What's The Weirdest Thing You Heard At School?

It not really the funniest thing I've HEARD but the funniest thing I've seen.
I was going on a trip with my teacher and two of my classmates to go have lunch, as a celebration of something, I can't exactly remember what. We got in and out pretty quickly but there was one of those big trucks in the way, so he started flipping out because his boss might fire him. He kept freaking out and when the truck moved he kept talking to himself about his boss and how he likes him.
I was laughing so hard for like 15 minutes, probably the best experience at school I'll ever have.

 

"Maths is AIDS"-Guy

"All men watch porno at least once, regardless of age. If you are doing it right now, please get out!" -Sexual Education Teacher

"In Soviet Russia, you don't sweep the classroom floor. The classroom floor sweeps you." -Guy

"Hitler invented the time machine, that's why theres still Nazis in our society today." -History Teacher

"Who is the United Nations?" -Guy

"After you die, God gives you 2 choices: either come back to life as a chicken or as an earthworm. Most people choose to be a chicken, that is why when you eat your chicken drumsticks, some are perfectly cooked and some are half cooked. The perfectly cooked ones are made from the good dead guys, while the half cooked ones are made from the bad dead guys." -Substitute Teacher

"This is how you memorise the Metals Reactivity Series. (***** ******* **** ****** ******* *** ******** **** ** *** **** ** *** +5 more foreign swear words)" -Substitute Chemistry Teacher

"I'm secretly black." -Guy sitting behind me

 

(Literally a post created today btw)

*School Facebook post about Pajama's day*
"Reminder that tomorrow is PAJAMA DAY so just wake up, roll out of bed, and head to school."

Student A:
"So if I sleep naked....."

Another student in reply to student A:
*tags her friend*

 

"There are 100 seconds in the minute" someone in my class (Their reason for that was "Because I have a microwave")

 

A girl from my class said to my friend because she was mad : Wana rape me?

 

"Where is the Brazil World Cup 2014 going to be held????"

-My dumb friend Adam

 

"Pluto is still a planet" - Science teacher.

Well... this generation is doomed.

 

Oh, educational system. You always bring smiles to my face....
"HE'S GOT A GUN, RUN!" -A kid said as the strongest and tallest kid in 8th grade punched a guy, so the entire cafeteria rushed out the doors and scattered. Meanwhile, me and my friends were just sitting there in the corner like "What just happened....."
"THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR LOOKING AT ME WHEN I'M TAKEN!" -A girl with no IQ, kneeing some poor kid for making eye contact in the hallway.
"Stop touching my wife! She doesn't want to give out any more STDs!" -A kid yelling at others for touching a tree he was rubbing his pants on.
"Hillary is a good president because her husband has experience!" -Random guy
"Bernie Sanders would be a good choice, because if he screws up on his 4 years, he won't live long enough for another 4 years!" -Definitely not me

 

Pluto is a dwarf planet. Next.

 

Dwarf Planet ≠ Planet. Big (pun intended) difference.

 

Dwarf planet, minor planet, planetoid, or Plutoid, none have enough mass to control all other objects in their orbit. Pluto isn't a planet. Next.

 

Wait, so what is a chromosome?

-everyone else in my high school honors bio class-

 

So basically my friend's little brother was asking him what a condom was.
So my friend was like it's to protect the village from the dragons!
So the little brother thought for a moment, and he said "so whenever a dragon is attacking a village, people scream it's a dragon! Get the Condoms!?".
So then I watched how to train your dragon later on and it had a whole different meaning...

 

I go to a Catholic High school, and I was sitting in my English class. The lights randomly went out in the hallway during passing periods, and this guy ran passed our classroom door holding a gallon of orange juice yelling, "IT'S OKAY I GOT MY ORANGE JUICE" You'd be surprised what else goes on in private schools. xD

 

The funniest/weirest thing I heard was: FUCK YOUUUU MADAFUCKA then he sayed he was gonna wank his little teddy #RIPPEDOBEAR AKA PEDO CLAUS 100 year olds

 

I also remember in 3rd or 4th grade when school grounds was slippery (on the grass) and while we and my chums were playing soccer everyone started slipping and falling like toddlers and I remember laughing my ass off.

 

Okay, so this was definately wierd for me:
In about Year 5 or 6 (Ages 10-12 ish) there was this one...off...boy. Whenever I'd accidentally catch eyes with him, he'd give me this off look and start...well. You know when you're young, and get your index finger and thumb and put them together to form a circle, them proceed to put your other index through in a vigourous motion to simulate sexual intercourse? He'd do that, holding eyesight with me the whole time. He'd obviously been twisted by sex ed, and he'd always do this any time I'd look at him. As well as this, he'd make weird...sexual jokes when I was near him, it creeped me out.

Furthermore, in secondary school, when my original classmates were split up into different schools, I was chatting to an old friend of mine. He told me he'd once gone for a sleepover at this kids house, then phoned for his mother to come pick him up as he was afraid he was going to be raped. He was a twisted weirdo...

Something that happened in college recently:

I was sitting in class as usual, and this boy starts picking on me (he does this quite a bit) he decides to complain about my long hair, asking when I'm getting it cut (I'm a guy with long hair which seems to scare some people). When I asked why, he said it annoyed him, so I said "Why don't you spend more time caring about your own life, instead of getting annoyed by others lives?" at which point all his friends went "OOOOOOH AJ JUST BURNED HIM! YOU JUST GOT BURNED BY AJ MATE!!!" I then proceeded to slip on my headphones and let his friends mock him.

 

Both of these are by the same friend:
1. "Boys and girls of all nationalities!" (Get the pun?)
2. After his speech for becoming the school's treasurer... "JUST DO IT!!!"
============================
So my class has a science substitute teacher. She lost her books and someone said "did you check your pockets?" The thing that makes it more funny is that she fell for the trick and she was wearing a dress.

(Same day, same class, same teacher): she's sitting down at her desk (you know how a computer desk has a place that you can pull out for your keyboard?... You see were this is going?) all of a sudden, we hear a big *CRASH* then she screens like a man. We all try to keep quiet, and one of my friends couldn't hold it anymore, but one of my other friends stands up, grabs my laughing friend's head and covers his mouth, while saying "shhh, shut up!"

 

So a year ago in computer class or... whatever it's called :V my teacher said we were gonna start using a program to make games, little did the assholes in our class know that it was a really shitty program, Scratch, I think was it's name. So the two assholes just to turn eachother and say:
Asshole 1: Dude we're gonna make an awesome game!
Asshole 2: We're gonna make a game with Call of Duty graphics!
Asshole: 1 And then we're gonna put it on Steam and everyone's gonna buy it!!!

Me and my friends just all looked at eachother and started laughing our asses off, twas great.

 

"I like watching turtles mate"

"HAHAH! I FIND IT FUNNY WHEN DOGS RAPE OTHER ANIMALS, ESPECIALLY PEOPLE!"

"I'm having a *****"

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Yeah my friends are pretty inappropriate. They act rather immature as well.

FYI these were all said by a guy. This is why most guys of my batch don't get a girlfriend.

EDIT: Please tell me if this needs to be deleted. Those phrases are inappropriate.

EDIT #2: Removed the much more inappropriate phrases.