I would instead suggest varying your word choice here. I personally would initially describe the paint as "a fiery red", and later on using a word that conveys a similar meaning, with obvious allusions to fire- maybe burning. By varying your words you are able to provide the reader with an incredibly less repetitive story. Now, this isn't to say that repetition is bad. You can see a masterful example in Edgar Allen Poe's The Bells, in which he uses the word bells to mimic the chiming they would make. Although your use of hyphens is not technically incorrect, I believe that it could be replaced by other mechanics and techniques that would serve you just as well, if not better, in this situation.

Now onto the non-mechanical parts of this story. First off, you need to give the reader some space and stop trying to force the symbolism down our throats. Take some time to flex your fingers in ways other than trying to chalk as much complex and ambiguous imagery into the story. I would say that you use so much imagery to the point that it is nearly devoid of meaning. You basically spell it out to the reader, "Hey X will happen and it is Y because Z," forcing the reader to do the work of getting past the over-saturated sentences. I would go as far as saying you do this so much that the message can easily become convoluted. I'd suggest culling the imagery to the bare minimum of what is needed to provide hints at the message. Focus less on conveying a secondary meaning, and more on making the writing itself a strong work. I would suggest reading Steinbeck's "Of Mice and Men" as a very strong example of this. He allows his writing ability to stand on it's own, and limits the complexity of his writing, to create a beautiful- and concise- masterpiece of American literature.

For a solid example of a short story, with it's primary genre being horror, I would suggest reading some more Poe, starting with The Pit and the Pendulum. You can find a fantastic explanation of the themes, and how the story conveys them on the wikipedia page for it. I'd suggest taking a look at both before reworking this story.

If you want be to take a full deep dive into your writing and try to help you improve in greater strides, PM me.

 

In all truth, yeah it was a horribly written story. The messages are supposed to be convoluted, there is no one answer to this story. It can be ANY answer. When you worry less about HOW you write rather than what you FEEL in writing. Better stories can come out, and flow through you. But in all honesty I wanted to make a depressing story that can be conveyed to a happy, more simplistic story. Based on how you read, also bases on how the story is read to you. This story's genre was not horror, instead it didn't truly have one. Its genre was something you decided. I can't simply limit this story to a single genre, you read it as horror, someone may have read it as something different. The vibe you get from it is Horror, but as well as mystery. This story is weak when you convey it into one meaning. The story is stronger when you conveyed it into different meanings. In truth, this story has a meaning, but I can't find it.

Also Wikipedia is a bad example don't use it. Even if it could be correct, people have free access to editing it. In all guilt though, I use it too.