Bullshit Your Way To Victory: The Revival

I punch you in the underused joke
mine

 

i kick you in the severely overused joke
mine

 

I destroy every joke
Mine

 

i use my navy seals training in Gorilla Warfare to punch you in the dick

 

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
Mine.

 

Except Soda Tunicata didn't say anything about you.

Mine.

 

Except you didn't name a method of taking the city.
Mine still.

 

Except for the fact that you never took it, because Soda Tunicata never said anything.

I nerf Soda Tunicata into oblivion.

Mine.

 

Cool.
I shoot you with gun.
Mine.

 

Except little did you know, guns were nerfed. It's just a cotton ball now.

After exposing your hiding spot, you give up. You fall into despair, shooting yourself with the cotton balls until you rot.

 

Who said I was hiding?
Woops. I slipped and stabbed you.
Oh well.
Mine.

 

Who said I let my guard down?

Woops, I catch the weapon and redirect it towards your skull, shattering it.

Mine.

 

I nuke both of you
mine

 

I get a shrink ray, shrink the entire city, take a shovel, dig it out, put it in a jar, put it in my boom bunker with a secret passcode, and bury it deep underground.

The city is now in my jar.

 

woops
guess where i just started digging today
to your bunker
i break in and steal the jar
then i guess i climb back out and take a flight to antartica
mine

 

unfortunately, you fucking die because antarctica is fucking inhospitable to human life.
i take the jar and leave the fucking frozen ass wasteland

 

unfortunately, im a cyborg
and wouldnt you freeze to death as you are in antartica as well lol
with great effort, i haul my nearly frozen body (and the jar, which i take back) to a bunker, where i activate some heating shit
mine lol

 

me, a being of pure soda and strawberry juice flavoring, just pour boiling water into my form, and penetrate your defenses with this thick long girthy girlco

 

inb4 cyborg x soda/juice thing fanfic
As you penetrate me, you enter my weeb circuits, unleashing 37GB of anime ops.
The weeb seeps into your heart/being, and freezes you in awe/disgust (depending on your opinions of anime/manga)
I carry you outside the bunker, and close the door on you.
Mine.

 

i liquify into goo and slime out of your hands, being unable to move until I recover and climb into your fucking lungs and punch you in the dick through your body