Best Joke Giveaway! (over)

PENIS XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

 

Here goes nothin.

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left it.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they just hold it in place and expect the world to revolve around them.

Wanna hear a joke?
Women's Rights

 

1. As a wise old man once told me, "GET OFF MY LAWN!"

2. A chemist with short-term memory loss asked for a clear acid to experiment on. His body was found 2 days later.

3. I went to get a flu shot from this duck working as a doctor and got injected with a syringe full of water. Man, he was a quack.

 

A black man takes a girl to his house.
"You know what they say about black men, is it true?" she asks.
"I'll show you" says the black male before he stabs her and steals her purse.

 

shout out to the people who ask what the opposite of in is

 

The jokes area all pretty long but that's because shitty one liners will definitely not make anybody laugh.

Spoiler: Joke 1

A Day in Hell
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!

Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.

Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.

Spoiler: Joke 2

A Religious Hunter
A man was out hunting. He just happened to be hunting bears. As he trudged through the forest looking for the beasts, he came upon a large and steep hill. Thinking that perhaps there would be bear on the other side of the hill, he climbed up the steep incline and, just as he was pulling himself up over the last outcropping of rocks, a huge bear met him nose to nose.

The bear roared fiercely. The man was so scared that he lost his balance and fell down the hill with the bear not far behind. As he tumbled down the hill, the man lost his gun. When he finally stopped at the bottom, he found that he had a broken leg. Escape was impossible and so the man, who had never been particularly religious (in fact this just happened to be a Sunday morning), prayed, "God, if you will make this bear a Christian I will be happy with whatever lot you give me for the rest of my life."

The bear was no more than three feet away from the man when it stopped dead in its tracks... looked up to the heavens quizzically... and then fell to its knees and prayed in a loud voice, "O Lord, bless this food of which I am about to partake."

Spoiler: Joke 3

An Art Thief
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:


(brace yourself)


(this is going to hurt.)


(really bad.)


"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

 

http://metro.co.uk/2015/11/26/the-ten-funniest-jokes-ever-according-to-science-5527698/

 

A white man, a black man, and an Arab all die and are sent to hell. When they see Satan, they beg him to let them call their families. Satan obliges, on one condition - they have to pay for it. The white man talks with his family for one hour and pays $1000. The black man talks with his family for two hours and pays $2000. But the Arab talks with his family for 5 hours and only pays $10. The white man and the black man question the Arab about how he got such cheap phone service. The Arab said, "Hell to Hell is local."


pls no delete I have another one

An American, a Canadian, and a Russian all get in a plane. When the plane is flying over Russia, the Russian takes a coin and throws it out the plane. The American and Canadian ask, "Why'd you do that?" The Russian replies, "To bring good luck to my country." When the plane is flying over Canada, the Canadian takes two coins and throws them out the plane. The American and the Russian ask, "Why'd you do that?" The Canadian replies, "To bring even better luck to my country." But when the plane passed over America, the American pulls the pin on a grenade and chucks it out the window. The Canadian and the Russian ask, "Why'd you do that!?" The American replies, "To bring the most luck to my country."
The plane lands and all the passengers go home. As the Russian goes home, he sees a little girl crying. He asks the girl, "Girl, why are you crying?" The girl responds, "My daddy was walking home when a coin fell out of the sky and knocked him out!" As the Canadian walks home, he sees a little girl crying. He asks the girl, "Girl, why are you crying?" The girl responds, "My mommy and daddy were walking home when two coins fell out of the sky and knocked them out!" As the American walks home, he sees a little girl laughing. He asks the girl, "Girl, why are you laughing?" The girl replies, with joyous tears in her eyes, "My dad farted and the house exploded."


What do you call a fish that goes to church?
A holy mackerel

 

what do you say to someone when you first meet them?
Hi...

yep

 

It would have been an amazing joke to anyone watching Re zero, or Re:life in a different world than zero

 

then do it

 

Are you allowed to make three more jokes after your original post, or are you just confined to those three? Because I think my first one is probably gonna get deleted :P

 

I don't think you understand, you have to watch the anime Re:Zero in order to understand the joke I said, which I said because I watched Re:zero

 

A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

 

I couldn't think of a chocolate joke, so I just snickered.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Lol @PUNSFTW

 

um... no

 

But how am I supposed to get my funny jokes out into the world?

 

Why was six afraid of seven? Seven was a registered six offender. ;)

 

No no no, we gotta be safe for work here at Joke Studios, why don't you change that to "because seven eight nine?" We'd really appreciate the change.

 

Okay then people said that you can't use more than 3 jokes.....

I choose the Aids joke, Isaac Newton and the "mommy when will I get those" joke