Bullshit Your Way To Victory: The Revival

So the original Bullshit Your Way To Victory is past the Necro Event Horizon. A loss for us all.
I've decided to revive it.

The basic idea, if you didn't see the previous thread, is that I own a city. You want to capture the city.

It differs from king of the hill in that if you want to capture the city, you do it in an extremely bullshitty and elaborate way. Examples from the previous thread (because I'm too lazy to think up new ones)

Yeah.
GL.

Let's begin.
I own the city.

 

I use lasers to cut out a mountain in the Himalayas and use it to squash the city. I build a new one on top.

I own the city.

 

I walk in and claim the city as my own with superior cat forces.

I own the city.

 

I work my way to stardom as Kim Kardashian. Eventually everyone worships me and makes me their dictator.

My city.

 

I stole your city.
I own the city

 

I go through an elaborate plan that tricks you into thinking all cats are dogs, all dogs are humans, and all humans are toilets. Do to this your citizens revolt, kill you and I am left to rule.

I own the city.

 

Hey, what's up Mr. City?
You look really sh***y
It almost makes me take pity.
Be mine, Mr. City.

"k," said the city.

And it was mine. The end.

 

This is unfair, you can not steal what has already been stolen

 

I take the city back because it was MY THREAD GOD DAMNIT

 

I own the world, therefore I own the city.

Logic.

 

yeah, actually, the world is owned by multiple political states. in fact, it would be impossible for you to own the world because of the Common Heritage of Humankind, which dictates that no political entity or single person can own certain places on earth and everything in Outer Space. Therefore, you do not own the entire world. I keep my damn city and I will do with it as I please.

 

I travel back in time to when the city was created and establish a local religion in which I am a god. I go back to the present, where they make me their ruler since they believe me to be their god. 'Tis my city.

Also, through the power of plot holes, I negate any time paradoxes caused by the time travel.

 

I marry the city.
Mine.

 

Little did you know, the city in question finds marrying cities to be a major felony. They arrest you and execute you. As the deity of their religion, the city falls back into my hands.

 

God is very annoyed that you became a false diety and that the entire city worships you, so he rains fire and brimstone down. Now without any worshippers (no one else likes you), you wither and die. I come back and rebuild on the ashes, making the city great again.

 

Donald Trump sues you for making a slogan too close to his. The city gets bankrupted, and the people riot and execute you. I come back to life through the powers of bullshit, and take over the city VIA plot holes.

 

"yeah, but how about I own the city, since I wasn't involved in the fucking apocalypse?"
mine

 

I use my persuasiveness to befriend you and become co owner of the city.
We now share the city?

 

However, you FEEL THE BURN of Bernie Sanders. Mine.

o fuck ninjas everywhere

 

the timelines have split